I don't even know where to begin with how I feel. I don't even know if I can describe what I'm feeling. An 18yr relationship destroyed over 2yrs ago by a cheating spouse and a uncaring, ill equipt, immoral, degenerate who had no concern for the fact that not only was he destroying a marriage but more heinously destroying a family. The lack of regard, guided by an "the end justifies the means" mentality by both parties, ripped my soul straight out of me. Over the 2yrs I drowned, I fell back on old addiction coping mechanisms. I made terrible mistakes, but as I was finally starting to stand once more. Finally trying to rejoin life, I find that the so called "man", who at 24, 11yrs younger than her, barely has the life experience to tie his own shoelaces, has moved in to what was once my family mould. To know that he, someone with that sort of moral grounding is now the primary male figure in my children's life!

I can't process. I don't even know how to express what I feel. I don't even know if I can decipher the individual feelings from the chaos that is inside of me. I can't cry. I open my mouth to scream but nothing comes out. I'm not numb but I can't allocate my feelings. To know that he has been accepted and openly taken in and granted a role within what once was my family, spirals my thoughts and it's like I am not encompassed by darkness, but more that I am the darkness

#CheckInWithMe #Anxiety #CPTSD #PTSD #MajorDepressiveDisorder #hopeless #Trauma #BipolarDisorder #ADHD #darkthoughts #why #losingstrength #Cantcope