why

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My nephews are home again today, and because my autism hates it for some reason (because of external stimuli and being overstimulated), I’m leaving. Again.

Pros:
- Finding a quiet space

Cons:
- Potentially being misgendered as someone who’s not non-binary (especially being misgendered as a girl)
- One of my triggers are the words c/v/d-19 (o, i), p/nd/mic (a, e), and q//r/ntine (ua, i) ⚠️(please, please, no one say these words in the comments 🙏🏽) ⚠️, and UNFORTUNATELY it’s pretty common in advertisements (which are almost freaking everywhere - thanks America /sarc) and I can’t even look at advertisements or even the outside world anymore since 2020. Once I accidentally look at a post or whatever (because I do that often) and one of those words appear, there goes my mood. It’s happened twice the last time I went out.

But I feel like I have nowhere else to go but outside in order to not feel overstimulated. This is ridiculous.

#fml #MyAutismIsNotADisorder #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #Family #why #whatdoido

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Is the government really that stupid enough to think that I can work??

I have way too many triggers. I literally despise being called a girl or “ma’am” or “she”. I’M FREAKING NON-BINARY! Even though I’m also transmasc, I’M NOT JUST A BOY! I literally despise the line “ladies and gentlemen”. I have no time to put up with any drama crap. I will most likely quit my first job pretty quickly. And I don’t want to deal with all the freaking haters that hate me or bully me for no good reason. Screw that.

And some of the shit my past therapists said about me was either over-exaggerated or false about me doing good. Like I never said some of those things that I said. Just freaking because I said that I may be doing good ONLY meant AT THAT MOMENT!

Why even depend on the government for our rights?? I know myself better than they fucking know me. I’m an anarchist, and I believe that you should have public access or just instant rights regardless without having to depend on higher power who barely even know you and take forever to make things legalized (even though I despise my autism being called a disability or disorder). I want instant change, not wait 10 years for it! (/vsrs)

Anyway. 😞

#mad #LGBTQIA #anger #government #why #unfair #Anxiety #Autism #rights

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What a great way to start the freaking morning. Remembering the very strict high school that I absolutely hate and the reason why I dropped out - trauma and stupidity.

I remember being in P.E. and… we’ll just call her Ms. A. I was on the 504 program (because I have autism), and Ms. A said something to everyone in the class about knee push-ups and to not do them because “you’re not disabled”.

Um, excuse me? Knee push-ups are not exclusive to physically disabled folk. Knee push-ups are an actual excercise that help with strength. Also, not every physically disabled folk can do a push-up or even knee push-ups. I’m not that stupid. Not to mention that some neurodivergent folk may also have trouble doing full push-ups, especially because of sensory issues. And some overweight individuals, such as I, may also find knee push-ups helpful, too. So knee push-ups help. It’s an actual fucking exercise. She thought she was helping, but seriously??

And even though I hate my autism being labeled as a disorder or disability, I guess it didn’t apply to me because of that 504 program. But still. That was such a ridiculously stupid comment to make and one of the reasons I hated that school. Why was Ms. A even qualified to be a P.E. teacher?? She should’ve known that already! I do really, really wish to say what exact high school it is right now, but I won’t.

#Autism #neurodivergent #Disability #Ableism #Trauma #HighSchool #SchoolTrauma #uneducated #why #School

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Why? Why did my nephews had to be home today?? Just why?? I swear I love them, but my autism - says - why??

Now I’m planning to just leave out for today. I’m so sick of this shit. I’m so sick of being overstimulated like this.

And why does it always have to be on the same day as my therapist appointment? It’s not like I can reschedule because then we would have to pay $100 just for fucking rescheduling this late.

Screw it, I’m still leaving early and having the online appointment elsewhere. I don’t care how cold it is or whatever, I’m going.

What a shit first day of the month. First it’s me being triggered and crying last night because of accidentally reading transgender violence statistics and was scared for my life because I’m trans nonbinary, now it’s my nephews being home. 😑😤

#anger #Autism #why #ihatethis #overstimulated #Anxiety

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Aaand my nephews are staying home from school for the rest of the week. I can just tell. But they’ve been quiet yesterday, surprisingly. But who knows if that’s gonna happen the rest of these days… sh*t 😕

Why am I so annoyed just from the thought of it?? I swear I love my nephews and know what’s going on with them, considering that they’re also just kids as well.

If they start being loud again, I’m going to cry. I was really looking forward to this week.. *sigh* oh well. I guess.

#Autism #sad #why #justwhy #Anxiety #Family #fml

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My reaction to when the kids are not going to school

Me: Oh, the kids are home today, that’s fine.

My autism: F*ck no why, why are the kids home today, that means no quiet time, sh*t why are they home today just why?? I’m shaking, I hate this so much..

I want to cry.

#Autism #Anxiety #why #sad

why does my left side hate me why can't I see without my glasses why do I use humor to get thru rough situations?

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I swear, my older sister just doesn’t seem to freaking understand how hard it is for me to let things go and tell apart different tones. She says that she does, but every time she always seem to get defensive about it. Every time I try to bring up about the current situation that is bothering me, she’s already in some sort of negative tone saying “it’s okay, just let it go.”

And whenever I try to bring up something that may be triggering, she always says that she doesn’t mean any harm. And when it comes to her, at this point I don’t care, I still don’t want to hear that trigger. And it freaking frustrates me for just not giving me a straight answer and instead being defensive like this.

What’s worse is that she even deals with one of her kids having autism and ADHD. So you’d think she’s understand more, right? And she says that she does, but this crap is just not sitting right with me. 😒

I already deal with a lot a crap right now. I just dealt with an appeal for why I can’t get a job right now (although I hate my autism being called a disability/disorder), I hate being misgendered as a woman or seen as just a man (I’m nonbinary), I have social anxiety, I cry easily, I dealt with trauma my since middle school and from my mom being mentally abusive (she no longer is anymore, luckily), I’m a perfectionist towards myself for, it’s just a lot. I’m just trying to stand up for myself the best I can, and anytime I do and it seems to backfire or not going anywhere, it feels like a crime for being autistic… 😢

#Autism #SocialAnxiety #thissucks #misunderstood #why #PleaseStopThis #IWantToMoveOutOfHereAlready #StopMisconceptions

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I’m usually not a food critic, but I feel like restaurants suck these days. Two restaurants decided to leave out my favorite things to eat from there since teenhood. Way to ruin my nostalgia when life freaking sucks already. And whenever we order food around here, most often my sister and my mom can’t eat because they order vegetarian meals, and either their meals have meat in it (most often), or just forgotten altogether.

I had food poisoning twice from two restaurants in this same neighborhood in my life, and I was excited for some pizza today because they food we ordered yesterday we weren’t really a fan (I swear I tasted something like detergent in one of the foods), and of freaking course, this one freaking time they screwed up and forgot the whole fucking pizza. And their pizza is actually good. And my day has already been kind of shit. I just wanted some fucking pizza.

And I know that I should “just be grateful I have food”. I am. But I’m - not - grateful for restaurants being a piece of shit sometimes.

And yes, I am mad over the fact that I never got to have pizza today. Go ahead, call me fat, I already am. Shame me. I don’t care, it just pisses me off, okay?… 😞

#anger #Autism #why