why

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I swear, my older sister just doesn’t seem to freaking understand how hard it is for me to let things go and tell apart different tones. She says that she does, but every time she always seem to get defensive about it. Every time I try to bring up about the current situation that is bothering me, she’s already in some sort of negative tone saying “it’s okay, just let it go.”

And whenever I try to bring up something that may be triggering, she always says that she doesn’t mean any harm. And when it comes to her, at this point I don’t care, I still don’t want to hear that trigger. And it freaking frustrates me for just not giving me a straight answer and instead being defensive like this.

What’s worse is that she even deals with one of her kids having autism and ADHD. So you’d think she’s understand more, right? And she says that she does, but this crap is just not sitting right with me. 😒

I already deal with a lot a crap right now. I just dealt with an appeal for why I can’t get a job right now (although I hate my autism being called a disability/disorder), I hate being misgendered as a woman or seen as just a man (I’m nonbinary), I have social anxiety, I cry easily, I dealt with trauma my since middle school and from my mom being mentally abusive (she no longer is anymore, luckily), I’m a perfectionist towards myself for, it’s just a lot. I’m just trying to stand up for myself the best I can, and anytime I do and it seems to backfire or not going anywhere, it feels like a crime for being autistic… 😢

#Autism #SocialAnxiety #thissucks #misunderstood #why #PleaseStopThis #IWantToMoveOutOfHereAlready #StopMisconceptions

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I’m usually not a food critic, but I feel like restaurants suck these days. Two restaurants decided to leave out my favorite things to eat from there since teenhood. Way to ruin my nostalgia when life freaking sucks already. And whenever we order food around here, most often my sister and my mom can’t eat because they order vegetarian meals, and either their meals have meat in it (most often), or just forgotten altogether.

I had food poisoning twice from two restaurants in this same neighborhood in my life, and I was excited for some pizza today because they food we ordered yesterday we weren’t really a fan (I swear I tasted something like detergent in one of the foods), and of freaking course, this one freaking time they screwed up and forgot the whole fucking pizza. And their pizza is actually good. And my day has already been kind of shit. I just wanted some fucking pizza.

And I know that I should “just be grateful I have food”. I am. But I’m - not - grateful for restaurants being a piece of shit sometimes.

And yes, I am mad over the fact that I never got to have pizza today. Go ahead, call me fat, I already am. Shame me. I don’t care, it just pisses me off, okay?… 😞

#anger #Autism #why

I got mine in the mail yesterday just in case I turn critical before I can get to an out of state hospital with a specialist…. I got COVID in May and developed QT Long Syndrome so all psych meds stopped, except Elavil. June I had a stroke that left me weak on one side, not able to write or speak properly, or even more around well. Few weeks later I had a Dystonia episode that almost killed me. Elavil was stopped. My Gastroparesis was continually getting worse since COVID and because my heart meds are not option at this point. I now I have a PEG tube but still pleasure eat some. In two weeks I will be getting a PEG-J to completely by pass my stomach. I am in the hospital more than I am home so it feels like it. All I do is sleep. Life is hard and a long life just isn’t the cards anymore. My end of life packet came in the mail yesterday. Five Wishes. This is my PARENTS know my final wishes and planning a memorial service. It seems so backwards. I am only 33…. How did I reach this point? What did I do or not do? How in the world can I fix this when my state won’t even help me?! No idea how long I have to wait for Houston but my body is giving up and I am afraid I won’t make it to that appt. But I cannot bring myself to fill out this packet. Feels like giving up but my parents need to know these things….. #Gastroparesis #FeedingTube #CriticalCare #scared #how #why #doesitgetbetter #endoflife #longcovid #Stroke #LongQTsyndrome #HeartHealth #MajorDepression #Schizophrenia #Schizophrenic #Anxiety #PTSD #MedicalPtsd

I often wonder why… Why doctors fail to find the cause…the cause of my pain…Why so readily willing to medicate instead of investigate? Living through this journey for almost 8 years, 4 major surgeries later, still in pain….
After promises…. Promises of a better quality of life…Failed…..
Traveling to doctors, with hope. Seeing different doctors for new eyes, each have failed to investigate beyond text book tests.
I often wonder if they could walk 1 day, 1 week in my shoes if they wouldn’t be more proactive in their treatment of their patients.
So many of us suffer through this… looking for hope, looking for life, looking for a doctor that may care enough to look a little deeper, to look outside of the box (their text book cases), a doctor who takes their job more seriously…..
Taking patients quality of life a little more seriously.
I’ve stopped giving my hope to doctors. White coat anxiety, PTSD from failed doctors is an understatement.
I’ve stopped searching, hoping, entrusting doctors to bring answers or relief. After so many times failed, I’ve lost hope in the medical field. I have found my comfort in myself. I never envisioned this would be my path in life, I never dreamed I would face such neglect, such failure from the medical field in the twentieth century.
I have learned to face life on my own terms. To find the beauty of an unlived life, complacent, stagnate, living by moments instead of days. I long for the days of planning a vacation, of traveling to see family, any life beyond doctors appointments and these 4 walls I call my home. Yet I’m determined to find the simplest joys, the small moments of victory, piecing together the bits and pieces of a life lived with limitations. Not the type of life you envision but a life better, not bitter.
I will not fall into the bitterness, I refuse to fall in the trap of self sabotage, though a victim I may be, I refuse to live the time I have left in bitterness, blame, feeling sorry for myself. Do I wonder why? Absolutely
Do I allow myself to stay there? No
Life is unpredictable
Life is hard
Life is unfair
Life is only as good or bad as you allow it to be
Sick or healthy
I choose to have my life reflected upon as a woman who chose to find joy amidst the unfairness
Love instead of self pity
Living by choice not by circumstances
Love… love in the greatest medicine known
Choose to love…. Yourself.

I deal with suicidal thoughts (which have been getting so bad I might attempt possibly. I will tell my therapist about this next week)

Struggle to go outsde

have extreme anxiety/intrusive thoughts over unhealed trauma

and just want to stay in bed and ruminate and die

Yet my abusers/shitty family all seem to function nornally

Going to work, chatting with people easily, integrating into life, and not seeming bothered or caring about how shitty they are

Why are abusers able to live easier lives?

#why #Abuse #abusers #Trauma #Suicide

Have been on this medication, 6 months for my Sarcoidosis and now have cataracts in both eyes caused by the medication
#Sarcoidosis ,#chronic pain, #Pain ,#Prednisone ,#medications ,
#side effects,# cataracts,#why me

#Disability #LegallyBlind #Blindness #cnib #Canada #Ontario #why