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2 Weeks Of Torture, 14 Hours of Sleep...Finally #ChildhoodSexualAbuse #Rape #Anxiety #MensMentalHealth #MenToo #Relationships

The past 2 weeks and few days have been torture to me. I’ve not been able to sleep for more than three hours, I’ve not been able to be alone with my thoughts, because of Him.

The last two weeks when I’ve tried to gone to sleep, he’s been there, making me relive what he did to me. Showing me in detail what he did and me being powerless to stop it. If he was showing me that, he was standing there laughing at me for what has happened, for how it’s affected me. He tells me I don’t deserve love, that I’m corrupted, that I’m just as evil as him. He laughs that I’ve pushed friends away, he laughs and mocks me for what’s happened to me and my ex, because if it wasn’t for Him, I would still be the amazing guy she needs and I would never of locked her out and still be with her now. But he’s won yet again.
When I’m alone I get flashbacks and thoughts of what happened. These two weeks that have been so torturous, I’ve been brought to my knees and crush by him.

Last night I got in from being with my friend in London, he has helped me and it turns out I’ve been helping him. I got in and spoke to mum, we even had a hug (I’m not normally like that with my mum) I then when go bed about 22:00 and only woke up at 12:00, that’s 14 hours of sleep! 14 hours I was free! I’ve been so exhausted these past few weeks, even going to the gym was a struggle. But I’m now reenergised, refreshed and reinvigorated. My strength is back, my fire is reignited to defeat him and banish him from my life.

I wish that I had this sleep and energy last week. Maybe I would still have some people in my life now. But even though he is the cause, I still acted the way I did and I’m to blame for that.

But I’m not going to give up. I’m going to fight even if this kills me. Because I will be better like I used too, I will be the man he could never ever be. I will be that one who can lift anyone up from the dirt and tell them it’s ok and make them feel safe again. I will be that man that people look too and come too for advice and help. Because he’s robbed me of that for the last 7 months and I’m claiming it back. He’s not taking anymore or anyone else away from me.

This is my recovery. It’s full of ups and downs, it’s a rollercoaster, I will dip again (possibly) but I will not let him win.

I have to go for another interview with the police on the 27th, because I have an idea of where he lives, so I have to do a drive around with the CID and the Sapphire Team, also have some new evidence to give too. It’s going to be hard, anytime with the police is emotionally draining. But it’s needed for me to make him pay and for me to take my life back.

It’s Christmas Eve. I wish all those who have gone through a similar situation and those who are supporting someone who’s gone through something like this, I wish you all a Happy and Safe Christmas, you all deserve it. I will be here for you all just like you’ve been here for me.

Merry Christmas and stay strong! We are all warriors!


Nightmare, late night post 02:22hrs #Anxiety #ChildhoodSexualAbuse #Rape #MensMentalHealth #MenToo

It’s 02:25 in the UK right now. I woke up at about 01:55 due to a nightmare, one of many recurring nightmares I’ve had for the last few months. I feel like I need to vent this to get this out, I’ve spoke about it in counselling, but I feel like I need to get it out. Warning this may trigger some people as it’s disturbing.

So I’m back in the place he used to take me in school. He’s making me do stuff to him, he’s touching me and telling me it’s ok and that everyone does this, it’s special, he bends down for a kiss and takes down my trousers then does what he always does, he touches me while doing stuff and dresses me after he’s done. I’m there seeing it all, but it’s like I’m separated by glass, I’m shouting and screaming to stop but he doesn’t. I can’t make him stop. I’m then someplace else, I don’t know where, but he’s there talking to me as an adult but I can’t move. He’s telling me not to tell anyone as I’ll get in trouble and that it’s a special thing. He’s laughing at me, saying how he has won, he tells me I’m evil and wrong. I can’t do anything, I can’t fight back.

I used to be really bad with this dreams. I would be sick or freak out, sometimes I would jump out of bed ready to fight thinking I was being attacked. Now when I wake up, I’m a bit panicked, but I focus. I know it’s a dream, instead of working myself up and trying to suppress it, I just kind of accept it. Yes I had to do thing and have stuff done to me. That’s a fact and won’t change. Normally I listen to ASMR to get back to sleep but I just feel like sharing this for some reason. I feel like it will help. I’ve been trying something Dawn said to me, instead of pushing the dreams away or like the flash backs or thoughts, I should ride them out, yes it sucks but they ain’t real and I feel like I’m getting over it quicker where normally it could take me hours to get back to sleep and sometimes not at all, I’m finding easier kind of.

Still a work in progress. I just needed to vent, I tell my friends and family that I’ve had a bad night sleep or what ever. But never gone into details, I just needed to get it off my chest. I have quite a few recurring dreams to be fair. I don’t think people would be comfortable hearing the details even the vague one, but I just need to get it off and out of me.

Sorry if anyone feels bad or was triggered by anything.


Anger Management done till 2019 #Anxiety #ChildhoodSexualAbuse #Rape #MensMentalHealth #MenToo

So today was the last anger management session till 2019. It was a really good session today, I laughed quite a bit and feel like I’ve come a good distance in a short amount of time.

Me and my H who does the anger management spoke about how I feel about him and the anger I have towards him. H agree that the anger is normal and I don’t have to ever forgive him for what he’s done, and I may hate him forever which is normal. What’s not normal is letting that hate spill over into other parts of my life. Which I think I’m starting to get a grasp on it. I haven’t really had an issue in the past few weeks at all. Someone overtook me on the road today and sharply cut in front of me to take the next exit, the bloke driving was on his phone, normally that would make me boil, but I just muttered under my breath and carried on driving. I wasn’t hurt physically nor did it really affect me, so there was no point getting angry at that individual, I felt quite proud when I got back to my room and thought about it.
This is my third session of anger management and they are going to be put on hold until I’ve finished my other counselling appointments, which is fair enough as you don’t want to overload a plate too much.

But today is a massive breath of fresh air, to have someone notice the difference from the dirt appointment too now felt good, it feels like I’m getting my life back on track and getting the old me back in the driving seat, minus the negatives.

I know I have a long way to go. But I feel really happy with this progress.
This is how I win. By getting my life sorted and making sure that what he did no longer dictates how I act with other or even myself. I’m winning and he can’t take that from me! I’m going to be an amazing man and he shall never ever take that from me.


Counselling, uncomfortable but necessary #Anxiety #ChildhoodSexualAbuse #Rape #MenToo

So today was the first counselling appointment I had with Dawn, the first of six.
The past two weeks have been hard, but especially since last Friday after my police interview. I have been having flashbacks of what he did too me and made me do, I’ve been having nightmares and intrusive thoughts, I’ve had the feeling that he is somehow laughing at me and the situation.
So I did the initial paper work with Dawn, consent forms and that sort of thing, I then had to do an anxiety and depression test. I scored low on my depression test which I’m happy about, but I was a few marks from having top score on the anxiety side of things (go big or go home). Dawn told me her form of counselling, she used the “mindful” technique. I don’t know what that is and I will look it up, but I want to throw my self head first into it, I want to be better, I want to be stronger than before. It was described as not focusing on the past as I can’t change that and not worrying about the future as I have no control over something’s that’s not happened, but focusing on the here and now, replacing the negative emotion with a positive.

So once all the paper work and the tests where done and dusted, I was asked what brought me here today and I told her. I didn’t hold back, I told her of my past, my personal life and work life, I told her everything. I felt uncomfortable and I still feel a bit drained. But I know it was necessary. I couldn’t look at Dawn in the eyes, I just stared at the floor, playing with my hand and the tissue in it. But it was useful. I took on board what Dawn said and I honestly do want to be how I used to be, reliable, trusted, someone who you could come to with an issue. I don’t want to lock myself away any longer and push those closest to me away.

I have this hatred in me, this anger for what was done to me. It burns like an inferno, through my whole body. I was sick the other day as I the thought of what he made me do, this one particular act, i sometimes feel like I can remember the taste and it make me burn with rage and gag. I hate him with my whole being, I wish he could only feel the pain I do and the loss I’ve suffered.
But it’s ok to hate, I know that may sound weird. But it honestly is ok to hate those who have committed the most despicable acts on you, no matter if you where a child or not. What’s not ok is letting that hate consume you and hurt others, or for that hate to burn through all the positives I’ve accomplished as I need to try and focus on that when I have a bad moment or day.

I weighed myself today and honestly I am so happy, I am now 80.6kg, the start of 2018 I was 105kg. I’m
So happy I am near my target of 75kg and he can’t take that from me, no one can.
I go on leave tomorrow from work for three weeks and I am more determined than ever to smash the gym and get what I want. I’m not looking to be a body builder, but I just want to be a bit slimmer and fitter.

This Christmas will be hard. But I can do it.

#Sorry For The Long Post


I did it. I’m free.

I finally went to the police yesterday. I told them what happened to me when I was a boy and how someone violated my trust and violated me. It was hard and emotional. I told them everything I could remember, I told them specific details that I’ve only spoken about once before hand and even that was recent.
I was panicking in the interview my chest was tight and I couldn’t breath, it took me and hour and a half to say what needed to be said and I am so thankful for the detective who was patient with me.

Over the past 7 to 8 months I’ve been getting flash backs and nightmares of what happened to me, it’s affected me on so many levels. I shut people out not wanting to brake down and seem weak. I ignored the problem for so long that it’s affected me on many levels and the negative impact it’s had on me and those around is enormous.
But no more. I was raped. I was molested, I was manipulated. I will no longer let these demons control me or my life, I will no longer let them effect those I care about any longer and I will never ever go back to locking people away and hiding. Because every day I push people away and every day I lock myself away, he wins. But not any more. I will no longer let him win, not anymore.

Going to the police letting it all out is a gigantic weight of my shoulders. I was drained but I was free, I wasn’t weighed down anymore by the fear of others knowing. Even though my evidence will probably not bring a conviction, I am on the path of sorting out my emotions and my mental health. I will get better and I will do better. I can not undo what has been done to me, but I can learn to not let the thoughts and images impact me as harshly as they do.
I spoke to my mum after this interview and it felt nice to connect again.

The war isn’t over, but the first of many battles has been won. The next battle now is counselling and rebuilding day by day.

#ChildhoodSexualAbuse #Anxiety #MenToo #freedom