The past 2 weeks and few days have been torture to me. I’ve not been able to sleep for more than three hours, I’ve not been able to be alone with my thoughts, because of Him.
The last two weeks when I’ve tried to gone to sleep, he’s been there, making me relive what he did to me. Showing me in detail what he did and me being powerless to stop it. If he was showing me that, he was standing there laughing at me for what has happened, for how it’s affected me. He tells me I don’t deserve love, that I’m corrupted, that I’m just as evil as him. He laughs that I’ve pushed friends away, he laughs and mocks me for what’s happened to me and my ex, because if it wasn’t for Him, I would still be the amazing guy she needs and I would never of locked her out and still be with her now. But he’s won yet again.
When I’m alone I get flashbacks and thoughts of what happened. These two weeks that have been so torturous, I’ve been brought to my knees and crush by him.
Last night I got in from being with my friend in London, he has helped me and it turns out I’ve been helping him. I got in and spoke to mum, we even had a hug (I’m not normally like that with my mum) I then when go bed about 22:00 and only woke up at 12:00, that’s 14 hours of sleep! 14 hours I was free! I’ve been so exhausted these past few weeks, even going to the gym was a struggle. But I’m now reenergised, refreshed and reinvigorated. My strength is back, my fire is reignited to defeat him and banish him from my life.
I wish that I had this sleep and energy last week. Maybe I would still have some people in my life now. But even though he is the cause, I still acted the way I did and I’m to blame for that.
But I’m not going to give up. I’m going to fight even if this kills me. Because I will be better like I used too, I will be the man he could never ever be. I will be that one who can lift anyone up from the dirt and tell them it’s ok and make them feel safe again. I will be that man that people look too and come too for advice and help. Because he’s robbed me of that for the last 7 months and I’m claiming it back. He’s not taking anymore or anyone else away from me.
This is my recovery. It’s full of ups and downs, it’s a rollercoaster, I will dip again (possibly) but I will not let him win.
I have to go for another interview with the police on the 27th, because I have an idea of where he lives, so I have to do a drive around with the CID and the Sapphire Team, also have some new evidence to give too. It’s going to be hard, anytime with the police is emotionally draining. But it’s needed for me to make him pay and for me to take my life back.
It’s Christmas Eve. I wish all those who have gone through a similar situation and those who are supporting someone who’s gone through something like this, I wish you all a Happy and Safe Christmas, you all deserve it. I will be here for you all just like you’ve been here for me.
Merry Christmas and stay strong! We are all warriors!