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weight whore

I am at my heaviest weight I have ever been. I suffered through anorexia in my teens and early 20’s and had to have two blood transfusions at 21. During my during my healing, I was diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder. I am a survivor of incest, rape, physical and sexual violence, and extreme bullying. I relied on drugs and alcohol in my younger years due to this, which, in turn attributed to my illness. My medication caused extreme weight gain. I went from the skinniest I had ever been to the heaviest I have ever been in the matter of less than two years. Going from one extreme to the next was extremely depressing. My boyfriend says he loves me just the way I am. I’m learning to believe him. #Bipolar1 #BipolarDepression #Incest #Rape #SexualViolence #SexualAssault #Anorexia #EatingDisorder #EatingDisorderRecovery

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Child hood trauma

When you are a child you dont know who to trust, you dont know how to trust. You dont know until you get betrayed. Once your betrayed as a child you lack all feeling of trust. Trusting becomes so hard, you become numb inside. You grow into a adolescent that wants resentment but cant find it. Everyday i wake up, and wonder why did i live this long. Too many times i could die yet i am still here suffering in my mind. why? The way i feel is i am lost what to do. Where to go. Where to start. Therapy is neglected, EDMR is not based in my city. They say i need it, I say maybe just maybe if someone cared to listen. Maybe the trauma from than to now would cause a peace inside me from letting it out? maybe!#ChildAbuse #Rape #MentalHealth

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2nd Shared Inspiration

I know that at times when it seems life feels to extreme my mind starts in with negative self-talk. In which I count my blessings daily so there's no room for negativity. This sticker reminded me that I am NOT that negative junk!
#daily inspirations #mental health and addictions #Recovery warriors #Rape sexual assault survivors #mental health memes #the bendy bunch

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The r word

It was a light summer evening and a thirteen year old impressionable young girl was getting ready having a laugh round her best friend's house. An older boy who had been pursuing her popped up on msn and asked her to go on a webcam. Her friend did her hair for her and did what he thought any friend would do in that situation, what he thought was a favour but in hindsight it was like he was priming meat. It was not as if anyone was to know the sequence of events that evening, what would follow that night, except for maybe one cruel person.

She doesn't know how she got there but she got there somehow. He lived near her Nana's which was lucky as she had to make her way there as she left in a swift dash after the bloody horror show that occurred that evening.

All she knew was that it was light when she walked there and was dark when she ran out. She was nervous when she was walking there but she thought it was nothing but first date jitters. She was a virgin and she never expected to have sex with anyone that night. He was much older and I don't know what she expected, she should have never come. She realised what he was as soon as she got there - but she just could not get out.

That sudden realisation in a moment's glimpse, about how he spent hours in his maths lessons writing her name in the squares of his book so perfectly in each tile, how he would write poetry not even copied from the internet or a book and all the other of the obsessive, persistent behaviour that she pushed so far into the back of her mind that she doesn't even want to recall or remember because it is too dark. It all was. She just thought he was keen. She’s known boys like him before and they didn’t turn out that way, or maybe they did - who’s to say. Maybe that is some other girl's story to tell.

Whatever was the straw that broke the camel's back, in that moment as he led her up the stairs and into an old ladies bedroom with vintage looking floral bedding and matching wallpaper - I changed my mind again but it was too late. He had his set. He knew what he was doing. I tried to say no, but next thing I knew he was on top of me and whispering stuff in my ear and I was crying, shaking my head and in mounts pain and bleeding yet feeling so numb at the same time. The trauma had not hit me but I knew right then this would affect me for the rest of my life.

He stood up for a moment and I could see blood everywhere. I screamed and I ran for it.

I got to my Nana’s and I sat in the living room where my Nana and Aunt where having a conversation. My Aunt stopped the conversation they were having to make a comment about a smell and asked me if I had been ‘getting fingered by loads of boys’. I was mortified.

I immediately went upstairs to my room to the massacre that was in my pants left behind by some sick, twisted fuck.

It was never meant to be like this. I thought to myself, as I lay there on my bed, still in shock.

What I didn’t realise is that he had ran after me and knocked at my Nana’s door. My Nana come upstairs wit a big cheesy grin saying ‘theres a boy a the door saying that he loves you, are you going to go and see him?’ So I just went and said ‘go away. I hate you.’

I have checked on him on social media in the past but his ugly face still gives me the chills. He moved away and that gave me some comfort although he will probably be the same, they say a leopard never changes it spots. I don’t think the responsibility of future rapes being diminished should lie on the victims - when they are going through a traumatic time themselves and are not even sure whether their family or friends will believe them. I never told anyone about what happened to me through that fear alone. It is upto the police to bring rises in the charges in the number of rape cases considering just 2,616 were brought in the year ending September 2022 and in that same time period the highest ever number of rapes were recorded (70,633).

I am writing this now because I know people who are sexual violence survivors and you can’t say how someone should react to a situation/s like that. There is no one way a sexual violence survivor should look like. If you have ever been the victim of sexual assault it is never your fault, even if you think otherwise.


I know for me, it feels like you’ll go to therapy and would rather talk about the weather than the r word. You can’t comprehend how that could happen to you. How can it be that you dropped it along time ago but still it lives with you all these years. You kept it from your family, your friends, safe in a locked box that nobody can enter. The big answer to all of your Mam’s questions surrounding your additions and unwanted behaviours, the key you threw away along time ago. There is no healing to be done here. No justice to be paid. How could you tell anyone when you still blame yourself, even to this day? You led him on. You deserved that. You should have said sooner. Made it clearer. It was your responsibility. Somehow, some way. Karmically you did something to deserve that because there is no justification for the unsacred. This stuff spins round my head every day, every night. The pain never goes away, but for him he just gets to move on. Where’s the sense in that?

#Bipolar #MentalHealth #Anxiety #SexualViolence #SexualAssault #Rape #movingon #Trauma

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To say your name

It's funny isn't it, even when we were together I would never call you by your name because I knew I would get hurt so I gave you nicknames. Never did I think you would rape me. Then again no one ever think it is going to be them right? I always try to see the best in people and no matter how awfully you treated me I still saw the good and thought you were just misunderstood and my friends didn't know you like I did. How wrong I was. Was I just naive? Even after it happened I questioned myself, I told myself that it couldn't of just happened. That wouldn't happen to me. I have been through a lot of shitty things but never did I think i'd end up here. I can't even say I am a survivor of rape, because i am not surviving. I don't know when this pain subsides, when do I stop being afraid to leave my house, when will i not be on high alert when i will get to leave the house it happened in when will i get to move away from you. I can never heal whilst you're so close everywhere i go, there are memories of you and i. the inly thing i can say that i have gained is the ability to say your name out loud. It is the only power i hold. Not only did I question whether it was rape before someone told me what happened was rape, i never even realised there was domestic abuse all the way through. How do i ahve anyone else to blame apart from myself there were warning signs, my friends tried to warn me but i didnt listen and now i am here #Rape #DomesticAbuse

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I just want to rid myself. Sometimes I feel like I should just go to anyone and asked to be fucked because it hurts so much that people don’t respect consent and it would feel so nice just for someone to ask me and for me to say yes. It hurts that I’m just a doll but what can I do #Rape #SexualAssault #PTSD #CPTSD

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Guide to being a SURVIVOR!

#ChildhoodAbuse #abandonment #Rape #terror #Depression ….

When I was a small child, my father #Abandoned me without a goodbye. Mother had #Manic depression, and we were left poverty stricken. My clothes were holey, #filthy and #Hunger was a constant.
I lived in #terror being 6 yrs old, alone and subjected to constant #Abuse by strangers in my house.
I knew I had 2 choices #fight or #Die if I was going to win the ring of #Horror that had become my life. I chose to fight, to do what I needed to do, just to buy a pair of shoes. I had none. To cut a long story short, I want whoever is reading this to know that no matter how horrible, #Terrifying your life is right now? Take back your #courage , and #fight for what you want.
I’ve done more than #survive severe #Childhood trauma, I’m a #MentalIllness survivor too. I’ve excelled on my own, through my determination to get out of the hell hole I was in: like: meeting and hugging Nelson Mandela. Raising money for victims of crime, importing and exporting art and furniture, travelling to most of the countries in the world, making friends and connections on my own. owning my many businesses, and selling them for profit. Studying and being qualified in the science of the addicted, mentally Ill brain. Qualifying as a mental illness and addiction counsellor, raising 3 kids who’re well balanced and happy .
I’m now a YouTube influencer, my channel focuses on mental illnesses. Now, I’m teaming with MIND uk, to raise money for the mentally ill people who can’t work.

You are a survivor, you’re a magical, strong, brave, fabulous person.
Go for whatever you want, because you can. You can, no matter what ‘they’ did or said.
Do it! Your life is yours. Please take it back.
I’m with you.

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Looked up my abusive ex

It’s been 22 years since I left the man who raped and abused me. I used to look him up yearly to make sure he wasn’t living too close to me. After more than a decade, I looked him up again. Probably because in trauma therapy recently I realized that the night he took my virginity it was actually #Rape . Completely unwanted and he knew it.

Once I saw him, rage filled me and I don’t know what to do with it. My regular therapist and trauma therapist are unavailable for two more weeks. I am beyond angry. But I’m having to stuff the rage down so I don’t go off on my family or hurt myself.

I’ve done one writing assignment. I’m have limited mobility due to pain and can’t exercise it off. Other ideas? TIA. 💕 #Abuse #AbuseSurvivors #Depression #Anxiety #ChronicPain #anger #Rage