rape

Since I was a child I went through horrible abuse, sexual, physical, emotional, bullying, financial, threatened to be killed by my father and it continued until my adulthood. I am at the moment in a shelter for victims of domestic violence because of my parents. Those who should be your closest one and are most tightly connected by blood did me so much harm that I am no longer living.

When I was 8 or 9 I started developing anorexia. My body was too fat to me. But it is never about food, it's about deep suffering.I was also undiagnosed autistic and when I was 12,13 I started being suicidal and started cutting soon. Actually I was cutting myself for some time when I was like 5,6 with my sibling-because of traumas and my autism.

At 14 I was first time sitting in children psychiatrist's office. I was controlled by my father and mother. I grew up in morbid physical surrounding. My siblings were severely abused for years. Yet nobody came to help, cps, police...

I faked being better, nobody knew for my anorexia, only later few persons from school knew.I was threatened by psychiatrist at that time to be send in basical asylum for children if I don't stop cutting. In the end I ended up in that hell just 2 years after and I have traumas from there. That place is closed permanently or temporary but closed. I started having symptoms of #PTSD as a child but how could anyone notice when my abusers were closest family members and parents. And my growing in cultish "family" trapped me even more to say things and have clear look on what they do to me and my siblings.

I asked for help for anorexia first time when I was 16. It was start of nightmare of "treatments". Never treated for cause, only for consequences. I also started using hard drugs when I was 14. Alcohol was my closest love.I was planning my #Suicide for 4 years. When I was 18 I attempted and experienced clinical death.

That's just part of my hell history but I wanted to point out something.

I was hospitalised for anorexia in 2015. for zilionth time and I remember talking to my mother in one of her visits in such pain, distress "this is MY illness, nobody will take it away from me". Almost yelling and crying. Anorexia was and is only thing I have. Everything else was and is out of control and I found food, 20 years ago, as the only thing that I have choices with and control in my life in all chaos of traumas, abuse and stollen childhood, stollen femininity, stolen parts of me in rapes.

I am with two choices - to ask for help in one place or die.

I don't want to die but I don't want to recover anymore. I wanted that in past. Anorexia is only thing I have. In the end of the day only thing that is here is anorexia, I own it, I have it. It never leaves. It's like having Stockholm syndrome in some weird way.I left drugs and alcohol almost 8 years ago and never used again.

I also have my dog who isn't with me and I grieve that a lot. She cries because of me so much as my brother wrote me and since I recently started losing purpose for staying alive and started wishing to stop this suffering I only don't want to end everything because I don't want for my dog to suffer until she dies.

I am in a shelter for victims of abuse because of my parents and my rapists are walking free in the city. My life stopped even before I was born. I wasn't wanted, I was always one problem in others daily routine, I am their worst problem, I am problem which always had to be resolved.Only thing that keeps me alive is that I can't imagine my lovely dog to suffer because I no longer exist. I am in such suffering that I would say hell on earth is close to this.

I am like a ghost town, ruined to the end from wars and only one ghost exists there-my soul closed in ruins finding no peace, just existing and moving from holes to holes. It's so hard, it's painful physically.

I lost a friend because I am yoo much, became burden to others, too disabled, too much, too big (PERCEIVED) risk to be in relationship with. But I don't want it anymore nor anyone close to me because they will just worse my suffering and I have fear of being raped or abused by men.

I think I will die as a result of anorexia but my life wasn't filled with any worth. I know my parents don't love me. I know everything. But I live because I can't accept that my dog suffers if I off myself. She is my gold, love and everything. She grieves but no person ever spit a tear.

I'm still waiting courts so long with everything I reported. I am dying day by day and investigations as well as all law connected acting is so slow.

I am Catholic, I'm trying to bear suffering best I can, ask for justice and push for myself but I am unwell.

I am seeing one therapist for victims of sexual abuse but I am too destroyed and I don't believe in better life. Nobody can heal my heart and psyche which are ruined. Some things are impossible to repair.

#Anorexia #Rape #Abuse #Survivor #Loneliness #hurt #PTSD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder

I am at my heaviest weight I have ever been. I suffered through anorexia in my teens and early 20’s and had to have two blood transfusions at 21. During my during my healing, I was diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder. I am a survivor of incest, rape, physical and sexual violence, and extreme bullying. I relied on drugs and alcohol in my younger years due to this, which, in turn attributed to my illness. My medication caused extreme weight gain. I went from the skinniest I had ever been to the heaviest I have ever been in the matter of less than two years. Going from one extreme to the next was extremely depressing. My boyfriend says he loves me just the way I am. I’m learning to believe him. #Bipolar1 #BipolarDepression #Incest #Rape #SexualViolence #SexualAssault #Anorexia #EatingDisorder #EatingDisorderRecovery

When you are a child you dont know who to trust, you dont know how to trust. You dont know until you get betrayed. Once your betrayed as a child you lack all feeling of trust. Trusting becomes so hard, you become numb inside. You grow into a adolescent that wants resentment but cant find it. Everyday i wake up, and wonder why did i live this long. Too many times i could die yet i am still here suffering in my mind. why? The way i feel is i am lost what to do. Where to go. Where to start. Therapy is neglected, EDMR is not based in my city. They say i need it, I say maybe just maybe if someone cared to listen. Maybe the trauma from than to now would cause a peace inside me from letting it out? maybe!#ChildAbuse #Rape #MentalHealth

I know that at times when it seems life feels to extreme my mind starts in with negative self-talk. In which I count my blessings daily so there's no room for negativity. This sticker reminded me that I am NOT that negative junk!
#daily inspirations #mental health and addictions #Recovery warriors #Rape sexual assault survivors #mental health memes #the bendy bunch

It was a light summer evening and a thirteen year old impressionable young girl was getting ready having a laugh round her best friend's house. An older boy who had been pursuing her popped up on msn and asked her to go on a webcam. Her friend did her hair for her and did what he thought any friend would do in that situation, what he thought was a favour but in hindsight it was like he was priming meat. It was not as if anyone was to know the sequence of events that evening, what would follow that night, except for maybe one cruel person.

She doesn't know how she got there but she got there somehow. He lived near her Nana's which was lucky as she had to make her way there as she left in a swift dash after the bloody horror show that occurred that evening.

All she knew was that it was light when she walked there and was dark when she ran out. She was nervous when she was walking there but she thought it was nothing but first date jitters. She was a virgin and she never expected to have sex with anyone that night. He was much older and I don't know what she expected, she should have never come. She realised what he was as soon as she got there - but she just could not get out.

That sudden realisation in a moment's glimpse, about how he spent hours in his maths lessons writing her name in the squares of his book so perfectly in each tile, how he would write poetry not even copied from the internet or a book and all the other of the obsessive, persistent behaviour that she pushed so far into the back of her mind that she doesn't even want to recall or remember because it is too dark. It all was. She just thought he was keen. She’s known boys like him before and they didn’t turn out that way, or maybe they did - who’s to say. Maybe that is some other girl's story to tell.

Whatever was the straw that broke the camel's back, in that moment as he led her up the stairs and into an old ladies bedroom with vintage looking floral bedding and matching wallpaper - I changed my mind again but it was too late. He had his set. He knew what he was doing. I tried to say no, but next thing I knew he was on top of me and whispering stuff in my ear and I was crying, shaking my head and in mounts pain and bleeding yet feeling so numb at the same time. The trauma had not hit me but I knew right then this would affect me for the rest of my life.

He stood up for a moment and I could see blood everywhere. I screamed and I ran for it.

I got to my Nana’s and I sat in the living room where my Nana and Aunt where having a conversation. My Aunt stopped the conversation they were having to make a comment about a smell and asked me if I had been ‘getting fingered by loads of boys’. I was mortified.

I immediately went upstairs to my room to the massacre that was in my pants left behind by some sick, twisted fuck.

It was never meant to be like this. I thought to myself, as I lay there on my bed, still in shock.

What I didn’t realise is that he had ran after me and knocked at my Nana’s door. My Nana come upstairs wit a big cheesy grin saying ‘theres a boy a the door saying that he loves you, are you going to go and see him?’ So I just went and said ‘go away. I hate you.’

I have checked on him on social media in the past but his ugly face still gives me the chills. He moved away and that gave me some comfort although he will probably be the same, they say a leopard never changes it spots. I don’t think the responsibility of future rapes being diminished should lie on the victims - when they are going through a traumatic time themselves and are not even sure whether their family or friends will believe them. I never told anyone about what happened to me through that fear alone. It is upto the police to bring rises in the charges in the number of rape cases considering just 2,616 were brought in the year ending September 2022 and in that same time period the highest ever number of rapes were recorded (70,633).

I am writing this now because I know people who are sexual violence survivors and you can’t say how someone should react to a situation/s like that. There is no one way a sexual violence survivor should look like. If you have ever been the victim of sexual assault it is never your fault, even if you think otherwise.

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I know for me, it feels like you’ll go to therapy and would rather talk about the weather than the r word. You can’t comprehend how that could happen to you. How can it be that you dropped it along time ago but still it lives with you all these years. You kept it from your family, your friends, safe in a locked box that nobody can enter. The big answer to all of your Mam’s questions surrounding your additions and unwanted behaviours, the key you threw away along time ago. There is no healing to be done here. No justice to be paid. How could you tell anyone when you still blame yourself, even to this day? You led him on. You deserved that. You should have said sooner. Made it clearer. It was your responsibility. Somehow, some way. Karmically you did something to deserve that because there is no justification for the unsacred. This stuff spins round my head every day, every night. The pain never goes away, but for him he just gets to move on. Where’s the sense in that?

#Bipolar #MentalHealth #Anxiety #SexualViolence #SexualAssault #Rape #movingon #Trauma