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BPD Seeking… #Mentor #bpdhelp
I am new here; nearly a week in. Didn’t think I’d be posting so soon but unplanned events happen. The 5+ year on/off relationship I’ve been in ended today. I feel numb right now.
I reached out to him just over a month ago to update him on a few things and seek help on a stressful personal matter. I was only seeking help. 10 minutes in, he brings up “us”. I’ve been stressed, just seeking help…remind him of this.
A few days in, he tells me he wants the relationship. Approached multiple times on subject. Needless to say, the stress continued and some of it got misdirected towards him. Long story short, he got offended and I got defensive.
It escalated so I approached him yesterday with MANY incessant texts telling him how much I wanted this relationship. Upon awaking this morning, I immediately shifted my position and told him in short form that a relationship just isn’t going to work right now. As soon as I sent it, I knew I’d self-sabotaged.
He responded in short form with “Who is this?”. After the third time, he said he was dead; I had killed what he had left to give and he just couldn’t do this anymore and asked me if I really knew who I was.
I cried for hours over the loss of him although I created the situation. I went back through the communication, analyzed, overthought but finally could see what he was explaining. I responded and told him I could understand his position, I could recognize the behavior he called out and told him I loved him.
And now it’s over for good. I just don’t understand me and why I self-sabotage. I am so illogical and seek what’s wrong in relationships rather than recognize what’s right. My over-thinking is constant yet I react to my own thoughts as if they were his. I call myself an empath yet I realize in hindsight that I can say mean things with lacking consideration of others.
All I know is that I don’t want to be this person anymore. And if this is how I see myself then what does this say about me? How do I stop the self-loathing. I can’t blame him for leaving for good.
I’ve lost the love of my life because of my mental illness. I want to be better. I’m desperate for help! I need a mentor…someone who’s been through this and has done the work. I need guidance. Is there anyone out there? If so, please message me. #BPDDiagnosis #BPD #BPD relationships #self -sabotage #Selfblame #self -help #help #Mentor
