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    Just moved #CFS #Costochondritis #Fibomyalgia #ChronicDepression #Anxiety #CPTSD

    I'm about done lately. All the month I moved I had the CFS, Costochondritis and Fibromyalgia flaring to the point I went to the ER. They did nothing since it wasn't deemed an emergency. I don't have a PCP because they've treated me badly and basically told me it's in my head. My parents are making things worse and treating me like an idiot (I do not live with them). They told me I have to be nice to them because they're my parents. They're not nice to me. I rely on them for money or I'd be homeless. They don't understand chronic illness or mental health at all and make things worse. They are cruel.
    The whole month of the move I was flaring and in extreme amounts of pain. I had one friend and two days her other friend helping and I couldn't keep pushing myself. I'm getting a cleaning fee and my apartment complex is trying to add on other fees. My parents are going to be pissed. I want to cry. I want to die. I'm talking with my psychiatrist tomorrow morning and my counselor Friday. I just don't know if I can make it that long. My cat is my anchor right now.
    Any kind words or advice would be appreciated.
    #Advice #Autism #SuicidalIdeation #Selfharm #Selfhate #Selfblame #Arthritis #Spoonie #ChronicFatigueSyndrome #ChronicIllness #MyalgicEncephalomyelitis #ChronicFatigue

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    Should I Trust My Thoughts? #Selfblame #Selftalk #insecurity

    I just shared how a former colleague proofread my professional resume. My inability to see my talents makes resume writing a challenge.

    To my surprise, the returned edited resume was so overwhelming! My former co-worker, who has worked alongside of me during my good days and bad days, described my talents in such a positive way, sadly, I fail to see this version of myself.😞

    Based on this recent experience, I must now ask myself, should I trust my assessment of myself?

    Sadly, my self talk is negative. My self confidence lens is severely scratched from years of physical, emotional, and verbal abuse. #CPTSD dictates my thoughts, well into my adulthood. And most of all, those thoughts do NOT reflect the words my professional former co-worker described.😁

    Realize this, our friends and colleagues might not see the negatives our minds convince us are paramount aspects of ourselves.❤️

    #TheMighty #Bekind to #yourself

    8 reactions 4 comments

    Where to go?

    So lately I’m struggling managing my emotions , I easily get bothered or overwhelmed. I feel like I’m being judged for almost everything by my spouse . The other day I was so overwhelmed by an argument I had with my spouse and other stressors on top. I felt defeated and I’m going through a lot of stress… a few days ago I wanted or felt like I wanted to cut my self but I didn’t, instead I scratched my wrists … and I kept thinking I wanted to stop existing, but I really will not act upon those thoughts, because I know I will not plan anything…and I know is time to seek help….
    A little backstory back in 2018 I was seeing a counselor for a year and I was on an anti depressant for 6 mo. And I was told I had circumstantial depression…
    But now I need to know where I should go to seek help… should I see a psychologist, psychiatrist or start with some counseling? # #idk #Stress #Depression #Selfblame #Selfharm #help

    8 reactions 7 comments

    Last night *trigger warning for sexual assult survivors*

    I came over to my friends house last night for dinner and a movie and they took me to their room for the movie and tried to kiss me when I asked for a hug. I said “no”. And it turned out that they assumed I had been giving mixed signals to them for an entire year. They begged me to let them kiss me about 7 times before I gave in and they kissed me so hard I fell on their bed and they kept kissing me hard and I tried to hint to them I wasn’t into it and they didn’t get the memo. Instead they tried to put their hands in my private areas and I kept having to say no, over and over and move their hands over and over. I feel so horrible and mad at myself for giving in to make them feel better when I should have just kept saying “no”. I just need help processing this. They said super sexual things to me too asking if I wanted to orgasm and when I said no they asked if I wanted them to (answer was “no”) and they asked if I might be into them “licking my vagina” and it was just a horrible experience and I already called the hotline and they helped but I just still have to process this. I have told two friends. I fawn a lot unfortunately from childhood and now I’m just beating myself up bc I couldn’t stick with the boundaries I tried to set. #sexualassult #help #PTSD #Selfblame #Shame #Anxiety #CheckInWithMe

    13 reactions 6 comments

    Autism and adulthood seriously sucks!

    What do I do? I feel like I get one chance at everything and have little room for mistakes. Its bullshit! Like you get a job, you make a mistake, your fired. Then your always too damn busy you don't even have a life anymore. I am trying my absolute hardest but I feel like I don't have the patience to navigate through this and I feel like I'm worthless. Just because I feel like society are perfectionists. I make a mistake I didn't know about and next thing you know it your in trouble and potentially get fired. You need an absurd amount of patience just to get by! I'm 23 and I already want to quit! I need help. It doesn't help I have autism. Like it's legit anti autism and forces me to mask simply just to survive rather than simply take how I think into consideration. I think differently. Yet forces you to think like someone your not. It feels so ablist and I argue it's flat out ableism. #Autism #Work #Stress #Selfblame

    3 reactions 2 comments

    Im mad

    Im mad that i did not finish school so doing my dream job seems impossible im mad that im forced to work everyday and weekend and i get to miss out on stuff im mad that i cant even look in the mirror and be proud of the stuff i have done because all i see is my fucking father. Im mad that the little voice in my head today non stop has been telling me to kill myself. Im mad because of me you are in debt i hate myself and most days i can block it out but today i cant contain it. #Depression #mad #Selfblame

    12 reactions 8 comments

    Seeking reassurance from your therapist

    As a child, I was left alone to deal with my problems. I became hyper independent. That’s where the bad coping skills came from. I was 7 years old when I first cut myself. I still to this day have no clue how in the world a 7 year old tells themselves I will cut myself to feel better. Until in the last years that I realized I needed someone to talk to about my experiences, share my feelings with (my stupid feelings and emotions that I never fucking understand or know what they are) and to help me organize my emotions and their meanings. That is why I initially seeked a therapist. I wanted to understand better why I keep on having my suicidal thoughts and get help managing them so they are less invading. I only recently realized that we (my therapist and I) have created a safe place together for my thoughts, but now it is like I am doubting it again because of last session. What I somewhat understood is that: reassurance seeking leads to over explaining, over apologizing, what if and doubts which come from shame/abandonment issues.

    After reading a little online, I can conclude that excessive reassurance seeking is addictive. Like any addiction, the more you do it, the more you want it. It’s an immediate relief like self harm. It is quick and relieves the anxiety that is rumbling through your head. Like self-harming, the relief does not last, and you seek it more and more. The problem with reassurance is that, in the short term, it decreases your anxiety. However, in the long term, it creates a vicious cycle that worsens your anxiety and increases your need for more reassurance. It also decreases your confidence in your ability to answer your own questions and reinforces that you are unable to tolerate the discomfort of uncertainty. How do we fix it? “By exposure and response prevention. This involves repeatedly facing the fear and choosing not to seek reassurance (i.e. not to check, measure, ask, review, and do). Exposure can be paced to slowly and purposely help the person reduce the reassurance seeking. Anxiety levels will eventually fall and the individual learns that reassurance-seeking is not needed to reduce anxiety, the feared outcome does not occur and that they have power over their thoughts and actions.” It all seems very straightforward and easy to do when you read it but emotions and feelings are mixed with all this and that is where it gets complicated. I understand I need to learn how to tolerate uncertainty. Uncertainty is not danger, its distress, it’s a feeling, and it’s not an indication of real danger in the world. I need to change how I respond to it so I no longer seek reassurance, but how do I do that when I lived in a world where no one was safe, every time I trusted someone, it literally backfired. I was either criticized, laughed at, or misunderstood. And even as I grew older, I tried trusting more, forgiving more, being more tolerant with people and they still proved my anxieties were right. My gut feelings are rarely false now. I know how to read people so I do not get hurt, so I know what to expect. The only person I have trouble reading is my therapist and it is quite anxiety provoking. I don’t know why and it’s a piss off.

    Since the beginning my therapist has been telling me to trust people more, be more vulnerable with them. Part of seeking validation and reassurance is also asking for help and being courageous enough to ask for help when needed. Don't all humans do that? Why is it bad? The message that I retained from last session with my therapist is that asking for reassurance is bad and that I shouldn’t do it ever, especially with her and yet I started trusting her and being vulnerable with her. How do they expect me to be vulnerable and honest with them if sometimes involuntarily I have questions and want some reassurance? No one can be self-sufficient, even her. It’s literally impossible. Talking about my fears and insecurities is very hard for me and she knows that, but how am I supposed to do that without relying on her a little or expecting a little reassurance. It is a blessing to find people with whom we feel safe to share our vulnerability when we feel anxious or insecure. Sharing our thoughts, including our need for reassurance, builds trust and connection. How am I supposed to do one without the other? How am I supposed to be honest about my thoughts, my feelings and questions I wonder? Yes, I worry about other people’s feelings, including my therapists. I can’t help it. I do think I am a burden to everyone around me, including her even without any concrete evidence. It is a feeling so ingrained in me that I can’t shake it off because maybe I’ve been told most of my life to shut up because I talk too much and talk too loud. I know she is a human too. I know how difficult it is to remain neutral all the time, to not show your opinion. Unloading onto someone is hard for me because the only thing I’m telling myself is don’t complain too much, don’t unload too much because they will leave. Don’t talk too much or take too much space or else they will stop this. I wish I could press a button and press stop but it goes so fast. I’m starting to realize that a lot of questions and things I ask to my therapsit are a reflection of my opinion about myself as well. I have zero self-compassion, zero self-confidence and zero knowledge on knowing how to reassure myself. I look bad right now, but being honest is so much more important to me. The only way to trust people is with honesty, especially if I want to trust myself one day. #Therapy #Therapist #Anxiety #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #reassurance #Selfblame #Selfharm #SuicidalThoughts #Trust #vulnerability


    BPD Seeking… #Mentor #bpdhelp

    I am new here; nearly a week in. Didn’t think I’d be posting so soon but unplanned events happen. The 5+ year on/off relationship I’ve been in ended today. I feel numb right now.

    I reached out to him just over a month ago to update him on a few things and seek help on a stressful personal matter. I was only seeking help. 10 minutes in, he brings up “us”. I’ve been stressed, just seeking help…remind him of this.

    A few days in, he tells me he wants the relationship. Approached multiple times on subject. Needless to say, the stress continued and some of it got misdirected towards him. Long story short, he got offended and I got defensive.

    It escalated so I approached him yesterday with MANY incessant texts telling him how much I wanted this relationship. Upon awaking this morning, I immediately shifted my position and told him in short form that a relationship just isn’t going to work right now. As soon as I sent it, I knew I’d self-sabotaged.

    He responded in short form with “Who is this?”. After the third time, he said he was dead; I had killed what he had left to give and he just couldn’t do this anymore and asked me if I really knew who I was.

    I cried for hours over the loss of him although I created the situation. I went back through the communication, analyzed, overthought but finally could see what he was explaining. I responded and told him I could understand his position, I could recognize the behavior he called out and told him I loved him.

    And now it’s over for good. I just don’t understand me and why I self-sabotage. I am so illogical and seek what’s wrong in relationships rather than recognize what’s right. My over-thinking is constant yet I react to my own thoughts as if they were his. I call myself an empath yet I realize in hindsight that I can say mean things with lacking consideration of others.

    All I know is that I don’t want to be this person anymore. And if this is how I see myself then what does this say about me? How do I stop the self-loathing. I can’t blame him for leaving for good.

    I’ve lost the love of my life because of my mental illness. I want to be better. I’m desperate for help! I need a mentor…someone who’s been through this and has done the work. I need guidance. Is there anyone out there? If so, please message me. #BPDDiagnosis #BPD #BPD relationships #self -sabotage #Selfblame #self -help #help #Mentor


    Not feeling like myself

    Why do I still feel lonely when I have people in my life
    #lonely #depressed #Selfblame

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    Gaslighting Oneself

    People gaslight others..Have you ever gaslighted yourself? I know I have. Stop criticizing yourself, be kind. Realize that blame for whatever, can be for others. We should not accept responsibility for certain things that happened, things that, weren’t our fault or things that are the result of another’s toxic behavior. We can be our own worst critics. We can lie to ourselves. It’s damaging for one’s own self-confidence for one’s own psyche. #Gaslighting #Selfblame we need #Selfconfidence #Breathe #JustBreathe #affirmations #PTSD #Survivor #MentalHealth #Depression #IfYouFeelHopeless #TheMighty

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