self-blame

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    Seeking reassurance from your therapist

    As a child, I was left alone to deal with my problems. I became hyper independent. That’s where the bad coping skills came from. I was 7 years old when I first cut myself. I still to this day have no clue how in the world a 7 year old tells themselves I will cut myself to feel better. Until in the last years that I realized I needed someone to talk to about my experiences, share my feelings with (my stupid feelings and emotions that I never fucking understand or know what they are) and to help me organize my emotions and their meanings. That is why I initially seeked a therapist. I wanted to understand better why I keep on having my suicidal thoughts and get help managing them so they are less invading. I only recently realized that we (my therapist and I) have created a safe place together for my thoughts, but now it is like I am doubting it again because of last session. What I somewhat understood is that: reassurance seeking leads to over explaining, over apologizing, what if and doubts which come from shame/abandonment issues.

    After reading a little online, I can conclude that excessive reassurance seeking is addictive. Like any addiction, the more you do it, the more you want it. It’s an immediate relief like self harm. It is quick and relieves the anxiety that is rumbling through your head. Like self-harming, the relief does not last, and you seek it more and more. The problem with reassurance is that, in the short term, it decreases your anxiety. However, in the long term, it creates a vicious cycle that worsens your anxiety and increases your need for more reassurance. It also decreases your confidence in your ability to answer your own questions and reinforces that you are unable to tolerate the discomfort of uncertainty. How do we fix it? “By exposure and response prevention. This involves repeatedly facing the fear and choosing not to seek reassurance (i.e. not to check, measure, ask, review, and do). Exposure can be paced to slowly and purposely help the person reduce the reassurance seeking. Anxiety levels will eventually fall and the individual learns that reassurance-seeking is not needed to reduce anxiety, the feared outcome does not occur and that they have power over their thoughts and actions.” It all seems very straightforward and easy to do when you read it but emotions and feelings are mixed with all this and that is where it gets complicated. I understand I need to learn how to tolerate uncertainty. Uncertainty is not danger, its distress, it’s a feeling, and it’s not an indication of real danger in the world. I need to change how I respond to it so I no longer seek reassurance, but how do I do that when I lived in a world where no one was safe, every time I trusted someone, it literally backfired. I was either criticized, laughed at, or misunderstood. And even as I grew older, I tried trusting more, forgiving more, being more tolerant with people and they still proved my anxieties were right. My gut feelings are rarely false now. I know how to read people so I do not get hurt, so I know what to expect. The only person I have trouble reading is my therapist and it is quite anxiety provoking. I don’t know why and it’s a piss off.

    Since the beginning my therapist has been telling me to trust people more, be more vulnerable with them. Part of seeking validation and reassurance is also asking for help and being courageous enough to ask for help when needed. Don't all humans do that? Why is it bad? The message that I retained from last session with my therapist is that asking for reassurance is bad and that I shouldn’t do it ever, especially with her and yet I started trusting her and being vulnerable with her. How do they expect me to be vulnerable and honest with them if sometimes involuntarily I have questions and want some reassurance? No one can be self-sufficient, even her. It’s literally impossible. Talking about my fears and insecurities is very hard for me and she knows that, but how am I supposed to do that without relying on her a little or expecting a little reassurance. It is a blessing to find people with whom we feel safe to share our vulnerability when we feel anxious or insecure. Sharing our thoughts, including our need for reassurance, builds trust and connection. How am I supposed to do one without the other? How am I supposed to be honest about my thoughts, my feelings and questions I wonder? Yes, I worry about other people’s feelings, including my therapists. I can’t help it. I do think I am a burden to everyone around me, including her even without any concrete evidence. It is a feeling so ingrained in me that I can’t shake it off because maybe I’ve been told most of my life to shut up because I talk too much and talk too loud. I know she is a human too. I know how difficult it is to remain neutral all the time, to not show your opinion. Unloading onto someone is hard for me because the only thing I’m telling myself is don’t complain too much, don’t unload too much because they will leave. Don’t talk too much or take too much space or else they will stop this. I wish I could press a button and press stop but it goes so fast. I’m starting to realize that a lot of questions and things I ask to my therapsit are a reflection of my opinion about myself as well. I have zero self-compassion, zero self-confidence and zero knowledge on knowing how to reassure myself. I look bad right now, but being honest is so much more important to me. The only way to trust people is with honesty, especially if I want to trust myself one day. #Therapy #Therapist #Anxiety #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #reassurance #Selfblame #Selfharm #SuicidalThoughts #Trust #vulnerability

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    BPD Seeking… #Mentor #bpdhelp

    I am new here; nearly a week in. Didn’t think I’d be posting so soon but unplanned events happen. The 5+ year on/off relationship I’ve been in ended today. I feel numb right now.

    I reached out to him just over a month ago to update him on a few things and seek help on a stressful personal matter. I was only seeking help. 10 minutes in, he brings up “us”. I’ve been stressed, just seeking help…remind him of this.

    A few days in, he tells me he wants the relationship. Approached multiple times on subject. Needless to say, the stress continued and some of it got misdirected towards him. Long story short, he got offended and I got defensive.

    It escalated so I approached him yesterday with MANY incessant texts telling him how much I wanted this relationship. Upon awaking this morning, I immediately shifted my position and told him in short form that a relationship just isn’t going to work right now. As soon as I sent it, I knew I’d self-sabotaged.

    He responded in short form with “Who is this?”. After the third time, he said he was dead; I had killed what he had left to give and he just couldn’t do this anymore and asked me if I really knew who I was.

    I cried for hours over the loss of him although I created the situation. I went back through the communication, analyzed, overthought but finally could see what he was explaining. I responded and told him I could understand his position, I could recognize the behavior he called out and told him I loved him.

    And now it’s over for good. I just don’t understand me and why I self-sabotage. I am so illogical and seek what’s wrong in relationships rather than recognize what’s right. My over-thinking is constant yet I react to my own thoughts as if they were his. I call myself an empath yet I realize in hindsight that I can say mean things with lacking consideration of others.

    All I know is that I don’t want to be this person anymore. And if this is how I see myself then what does this say about me? How do I stop the self-loathing. I can’t blame him for leaving for good.

    I’ve lost the love of my life because of my mental illness. I want to be better. I’m desperate for help! I need a mentor…someone who’s been through this and has done the work. I need guidance. Is there anyone out there? If so, please message me. #BPDDiagnosis #BPD #BPD relationships #self -sabotage #Selfblame #self -help #help #Mentor

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    Not feeling like myself

    Why do I still feel lonely when I have people in my life
    #lonely #depressed #Selfblame

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    Gaslighting Oneself

    People gaslight others..Have you ever gaslighted yourself? I know I have. Stop criticizing yourself, be kind. Realize that blame for whatever, can be for others. We should not accept responsibility for certain things that happened, things that, weren’t our fault or things that are the result of another’s toxic behavior. We can be our own worst critics. We can lie to ourselves. It’s damaging for one’s own self-confidence for one’s own psyche. #Gaslighting #Selfblame we need #Selfconfidence #Breathe #JustBreathe #affirmations #PTSD #Survivor #MentalHealth #Depression #IfYouFeelHopeless #TheMighty

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    Self-loathing Journey #Depression #Anxiety #Selfblame #self -hatred

    It's around 3am and my mind is taking me on that journey again. #Selfblame #self -hatred It's replaying my past and showing again all the times I have wronged my friends, coworkers, colleagues and family. My mind is doing a really good job of making me feel like I am a horrible person, like I am dog poop stuck to your shoes. My mind is correct. I did the things I now regret doing. In most cases, I didn't do these things out of malace or was aware I was doing them at all. I did them because I am greedy, selfish, angry, impatient arrogant and ignorant. All traits and things I got or learned from my parents.

    Even though I am now aware that I have acted like that in the past and have promised myself not to continue these traits, I find I am unable to stop. I have had decades of counseling and therapy designed to change or remove those traits, they are still there as strong as ever and not going anywhere. I try to mask or hide them. In doing so, I usually end up just staying away from people. At home, I stay in my room and keep to myself. I try to keep to myself in public and just ignore others, even when they are being nice and polite. I think because of that people think I am creepy and I can see why. My self-esteem is so low I don't even want to engage people, so people get the wrong impression of me.

    I am no saint but I am also no devil. But, I have behaved poorly to others and that is what my mind is showing me this morning. It's trying to convince me that this is who I am and this is all that I will be. And, it is making a good case for it. I try to fight it but the evidence is pretty strong. I don't like myself. Many of you will say that I can change. I have spent decades trying to change with very minimal change. Now I am sad and more depressed. Hopefully now that I have vented, I can get some sleep. Thanks for letting me vent. Good night.
    #Depression #Anxiety

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    #PTSD #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Anxiety #PanicAttacks #SleepDisorders

    Hi guys! I am a business development manager or account manager who manages clients and bring in new accounts for the company. I brought in a new contract for my company in less than 3 months after joining. My operations team cant deliver what the contract states. And I got to manage my client.

    So today while I am with my boss alone. He told me to stop being so immature and stop thinking about the needs of my clients. If there is a need to cut cost, let my client know and dont quote to their request.

    And I was like….? That dont sound responsible. And he tells me stop thinking for others?

    So, in the first place why bring me on board when one of my role is to bring in more revene for the company?

    Am i being immature for thinking on the perspective of my clients?

    I always build a very good rapport with my clients til they introduce me new clients and we become friends.

    I dont get it? Why he need to use the word on me. Immature? That hurts. I am a veteran in the industry with 11 years of experience.

    It makes me dont want to communicate with any of my colleagues or him anymore now.

    Sucks.

    #PTSD #Anxiety #Selfblame #PanicAttacks #Selfesteem #Selfworth #MajorDepressiveDisorder #sleepdisorder

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    Hopeless

    I don’t blame anyone. I did this to myself. It’s my fault. Everything is my fault. I m sorry mom for not being the perfect daughter you’ve always wanted. I’ve lost control again and all my dreams are going away. #Depression #Anxiety #Selfblame #Selfharm #IfYouFeelHopeless #hopeless

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    Battling With Self Doubt & Feeling Numb

    Hi. i dont know who read this but i just write it down.
    I'm 28. I'm actually battling with self doubt and feeling numb at the same time. I have no idea what should i do to improve my life. #Selfblame #SelfDoubt #numb

    Question

    Will my loved ones, specifically partner, always suffer because of my BPD?

    If I'm not causing a scene or cutting myself due to my obsession with scars I am turning to him taking him from what he enjoys to tend to me so "I don't cut" will I always cause this trauma and pain if I can't change this cycle. #Selfblame #Selfharm #self -harm #BPD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

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    Does anyone punish themselves for mistakes that they’ve made? #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Selfblame #Selfharm

    Been struggling with hating myself for mistakes I’ve made both in the last few years as well as in my teenage and 20’s. I’ve been hospitalized for self harming when angry, and through some reflection I’ve found that I feel the need to punish myself for hurting others. I still get the urges, but I’ve managed to ride out those cravings and self hatred.

    How do y’all process this kind of stuff about yourself?