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    I thought I was worthy of his love; but I guess I was wrong

    this picture is raw and real.
    I stayed up late last night, balling my eyes out, forever missing him. My boyfriend of seven almost eight months broke up with me, a week and four days it’s been since, and it honestly doesn’t get any easier or so it seems. I know it will eventually. It just hurts so bad. Everyday since the breakup I’ve been trying to keep myself busy, because it’s getting hard to barely even function. Thoughts constantly run through this wild head of mine. I constantly think it’s my fault that he broke up with me. Like I’m at fault. When it came to him I was very obsessive. I would call him and message him constantly, wanting to know when i would be seeing him again; or if he was on his way to come get me. The relationship was great in the beginning, but man these last couple months took a toll on me and my mental health. It got so bad that he wouldn’t answer my messages or my calls, but with my history it was understandable to a point. He eventually blocked my number completely. Monday he had promised me that he’d see me, but he had to help finish his cousin move. I was only trying to call him to see when he’d be over but he wouldn’t answer of course, and I panicked and sent myself into crisis mode. He ignored me the rest of the day and night. It wasn’t until Tuesday afternoon where he talked to me through messenger and pretty much told me that he couldn’t put up with me anymore, and that him only seeing me once a week was getting to be too much for him. As I reflect on this now I realize that this isn’t how I want to be treated. I don’t want to be begging for someone’s love or just for them to even want to hangout and spend time with me. I deserve someone whose understanding of how difficult I can be but still manage to put the effort in to work on it and to stay. #Breakups #currentlyhurting #Depression #doesitgeteasier #missinghim #heartbreak


    Not helping..

    So I lost the job interview I had, basically the job was already filled before they took down the help wanted ad online.. and I woke up to the email saying it's been filled.. this, plus the weight of my sweety being commited to a VA Mental Ward, and not hearing from him for 2 wks, not knowing when he will get out, or whenI will see or hear from him again, already has my nerves rattled.. I did 5 job apps online, this morning, tried to push myself to do 13 total, but didn't happen.. so now I'm sitting in bed, bored, lonely, missing my rock and my cheerleader that is my sweety, and just don't want to be here. . #severedepression #Stress #lonely #Overeating #notsleeping #missinghim


    Missing my husband #shatteredbysuicide #Suicide

    That dreaded day is quickly approaching NOVEMBER 24TH, 2008....It was a Monday, cold and rainy. It was 9:50am when I walked upstairs in our townhouse to find you lifeless just hanging in our bedroom closet. It didnt seem real to me. It felt like a cruel joke. The shock had set in. I turned and grabbed our 3 year old baby boy and ran to call 911. The first responders arrived so fast it seemed and as I stood there in our kitchen holding our son there was one blonde headed EMT that came over to me and her words were , "I'm so very sorry ma'am but hes gone". I collapsed onto the cold kitchen floor, I felt empty, it was like a piece of me had just died too. Those word the blonde headed EMT spoke just kept going over and over in my head and flashes of seeing you lifeless hanging there were in my head. I grabbed our baby and just cried and cried. My family arrived and it's like I have memories of some of the day but a lot of it is foggy. #worsedayofmylife I had just lost the love of my life, my #loveofalifetime . My whole world just stopped. I didnt know where to even begin to pick up the shattered pieces....time goes on but my love is forever. In 3 days it will be the 10th anniversary of Joshs death and honestly it's still so hard and it feels like it was just yesterday. You learn to live the new life but you never ever forget. It's the hardest and worse experience in life I've ever had. I still dont understand and I'm pretty sure I never will. The whole why question will always be there lingering but i will cherish every single memory we have. I love you Josh.
    #suicidewidow #Suicide #survivingaftersuicide #missinghim