severedepression

I haven’t been feeling great lately. There have been so many things that are weighing on me.

Have been having lots of anxiety over being overwhelmed and in Freeze mode with my school assignments (to the point that they are already overdue). I feel helpless and trapped, and defeated.

Then I also lost all access to the PTSD sub on Reddit which I relied on a lot for support for the repercussions of a really violent SA I had experienced in 2021, and had all of my Reddit accounts permanently banned this past weekend — and they blacklisted my IP address and device MAC address, so I can’t make any new ones even with VPN — all because of a careless mistake I made on the title of a post on the r/medical sub, which I then tried apologising and explaining to the sub mods about to try and get the sub temp suspension lifted where they muted me after i sent them 2 completely respectful messages. I used an alt acc to ask why they muted me, and they perm banned that alt account, threatened to report me to the Reddit admins for ban evasion, then muted me again. Over a month after I served the temp ban on my main account, I forgot about the existing perm ban on my alt, and when I used my main acc to post another (completely different) question, the mods reported me to the admin. Now all my accounts and any new accounts have been / are being permanently removed from the site. I’ve tried to apologise to the Reddit admins during my appeals, and beg them to just let me have one account to stay on the PTSD sub because I need it (it is a major resource for me since I don’t have much support in real life outside of weekly therapy), they just keep rejecting me. I think they are not even bothering to reply to my appeals anymore. This has caused me to feel a lot of panic, desperation and helplessness.

I’ve also been feeling pretty shit about myself and my place in my family (and the world, really). I feel like I’m wasting all their money. I’m a student and am trying to find a part-time job, but my salary from a PT job barely covers 80–90% of my expenses on meds and therapy alone. My family offers to help me and they are already paying for my schooling. I feel like a burden and that they hate me for wasting their time and money. That they don’t, they can’t, love me. I’m just a leech on their time and savings. Maybe they think I should be dead so I stop being such a burden. My mum is always more frustrated with me than my older sister, even just for sleeping longer than everyone else in the family because I’m severely depressed and always tired. That me sleeping in later into the day ruins the ability to keep the house clean because my room can’t be cleaned by our live-in helper on schedule (she has a very loose schedule). I feel unloveable, like everyone hates me and doesn’t want me around.

From all of this, I’ve had a significant uptick in the intensity of my suicidal thoughts again, like attempting has become a matter of time again.

I went to therapy today. First she brought up my schoolwork and we were supposed to work on anxiety about that today. Then I asked her if we could spare 10 mins on the Reddit thing, and the awful feeling of having lost a resource — we shifted to that. I kept apologizing for wasting her time because the Reddit thing is honestly so stupid, and I don’t know why it’s affecting me so badly. Halfway through processing the Reddit thing, a lot of anxiety about my assignment that was due yesterday (that I still haven’t submitted and am pressed to submit ASAP) came up again. At one point she said “you’re not wasting my time don’t worry” and I started crying, bad. She asked me what was happening and I said I felt like I was wasting everyone’s time and money, especially my family’s, and that I feel like I’m unloveable and a burden. We tried to process that. And I feel fucking awful that I spent the 1 hour session jumping back and forth on so many things. I hate myself. I know she said it was okay, it was actually good, but still… what if she’s lying and she hates me too?

I don’t know what to do. It’s really hard right now. 😔Sorry for wasting everyone’s time with this stupid wall of text. I don’t know where else to put it.

#Therapy #Depression #severedepression #PersistentDepressiveDisorder #Anxiety #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #CPTSD #PTSD #SexualTrauma #SexualAssault #emdr

I live in a large city with a ton of crime and corruption. It’s very hard to be so sensitive and live here. I’m afraid to go outside. The news is always negative. I am reduced to watching cartoons and game shows all day. I’m just sick of it. Sorry 😢

° " I Guess That I'm Annoying To Alot Of People... This Is Why I Don't Really Like Opening Up. Or Sharing Everything That Goes On With My Toxic Workplace... And My Life... This Is Extremely Hard For Me Being An INTROVERT In An Extroverted Society... Is Very Painful And Hard To Be Dealing With Daily..... So I Come Here To Express Myself And My Deep Issue's And Thought's.. That's All.. " Again I'm Sorry For Being Annoying And A Constant Complainer... I Don't Mean Too... " ° ▪︎▪︎▪︎ S.K. ▪︎▪︎▪︎ #severedepression #Thought 's

° " I Worked Today... And At The End Of My Shift.. A Co-Worker... Aka My Bully Came An Told Me Why My Hour's Have Been Cutt.. My Boss Doesn't Have The B***s To Come And Tell Me Why My Hour's Are Being Cut. To The Point Where I Can Barely Pay For Some Thing's... And Today They Came Up With A Reason As To Why... Because Apparently Customer's Have Been Non Stop Complaining... About Me... Well What Do You Want I Don't Feel Well... Every Single Day I'm So Exhausted And Drained... These People Hate Me So Much.. That They Are Willing To Fire Me.. On Stupid Thing's That They Know. That It's Not My Fault It's Thier's. From Messing Up People's Food. I Have Never Had So Much Hate And Mistreatment At A Job Just.. Because I'm Not Like Everyone Else.. Why Are People So Cruel And Mean... I'm A Good Worker And A Person... " ° •Skaoi Kvitravn•#severedepression

° " This Started When I Was Very Little... Not Having My Father Probably Affected How I View Human's... And Having An Emotionless Mother.. That Didn't Show Any Physical Love Like Hug's.. But Would Show It By Buying Thing's.. Those Are Thing's That I Didn't Want But Experienced It Anyway's.. Now Fast Forward... To How I View Human's... I'm A Loner.. I Don't Let Anyone Get Close To Me At All.. I'm Pretty Distant When It Come's To My Sibling's... Trust Me They Are The Same Way... So I Don't Have Friendship's Not Even Outside Of My Job... Because I Don't Like Immature People... If I Can Try To Get To Know Someone... Maybe Trust Will Build One Day... But Right Now.. Too Many Bullie's And Mean Hurtful People Are Ruling This Messed Up World.. So For Now I Will Stay Locked Up With My Pure Heart.. And Mind.. Even Though My Mind Is Not Doing Well For These 2 Month's... Thought's Alot Of #SH .. And Alot Of Saddness Going On Atm... " ° Sincerely, °•° SKAOI KVITRAVN °•° #severedepression

!" I Wake Up Everyday Terrified Of What Or Why I'm Going To Get Yelled At For... I Can't Sleep Because All I Hear Now Are Entitled Customer's... Or My Boss Or Co-worker's Randomly Yell At Me... Disrespect Me Or Continually Talk Bad About Me... For No Reason... I Had An Indecisive Customer... Who Kept Changing His Order... He Kept Asking For 10 Taco's.. With Other Thing's That This Restaurant... Doesn't Carry Apparently... And He Kept Telling Me That I Didn't Understand Him... I Did I Speak English And Spanish Flulently.. So He Kept Asking For Someone Else To Take The Order.. My Boss And The Bully Came Over To Help.. I Have Never Had These Issue's At My Old Environment.. But Here It's Insane... And Alot Of My Co-worker's Don't Do Much Yet Continually Talk Bad About Me... Because I Was Trained To Litterly Do Everything.. And Now I've Been Downgraded To Patio... Lobby Restroom's Parking Lot.. And I'm The Experienced One.. The New Hire's Mess Up Order's.. But Never Get Yelled At I'm The Only Punching Bag.. I Don't Desevere This Kind Of Treatment.. And I Don't Ask For Any Day's Off Or Vacation Time.. Because I Have Just Gotten Here.. And Yet All These New People Are Given Vacation Time Etc.. Double Standard's.. I Over Stay My Limit To Go Home All The Time... But This Lady Is So Needy Of Me... Like Train Other People What I Do.. I'm Only 1 Person... I Litterly Can't Be Everywhere At A Fast Pace.. And I Get Yelled At For Pacing Myself.. " × #WhatIGoThroughDaily #Depression ☆☆SKADI ☆☆

× " OK Sooo On My Last Post About Work Some Member's Are Confusing What I Said... And Taking Thing's Litterly... People Have A Right To Express How They Feel... I Work 8 Hour's A Day 5 Day's A Week.... At A Tiny Restaurant With An Out Door Patio... I Had A Bad Day... And Was Overwhelmed With Taking Order's... And People Accusing Me Of Getting Thier Order's Worng... So I Get Verbally Abused On A Daily Basis... Because Customer's At The Last Minute Change Thier Order's... Or Can't Pay It... Soo It's Also Frustrating Me.. Because Idk The Cash Register Well At All... I'm Good At Stocking... And Food Prep... So Why Put Me On Something That I'm Not Familiar With... This Is Why I'm Starting To Be Stressed Out At My Job... This Is 1st Experience In Food Service Ok... Give Me A Break... And Don't Leave Me Mean Comment's... " × #severedepression #Anxiety ☆☆ S.K. ☆☆

The last time I tried to die was January 2020. I took 47 sleeping pills. Wasn’t enough. Now I am suicidal again and I have absolute nobody to talk to and nobody to depend on. Guess I never really have. Been hospitalized 4x. Meds most of my life. I am treatment resistant. Such a curse. Have to force myself to go to work everyday…just couldn’t do it today. #severedepression #PTSD #DomesticAbuse /torturesurvivor #treatmentresistant