I cannot believe I'm in this situation again. *Trigger warning*
Backstory. In 2019 I moved from Texas to Pennsylvania after getting out an an emotionally abusive relationship that lasted 10 years.
I waited a couple years before thinking about dating again. It took me about 3 years to heal.
A couple years ago I reconnected with an old friend from elementary school. We started talking every day and eventually that let him to fly in to see me. We kept this going for a few months and then decided that he should move up here with me. (this was before he told me about his bipolar disorder and bipolar mania)
Everything about him was perfect. We meshed together really well. The first year was one of the best I ever had with anyone.
Then the random manic episodes kicked in that first winter together. At this time he wasn't on meds. Eventually, he agreed to see a doctor and try medication due to the mania getting worse and affecting our relationship.
3 weeks ago he had the worst mania I had ever seen. At the end of it I found him choking himself to death with his belt. The sight of this made me go into the worst anxiety attack I had ever been in and I vomited 4 times. I've had an on and off headache/migraines every day since then as well.
I haven't been the same since this incident and feel like I should go back home at my aunts down the road to start over again. The outbursts aren't towards me but it makes me feel the same way I felt in my last relationship. Depression, anxiety, walking on egg shells. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't want to live the rest of my life like this either. This was the breaking point I think, as there has been some other troubles caused from his bipolar disorder. He can barely hold a job, and doesn't handle stress like normal people would, lashes out quickly. . It also affects my fibromyalgia. The outbursts and anger cause me to flare up. I haven't felt good all month. I don't blame him. I know he is ill.
He's done everything he could to try and make this work and make our lives better. I think this makes me feel guilty for wanting to end things because unlike my ex, at least he put an effort into by seeing a doctor, getting on meds, trying therapy.
My fiancé has a flight April 13th to visit family for a week and I plan to tell him I think he should just go home permanently, a few days before he flies out. And I don't mean it bluntly. I plan to discuss my the feelings I've had these past 3 weeks and tell him I just can't do it anymore and that I've been contemplating things for a while.
*Side note*
He was planning to move back home to Texas within two years anyway and said he would do it with or without me as he wants to be closer to his kids. I personally do not want to go back so ultimately, I think it's better to break up now cause we would break up over this in the future. When we first discussed it I said maybe but with everything going on, I think It's best to stay here with my family and figure things out again on my own. Hopefully I will learn not to make the same mistakes again. I'm tired of my heart hurting.
#Depression #BipolarDisorder #ChronicFatigue #Fibromyalgia #Relationships #Breakups