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365 Days

Today marks one year since the hardest day of my life so far.

I played a concert tonight under one of my collegiate mentors, who is one of the strongest and smartest people I know. I’ve had the opportunity to play first chair these past three weeks, and it was extraordinarily special to play first for her.

I listened to our rendition of “Shenandoah” on the way home, driving near the airport at 12:30 am. Without even thinking about it, I said out loud to myself: “I think I am finally healed.”

My heart has and continues to be mended. I am so grateful to feel finally some inklings of healing.

Things come and go and it is okay to feel all feelings about all of it. I wish I could go back to my younger self and tell her all of these things.

Eternally grateful for my achievement and growth in the last year. I could not have imagined a year ago that I would be here.

Oh, Shenandoah, I’m bound to leave you,
Away, you rolling river
Oh, Shenandoah, I’m bound to leave you,
Away, I’m bound away, across the wide Missouri.

#Grief #Anxiety #heartbreak #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #Music #breakup

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“That it can’t get much worse depends on who you’re asking…And everything I begged of you comes bouncing off the clouds. Now I just hear my own voice saying ‘Help me!’ twice as loud.”

(from “Showdown” by Julien Baker & TORRES)

#Autism #ADHD #artastherapy #ChronicPain #ChronicIllness #Relationships #Grief #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Depression #Music #Lyrics

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from “Deeper Well” by Kacey Musgraves


…I'm saying goodbye to the people that I feel are real good at wasting my time
No regrets, baby, I just think that maybe
You go your way and I'll go mine
It's been a real good time
But you've got dark energy, something I can't unsee
And I've got to take care of myself
I've found a deeper well

.., I'm getting rid of the habits that I feel
Are real good at wasting my time
No regrets, baby, I just think that maybe
It's natural when things lose their shine
So other things can glow
I've gotten older, now I know
How to take care of myself
I've found a deeper well

When I was growing up
We had what we needed, shoes on our feet
But the world was as flat as a plate
And that’s okay
The things I was taught only took me so far
Had to figure the rest out myself
And then I found
I found a deeper well

#Music #Lyrics #artastherapy #MentalHealth

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Sometimes I rewrite lyrics when I connect to a song but want it to align more with my experiences. Below is a reworked version of “The Architect.”

(Reworked version of “The Architect” by Kacey Musgraves)

Even something as small as each creature
Small but quite complex
Wondrous, divine
All different designs
Can I speak with the architect?

Just look at all of the people
Did we get here by grand design?
Were we devised?
Are we all a surprise
formed by random, chaotic things?

Are we thought out at all,
or paint thrown at a wall?
Is there anything that You regret?
I don’t understand
Are there blueprints or plans?
Can I speak to the architect?

Sometimes, I think about me
And wish I could make a request
Can I pray stuff away?
Am I shapeable clay?
Or is this as good as it gets?

One day you think that you’ve got this
This thing that we all call life
Then a wind from behind
carries ember and ash
and it burns your world to the ground

Is it thought out at all,
or just pain on a wall?
Is there anything that You regret?
I don’t understand
Are there blueprints or plans
Can I speak with the architect?

Sometimes, I think I’m too broken,
and maybe too hard to love
I’m in a strange state
and stuck in bad places
Can You help me make sense of it?

Does it happen by chance?
Is it all happenstance?
Do we have any say in this mess?
Is it too late to make some of it better?
Can I speak to the architect?

This life that we make is it random or fate?
Are we our own architects?
Is there an architect?

#artastherapy #Music #words #Lyrics #ChronicIllness #MentalHealth

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It's Hit!

Sometimes your body takes a hit and you need to step away. Playing music in the car helps clear the mind, but sometimes we need silence.

music.youtube.com/watch

I create music that people can relate to (hopefully) so let's see how you like it.

Hang In There
We Got This!

#bts #BTSArmy
#Music #Trying
#BipolarDisorder
#PanicDisorder
#Work
#MentalHealth
#AnxietyDisorder

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Some lyrics from “We’re In Love” by boygenius (bittersweet melancholy when it’s needed)

“You could absolutely break my heart
That's how I know that we're in love
I don't need the symbol of a scar
So put down the knife
We're not swapping blood

Damn, that makes me sad
It doesn't have to be like that
If you rewrite your life, may I still play a part?

In the next one, will you find me?
I'll be the boy with the pink carnation pinned to my lapel
Who looks like hell and asks for help
And if you do, I'll know it's you

I can't imagine you without
The same smile in your eyes
There is something about you
That I will always recognize
…”

#Music #Lyrics #artastherapy #Relationships #Grief

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What I’m striving for- getting to a reality where, even with life’s regular troubles, I can tell myself “everything is alright now” and it be true

Words below taken from
“Rainbow” by Kacey Musgraves:

When it rains, it pours…
It's hard to breathe when all you know is
The struggle of stayin' above the rising water line

..,you're stuck out in the same ol' storm

If you could see what I see, you'd be blinded by the colors
Yellow, red, and orange, and green, and at least a million others

You hold tight to your umbrella
…darlin', I'm just tryin' to tell ya
that there's always been a rainbow hangin' over your head

…the sky has finally opened
The rain and wind stopped blowin'
But you're stuck out in the same ol' storm again…
…Let go of your umbrella

Oh, tie up the bow, take off your coat, and take a look around
Everything is alright now

…[And] there's always been a rainbow hangin' over your head

#artastherapy #Music #Relationships #Trauma #Anxiety #Depression #MentalHealth #Grief

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“If beauty is the only way
To make the nightmares go away
I'll plant a garden in your brain
And let the roots absorb the pain”

(from “Trust” by Lucy Dacus)

#Music #artastherapy #MentalHealth

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