writing

I love to journal and I love finding prompts to journal about. I just Google the prompts that I'm looking for and I find thousands of them. Tonight's prompt is really making me think. Especially about the positive. I know it sounds negative and pessimistic to say that I tend to think of the negative regarding my situation. I suppose negative thinking and internal dialogues are a normal aftereffect of being abused. But tonight I want to challenge those thoughts by writing something positive. So this brings me to the question: What do I love most about my life? I've never actually put much thought into this question. Maybe there isn't any one answer to this question but I'm going to answer this as best I can.

I tend to focus on the fact that I was abused and abandoned and this leads me to think that there is no good in my life. This isn't true. I love the fact that I can finally and genuinely feel safe. The hyper-vigilance of PTSD is still pretty active especially around people I don't know but now I can tell myself that I am truly safe. I have a family now that would protect me if they needed to. I can rest at night (pretty well) knowing that my nightmares can't hurt me and they aren't as bad as they once were. I love that I can be safe with a few select people and not shut them out because of distrust or fear.

I love that I am loved and wanted. After being abused and abandoned I felt objectified and unwanted. Now though I am expected at family functions and have been told how loved and wanted I actually am.

I love how I can create the life that I want without the fear of being abused again. No longer do I live in fear but I can now live each day as I choose. If I relapse I can show myself grace and love. If I have a healing day then I can celebrate it. I love how I can express myself without fear of retribution. I can be open and honest with myself and others and have my experiences and emotions validated. These might seem like little things so some but they are big things to me.

Just being free from abuse and fear and being able to adjust to life at my own pace means a lot. Like I always say, I am not fully healed but each day I am getting closer to my goal. I may have bad days where I slip up but I also have good days where I can be proud of myself and show myself the love that I always deserved. So I ask you: What do you love about your life? I won't tell you to think positive because I know that toxic positivity can be hurtful. I will tell you to celebrate your life and your accomplishments. You deserve it. Just as I do. I am so glad that I chose this prompt because now I feel more positive and happier compared to earlier. I hope this post inspires someone today. Blessings to you all.

#PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #Hope #Healing #Writing #Love #Life

Hello, I would like to have some opinions on writing some disabled characters. I'm writing a fantasy novel, and my protagonist has fibromyalgia (which I do too). But I know disabilities are not always correctly portrayed in media, and I don't want to offend anyone with my characters, so I would like to know what people think of them.

My protagonist is a guy, who suffers from fibro since he was a kid. My issue here is that an important theme in the story is to find your purpose, so my character starts by being depressed and feeling he has no purpose. It's not entirely because of his disability, but it does play a big part in it. Through the story, he learns that he's wrong and that he does have a purpose.

He's not trying to find a cure. At the end of the story he still has fibro.

I've done research on this, and lots of articles say that we shouldn't portray disabilities as something bad, but he does see it as something bad, as something that gets in his way (at least at the beginning).

Is this alright? Does it show a bad example?

Another character is a girl that has a mental disability. She gets tricked by an evil character because she knows the girl cannot really defend herself. This evil character also shows that the girl's disability bothers her and she kind of thinks less of her because of it.

I know this is really mean and terrible, but she's an evil character, so she has to be mean and terrible.

Is it wrong if I make the disabled character be tricked? Is it too uncomfortable?

The last character is another girl who has burn injuries. She covers her injuries with long clothes because she doesn't like how her skin looks.

Is this rude in any way? Is it wrong to make her cover her injuries?

One of my goals with this story is to have some representation, especially of fibro which is rarely seen in media, but I want to know if I'm doing it right.

All opinions are welcome. Thank you.

#Fibromyalgia #Writing #Disabilities

I started writing during and after having sad epsiodes. I’ve felt sad for what seems like forever now but I’ve only really been really sad for a couple days this time.

I wanted to share one of the things I just wrote. It might not make loads of sense but I don’t know, maybe someone else might reasonate with how it feels :)

It hurts again, right now. The feelings of feeling too much. My heart, my soul, they kick and they scream “darkness, o, darkness! Please just leave me alone!” I’m going. Drifting away. Sometimes I think that darkness may have just swallowed me whole one day. I didn’t realise till now. It surrounds me. It bites laughs, teases, punches. It hurts. It always hurts. Where did I go? Who am I really? I feel angry, then sad, sometimes kinda happy. But then sappy, sorrowful, slight. That’s a good word to describe me. Now a slight version of who I once was. Will I ever come back? I want to punch that darkness that teases me oh so much. But for me, it’s oh. So. MUCH. Too much. Too much work. Too many emotions, yet not enough at the same time. Effort? Who’s she? I have none of that left. Maybe I’ll bathe in the darkness for awhile instead.

#Writing #Selfharm #Anxiety #Depression

Had a therapy session this morning and aside from all the processing we talked about how to create meaning from the pain. I am still in the stages of doing this but it has made me less adamant about getting an apology or explanation from those that hurt me.

Creating meaning out of my experiences has taught me that it is okay to not get an apology. No one can tell me the meaning of my experiences. We are each the authors of our own stories. No one dictates what is and isn't traumatic for us. This really opened my eyes. I had so many people telling me what my experiences with abuse were and how I should feel about them.

Now I realize that only I can say what was traumatic and how I feel about it. I am the author of my own story and I can create whatever meaning I choose. I can end strong and know that I came out the other side. I can close this chapter and start a new one.

Though I am still healing and processing I can slowly create meaning from my experiences. I can piece together my story. I know the truth of what I went through and that is enough, even if it's not enough for others. I am enough and so are you.

What meaning will you make out of your experiences? Don't beat yourself up if you're still figuring that out just like I am, it's okay. Creating meaning takes time. And meanings change over time. This is okay. I hope my insight can help you today.

#Meaning #Life #Experiences #Therapy #PTSD #SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #Healing #Writing