narcisism

So I didn't want to share this yet, but for some reason I felt today was the day to let everyone know I signed and he signed the divorce papers! It has been a long, long rode to get to here today. It's a bitter sweet feeling. I still feel like a failure. That I failed my kids who are now 20 and 24 and in a way I did. They had to be around the toxicity and that wasn't good for them. If I could have done things differently I would have divorced a long time ago. I was so vulnerable back then that I didn't trust my own thoughts and feelings because he had manipulated, belittled me, made me second guess myself, the porn!!, the stalking with GPS trackers in the car. The indoor cameras that were all over the house and even in our bedroom. He made me double think my own sanity, the outdoor moving cameras all angles on the house, did I mention the porn!! The cheating, and more cheating and finally the big thing that ended our marriage was the STD he got.. (he says a dirty toilet seat) I knew that it was over at that point.
Now, I am not perfect. I got a bad addiction to opiates and it ran it's course and I did alot of damage in the home. I was miserable with myself with everyone around me, the world. The day I got clean I knew was the end of my marriage. I couldn't deny my feelings anymore. I had to sit with them and really understand why I feel the way I do.
I decided to better myself and really find who I was. I started therapy, I joined a 12 step fellowship. I got a support network. I started to do service in this 12 step fellowship. I got a part time job, started to learn how to apply makeup and make myself look pretty again. I went to school to become a Peer Advocate, and even became a recovery coach! I started too love myself again. I started feeling I wasn't so alone. The more I did the next right thing, the happier I became. I even took domestic violence classes. I started to save money and build a little savings account.. and finally I moved out. So here we are today, finished signing the divorce papers. I am currently living in my own apartment. I am about to work a full time job as a Peer Advocate. Pay my own bills and go back to school to get my masters in Mental Health counseling. I'm living the dream and it only goes up from there.

I hope this doesn't post doesn't trigger anxiety or pain. I just want to share part of my story. Decades ago, I met the "man of my dreams." Within the first 1-2 years, the above behaviors crept in. This man "loves" me! What can I do to be the woman he wants? Constant anxiety, devastation, abandonment (excluded me from his social life) , confusion, criticism, feeling "stupid" were in me everyday. I began drinking, alone (genetic predisposition would probably have kicked in anyway). My career was great but I felt less than anyone. Being drunk around my husband helped me feel "as if" I was the wife he wanted. (Fast forward 20 plus years. Sobriety!)
My main point in all this is that many people are not aware of when they are with a narcissist. NARCISSISM ??? As a young woman this word was never on my radar. I had no clue as to why my relationship was constant turmoil for me, while his life was fine. It took decades for me to truly understand the meaning of narcissism. I hope the above list is helpful to someone who might not be educated to narcissism, and, realize therapeutic care might be extremely helpful in breaking the cycle of abuse. Good luck to you!