Pained

My friend and law school mate few years ago who stays in the UK died of Covid-19 yesternight. I'm in shock, tears and in pains. 😢😢😭😭

I suffer from depression and anxiety and have for years now. I have a very hard time opening up to people and tend to keep things to myself but have support from my therapist, fiancé, two close friends, and my family. This past week has been a very hard one for me and I am barely holding it together. I got into a minor car accident last Monday. I am fine physically but it was my fault and I blame myself for not paying more attention to my surroundings and am having a hard time moving past it. On Wednesday I visited my old town I moved from this past year to try to make amends with some old friends from high school after a therapy appointment whom I’ve recently had a falling out with which I later discovered was not a good idea. I went to their apartment to try to work through things that had gone wrong in our friendship and it was extremely awkward. We didn’t talk for the first 30+ minutes and I The whole time I just wanted to leave. They eventually ended up blaming me for the fallout of our friendship and they bashed me for not saying anything or being open with them about my life but how can I when I feel like I am a problem and feel like what I say to them won’t matter anyways? They made me feel so little of myself and a burden to them that I contemplated taking my life once I left their apartment but eventually I calmed myself down long enough for the feeling to pass. & lastly the next day (Thursday) one of my very best friend’s (this isn’t one of my old friends I was talking about earlier, this is truly my number 1 best friend) house burned down and she lost everything her and her family owned. With all of this going on I asked my old friends who I visited last week if I could take some time to deal with my mental health and myself and instead of them being understanding they were extremely self centered and made me feel like shit because they made the point again saying how I haven’t come to them about anything dealing with my personal life or let them know what’s going on in my life and that they’re sorry I’m going through things but how can they be there for me when I don’t share things with them but how can I be open and honest with them when they don’t like my fiancé (they never have), they blamed me for the falling out of our friendship, and whenever I’m around them I’m never truly happy and I can never be myself? I honestly don’t know if I made the right decision but I feel like I don’t need them in my life. They don’t respect my relationship with my fiancé, and they never will. I’m just at a loss on what to do. I have told them I wanted to fix things in the past which I have until how I was treated on Wednesday. I feel like anything I say or do with them isn’t going to make a difference. They’re the type of people that when their minds are made up that’s the end of it. I’m just lost and broken. #Depression #Anxiety #Toxic #Pained