Hi everyone, happy new year y’all. I hope each one of you we’ll find happiness and strength in this year. And hopefully, it will be good for all of us.
Sadly, it hadn’t started well for me.
I want to leave my bf. I’ve been wanting that for a very long time. I feel caged, emotionally abused, belittled, manipulated, always makes me look like I’m a psycho for voicing what bothers me or for setting boundaries. Always turns things around to make me look bad.
That’s what happened over the weekend.
My cousins came with his wife for a visit, from Poland. So me and my sister drove to my moms house to greet them, and then, they were going to my sisters house, where I was invited with my bf as well.
While we were there still at my moms house, my bf decided to visit few bars, along with my sisters husband. Her husband kept sending me pictures to piss me off. But I didn’t react. Then, we came to my sisters house, they were already there.
They talked about how fun it was to be in the bar, that some lady gave my bf her number. I was already a bit tense. But I tried to put up a good face.
It was late already, and I already talked with my bf through the messages that were not staying long, because I didn’t feel well that day. But he continued to drink, and whenever I asked him to leave, he mocked me. He played sweet and nice in front of my family, while ignoring my well being and me wanting to leave. He kept asking, why do I look at him like I’m angry, knowing well that I am and what’s the reason. I was already super mad, when he and my sisters husband started talking about my brother. And my bf said some really mean things about him. I cut off that conversation and went to smoke. I texted him that once he finishes his drink (it was almost done) we’re leaving, and he said okay. But when I came back, he already had another full drink in his hand, and laughed at me for being angry about it. I got so angry, I felt my chest tightened. I wanted to cry and he knew that, but he kept mocking me and everyone thought he’s funny and I’m being moody and mean.
I couldn’t take it anymore, so I left without him. I asked if he’s leaving with me, but he said no. But he started messaging me to leave his car alone, that I can walk, that I don’t know how to behave, and that my family thinks so too, that I’m crazy, and he has had enough.
I feel so beyond disgusted by his behavior. Especially, that it’s not the first time he ignores my well being. And manipulates me into thinking I’ve done something wrong. The way he twists things around to make me look bad. He acts like I’m the bad guy, while he was pushing it too far all night.
I don’t want to be with him. I didn’t want to for a whole know, but I dragged.
My options are very limited, because I don’t have a car and a place to live. Living with my sister isn’t an option because I’ve already tried. He husband was okay towards me, but behind my back it was obvious he was so bothered by that he started to make things up to turn my sister against me.
I don’t have much money saved, and I don’t have a social. I don’t know where to start. But I’m mentally tired, and can’t take it anymore.
Yesterday, he asked me if I have nothing to say about my behavior. Of course, my behavior, not his. When I said no, he said I made him look bad, I was telling at him, and that he’s tired of it, so I can start looking for a place to live or he’ll move out .
I was so hurt that night, so angry, I cut myself. It was a distraction from the internal pain he caused me.
Please, give me some rational advice and not anything out of my reach. Thank you! #Toxic #Selfharm #Depression #mentalabuse #PanicAttacks