Toxic

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Ending Of a Toxicship

It’s become clear that this whatevership has to come to an end. It’s the most toxic relationship that I’ve ever been in and it’s never going to change. You have to cut it off completely is the only way a narcissist will get it. For so long I’ve endured abuse after abuse for the privilege of this person noticing me. What I didn’t realize is that this person likes when I’m in crisis and he can play the big white savior but the savior isn’t invested in my well being he’s invested in my perpetual crisis and will facilitate one so that he can get his fix of look at me how good I am. This is a __ship that should’ve never happened. I was warned to not ever date this person. He’s incapable of any type of relationship other than a toxic one. He only dates unavailable men. Married men, committed men, closeted men, toxic men etc. He’s 64 and is miserable because he doesn’t know who he is. I see him clearly and I don’t want anymore, this September will mark the end of this toxic ship and I won’t ever be coming back not in anyway shape or form. We’re Done, so done we need a new word for done. #Toxic #relationship #narcisstic #Abuse #gaymen #Trauma

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just sharing a bit whats going on atm

i got diagnosed with BPD very recently and still work my way through understanding myself. its a rocky road but sometimes a bit of a relief too because now my traits are more visible to me and there is a name for all of this. i was really ashamed for a couple of weeks when i got diagnosed because i had such a bad impression of what BPD is. i thought we are bad and evil people with no control and a very wrong perspective on ourselfes and others. now, with the help of my therapist and reading stuff here i begin to understand that i am not crazy or a bad person. i am learning about my traits and how to be more clear about situations when intense feelings like loneliness, anger and random fears come up. i am also recovering from a super unhealthy relationship that was abusive in many ways and now i understand that i do not choose a partner because i want to be with them, its more i need them to feel complete and through them i can finally see who i am. at least that is how it always felt. but now i understand its not healthy and this leads to poor boundaries, codependency issues and deep fears get triggered, also massive anger. but understanding those issues is the first step to learn how to cope in a more healthy way. :) right now with understanding all of this, i feel numb towards my ex (that i so much wanted to marry 3 month ago) but i have this strong feeling that i need a new partner. it is very hard for me to accept that i should not date anyone right now and work on myself. i cant do that when i am involved with someone because then all my traits take control. i am trying to stay away from potential dating but i have no idea how long i can resist. and on top there is that little fear inside of me that one day i will see my ex by chance and might feel massive pain about the loss. i remember clearly that pain i had the first weeks after breaking up. had to take medication to reduce the panic and anxiety. i couldnt move and had panic attacks because there was so much pain. and the anxiety that i am super lonely and empty was really bad. then my ex began to stalk me for 2 month and the pain over the loss went to pain of being abused again and not respected because i learned that stalking has very little to do with love. is anyone out there also struggeling with needing a partner so much? or anyone who also got diagnosed recently? #BPD #Toxic relationship #DBT #Emptiness #Codependency

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Breaking free

Hello!

I wanted to share with everyone my journey through breaking free from my attachment issues, anxiety and toxic environment.

A little back story: My name is Sally, I am 28 years old diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis, anxiety,depression,PCOS and binge eating disorder. My life was semi on hold for 6 years now because of all my illnesses. I had anxiety for as long as I remember I think from the time that my father passed away when I was 5 years old. My mother also suffers from all the diagnoses I have which made it hard for her to care for my emotional needs.

My family is very toxic, since I was young I was made fun of how I look and how I weight. No one really cared about me when I was sick too which made me unaware about my health and made me accept a lot of pain that could have been taken care of if I listened to the signals my body gave me. I actually gave up on living and was living like a zombie until now.

A year ago I met my boyfriend, a guy from South-Korea who has treated me with care and love for this whole year and made me realize how easy it was for my family to help me get out of this emotional pain. If there was just a part of the support my boyfriend gave me from them maybe I wouldnt have suffered this much.

My mother is very protective and controlling. I never could make choices in my life, I also never slept over at someone or travelled with friends or alone.

But I too was overly attached to my emotionally unavailable mother always begging to be loved. But when time went by I noticed that I was stuck while everyone was going forward. My brother who is 5 years younger than me got married which kind off pulled a plug in me.

I am so happy for him but I also felt a big embarrassment and disappointment in myself and all the things my mother and stepdad said came in to mind.

"No one wants a fat woman" "you are disgusting" "I will only hug you if you lose weight "you cant sit on my bed you might break it"

My health was never their priority it was always how I looked. I was unhappy and I was sick, I barely ate but my anxiety made me always throw up or binge eat but all that mattered is how I will look at my brothers wedding.

I decided it was time for me to take distance from them and decided to move to South-Korea for a few months until the wedding to be with my boyfriend. My anxiety was killing but I am managing it by writing here and being aware about my feelings.

A lot of thoughts in my mind "Your boyfriend will also think you are disgusting" "His parents will hate you because you are sick and fat"

I felt so sad thinking those things since I was always a person who had a lot of confidence and amazing energy.

Tomorrow is the day that I will leave for the first time in my life I made a decision on my own and I chose to get out of my comfort zone and tackle my mental illnesses hard to be happy.

Its been enough. I had enough of hating myself while i have been through so much and still am going through a lot. I had enough of my family treating me this way but me still being so attached to them and being scared to leave the toxic environment.

Only God knows how sick I feel right now to leave but its my first step to happiness and healing.

I hope I can share this journey with you guys and people who have some tips and tricks please let me know. The love is needed as I really have no one around me to support me at the moment.

I am sorry for the stories being so messed up together its because I am writing through my emotions now but I promise I will keep you guys updated and will write in a more understandable way next time.

X
Sally

#Depression #Healing #Arthritis #BingeEatingDisorder #Anxiety #Toxic #PolycysticOvarySyndrome

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BPD: the void inside and the loneliness

i just recently got diagnosed with BPD. its super confusing but also a relief because it explains why i was running all my life. always being restless in my work and relationships. i was running from myself because in the core of my personality there is a deep void that was caused by massive childhood trauma (was left alone by both parents and experienced a lot of violence as a kid). and standing still makes me feel the loneliness that comes from this void. it feels like its gonna kill me if i get in touch with that feeling. like really sucking me in or making me go "crazy".

i just broke up my relationship 2 month ago because i had an abusive partner. i just lasted 10 month but in the last two month the pain got worse and i realized that my partner was sexually and mentally abusing me. i dedicated my life to that person and cared a lot (my partner was bipolar, had ocd, anxiety and adhd). but in my partners eyes i failed many times because i somehow tried to keep boundaries. like having an evening for myself (to recover from work and taking care of my partner) was a sign for my partner that i wasnt able to love or care or i was told that i am not good enough and unable to really be in a relationship. i began to understand that i worked on being able to be alone for so many years and now its concidered to be so wrong? as i got deeper into analyzing the relationship and what it did to me the pain got worse and also the fear of losing the relationship. but i tried to take care of myself and broke up. it was the hardest thing to do because i convinced myself it was real love. all my issues came up just after the break up. anxiety, panic, loneliness, emptiness and the inner void became super present, almost killing me. still after 2 month of being out of the relationship i wake up with panic that turns into anxiety just to end up feeling so lost and lonely. every day. i try to put on my shield and mask to be able to work but i feel pushing it away makes it worse. when i come home at night i usually break down and cry until i am so tired that i just fall asleep. in my free time i see my friends to give me that safety feeling, at least for a couple of hours. i so badly want to get rid of the void that is so painful and threatening. just want to run. but now the first time in my life i cant run away because i see so clearly that the void is inside of me and will be with me everywhere. since 2 weeks my ex stopped contacting me and blocked me. my ex was trying to keep me in their life and was trying to convince me that they want me so much...while being on dating platforms. that broke the trust and my heart. i knew then i was right with feeling like everything was just fake with them. i knew then they just want to keep me in line for selfish reasons. i felt how my heart broke and the first time in my life i let myself feel the pain. it goes deep and so far i know already it has nothing to do with the person but with my own story. and now i understand that the pain and the void cant kill me. it goes so intense because i cant regulate my emotions very well and i feel lonely because i have no relationship with myself, if there even is something like a self. today i cried very hard because i realized i miss myself. but i dont know where to find me and how to make me love myself. the one thing that helps to reduce this deep pain and fear is that it seems to be part of the BPD diagnosis. how do you guys with this diagnosis deal with the pain and loneliness? i really need to learn how to cope with these deep feelings.

meggy

#BPD

#Toxic realtionship

#Trauma

#DBT

#Pain

#Sadness

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