Toxic

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so proud i made it this far

#Addiction #Bipolar #BPD #CPTSD #Toxic relationships#ADHD #Microdosing

hey everyone..its been awhile since ive been on the mighty.. I've been going through some very painful events in my life..i mean im really going through it..but im making it..i recently decided to finally leave a 20 year toxic relationship who i thought i loved that i used with..its been hard..

today i am one month and exactly one day clean from cocaine..thanks to my doc putting me on topamax..never thought that med would be so helpful for cocaine dependency but its been a miracle and im loosing weight also..i am starting to love myself more and more each day and taking my time w everything that i do..

i enjoy work now..enjoy life in general..no my life is not perfect but its better!!! it has gotten so much better..i dont have to worry about other females that he has had in his life..dont have to worry about him at all..

its such a relief..im healing in my own little way and it may have taken me to isolate and push people away for me to heal but thats just me..i didn't wanna put my problems onto others and feel like a burden or get judged..i also bought me my own little kitten..a 2 month old black and fluffy female kitten..named her passion bc i was so passionate about getting her..

and she has helped me so much..i have only had her for a week but feel like thats all i need..shes so precious and im stress free..oh its been hell this past month going through cocaine withdrawals but the meds my docs got me on cut out the cravings and now when i microdose i release the held in pain..

15 reactions 8 comments
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#Toxic Toxic sisters #Anxiety

Value friends. Sisters are toxic especially when you're the middle human and they've been placed on a pedal store our whole life.

6 reactions 3 comments
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I Know What To Do! WHY Is It So Hard?

I went cold on a neighbor that moved away last October.. She was unbelievable and so toxic. Everyday she would show up at my house and I felt bad and let her in. Her children, grown, hate her and her husband had moved out of the bedroom almost a decade ago. She is a toxic lier! Telling her entire family she has MS and for 10 years she had everyone fooled she saw a doctor and was medicated. An emergency revealed she lied. The lies were enormous! So I felt bad for her because her husband filed for divorce, but he did catch her cheating when she got caught having sex with her married boss and they both got fired!
Here's my problem, number one, I'm a scapegoat, 2 I'm an empath and my heart is huge but I know I should not be talking with her at all and she just called after a year! She's almost homeless! And I know id never let her move in here but she needs my help. I did her divorce for her in 2022! And neglected myself!! I know I shouldn't answer the phone if she calls again!!! I know my new therapist would be very upset I decided to take 2 calls from her after a year! I'm mad at myself!! Do I answer again and explain again I need to take care of me, my husband and home or do I never answer again? I'm the daughter of a narcissistic mother and the scapegoat of the family. So you know where my heart is always at!! Thanks guys for your help!!! #Toxic #CPTSD #Anxiety #mood disorder #scapegoat #Childhood abuse #Bipolor #Daughter of a narcissistic mother

31 reactions 20 comments
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Anyone else’s family fighting stress them out?

My mom calling my dad an Effing Coward, them calling each other names my mom especially putting him now, sister and mom fighting, me and my mom lately not getting along either or avoiding each other. It’s a little hard.

#struggling #dysfunctional #Toxic #hard #Family #help #Relationships #boundaries #BadDay

3 reactions 3 comments
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Unconditional Love

Gave it my all, but took a mighty fall,
Love's grip so tight, it claimed my soul's thrall.
Now my mind seeks solace for the void within,
Aching heart, searching for ways to begin.

Emptiness and darkness, pain's ceaseless rain,
A struggle to comprehend, accommodate, restrain.
Who knew a friendship could be so toxic and bleak,
Leaving my body anoxic, longing to seek

Survival, I found, by grace of the divine,
Hustling for a life where my spirit can finally shine.
No more hurt, no more tears to spill,
I won't neglect those who uplift and instill

Belief in me, true friends who stay,
Unyielding in love, even when skies turn gray.
Those who stand strong through life's hardest test,
They are the ones who deserve my best.

Pushing away those who truly care,
Leaves one gasping for air, lost and unaware.
I've been through it, and now it's your turn,
May you learn from mistakes and the bridges you burn.

But through it all, I'll still be there,
With abundant love and genuine care to share.
I know the pain of abandonment's sting,
But fear not, my support is no fleeting fling.

My heart is pure, my intentions sincere,
No prey to lure, no hidden agenda to adhere.
For humanity's sake, my mission's aim,
Fiery ambition runs deep in my veins.

Forgiveness and love, I choose to embrace,
No room for hatred, no enemy to chase.
So here's to the next chapter, the story's sequel,
Counting blessings, ensuring your path sees the sun's golden sheen.

No foes shall I keep, for all are equal,
Cheers to a life where compassion is fecal.
With open arms, I welcome what's in store,
A new journey awaits, and my heart's ready to explore.

#Friendship #Love #BestFriends #Toxic #Heartache #friendsfight #Itsokay #humanity #Acceptance #Hope #Positivity #Forgiveness #Healing

1 reaction 1 comment
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Forgiveness, Trauma, Complicated Relationships and Catholic Beliefs #Trauma #Abuse #Relationships

As a trauma survivor I'm always told that forgiveness is necessary for healing, and yet others say that it isn't necessary. As a practicing Catholic, I know what the church says but when you have complicated relationships with your family then I think that makes forgiveness a little more difficult. I have no relationship currently with my family ever since I spoke up about the abuse I was enduring. They seemed to turn on me and I am still healing those wounds. I used to feel completely let down and invalidated.

I felt defeated and unimportant. I thought that speaking up would make things better. It did the opposite. Other than no longer being abused, I struggle to see the positives. Sure I have a loving fiancé that has been with me every step of my healing journey but somedays that just isn't good enough. I have written numerous letters of forgiveness to my abusers but always discarded them. I felt they either weren't genuine or I wasn't ready. However I have been able to forgive myself for not knowing certain things then that I know now. Yet I struggle to forgive my abusers. It makes it harder because the abusers are family members.

What are your takes on forgiveness? I do want to reach a place of healing and maybe forgiveness one day. I want heal so much that I cannot get triggered. Though having #PTSD makes that a little hard. I feel like if I forgive then I can move on. I know forgiveness is a personal choice but I just wanted some opinions. Ultimately I may follow Catholic doctrine and forgive my enemies but right now I am not there.

#SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #ChildhoodAbuse #Trauma #BipolarDisorder #PTSD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Family #Toxic #Healing #Writing #Forgiveness #Catholic

5 reactions 4 comments
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I think this is great ...... #MentalHealth #Abuse #Toxic #Anxiety #PTSD #Depression #Selfcare

#Abuse
I came across this on my Melanoma Awareness IG account which I hadn't been on in ages until recently. This came up on someone's post and I thought it was an amazing thing for bars/clubs/restaurants to be doing it was in the bathroom .I think it such a good thing that could help people female/male s also as its not only females who can suffer abuse or suffer being in scary,dangerous situations. I think more places should definitely have things like this in place to help anyone needing it .

#MentalHealth #CheckInWithMe #Anxiety #Depression #Selfcare #PTSD #Positivity #Abuse #Bekind #PTSDSupportAndRecovery #AloneTogether #Awareness

39 reactions 9 comments
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Unhealthy Workspace

I had only one thing that made me busy through the day. My job. And now probably I'm going to lose it. It began few months ago. My manager started verbally abusing me through call where everyone was present. At first I tolerated, then I was irritated and atlast today I reacted. He was constantly doing it, bullying me, harassing me and pushing me to the edge where I just couldn't help myself but react.

Now it is done. I can't take it back. I know they are gonna release me from my project cause he has upper hand. I complained to his manager. But I have doubt how much that gonna work. They are gonna believe him only and take his side.

I don't know what I did was right or wrong.

But I just could not take the abuse anymore.

I think I have lost the last thing I had that kept me going.

#Work
#Toxic
#Harassment #Pledge2EndBullying
#MajorDepressiveDisorder
#Anxiety
#AvoidantPersonalityDisorder
#PTSD

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Anger is a valid emotion

Stories, books, and music, have always been cherished friends. My mother was the kind of mother that never really wanted to be a mother; it was foisted upon her. If I detach myself from this story, I see the scared 17 year old version of her that got knocked up in high school in a time and place where this was a big deal. My penitent grandparents were reborn Christians with a whole lot to atone for and my bastard existence would have most certainly been viewed as not just my mother’s failure, but by extension, also their own. So they did what everyone who lives for what the Joneses might think about them; they forced my parents to get married.

Between now and then there is a whole lot of dysfunction that extends to abuse, violence, and an ironic devotion to repeating the sins of the past, but I know that unless you consciously step out of a cycle, you’re doomed to blindly rinse and repeat it.

Putting myself back into the picture, I find I have a lot to be angry about. Not wholly against any of the players, though they all had choices to make, and I am acutely aware that most of them chose easy. Or worse—the let the cards fall where they will mentality—that allows you to remain a passive passenger in life, because you get to label this as being “destiny” or “fate”.

There’s not much I can do with my anger though, other than try to channel it into better things. But every now and again I find a good angry song to be a good way to release a bit of steam. Enter Everything’s Fine by Tracy Bonham which I’ve tweaked to fit my grievings since I went no contact with my own mother.

My lost Mother, how's the family?
I guess you did it for the dough
How's the weather? Why do I bother?
Am I lonely? Heavens know
Mother, mother, are you listening?
You want a line to appease your mind?
Life is perfect, never better
Distance helps the heart mend
When you sent me off to see the world
Were you scared that you might get hurt?
Would I try a little independence?
Would I keep on hiking up my disconcert?
I feel angry, I feel shitty
I’m losing my mind, EVERYTHING’S FINE
I'm wheezing, I'm self nursing
I'm bleeding to death, EVERYTHING’S FINE
I'm not functioning, struggling to be sunny
I'm starting to build toward the end
I can feel it, around the corner
Not sure I’ll make many more days
Mother, mother, why me?
Sure I'm kosher, sure I'm sane
Life is perfect, never better
Still not your daughter, that’s never changed
If I tell you what you want to hear
Will it help you to sleep well at night?
And you’ll tell me that I'm your perfect dear?
So you can cuddle up and sleep tight
I'm crummy, I'm dirty
I'm losing my mind, EVERYTHING’S FINE
I'm losing, and I'm bruising
I'm bleeding to death, EVERYTHING’S FINE
I don’t miss you, not sure you ever loved me
What you did cost me my only family
BUT EVERYTHING’S FINE, EVERYTHING’S FINE
NONE OF IT WAS EVER FINE.

#dysfunctional #Toxic #AbusiveRelationship #Relationships #FamilyAndFriends #Grief

5 reactions 1 comment
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He said, she said #Drama #anger #Toxic #Trauma

Im fine! It's fine! What do you do when you're no longer fine? For years I have kept quiet while letting the father of my kids disrespect me to the fullest. All the name calling an belittling me in front of our kids and me not having the courage to speak up for myself. I hit my boiling point these past few weeks. Every ounce of my being has been consumed with this raging anger I can't control. Panic kicks in an it's hard to bring myself back down. I can feel it in my face, I start trembling from the inside out. My heart knows I need to let go, but my mind is hurt, and wants you to hurt the way you've made me hurt.

3 reactions