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Relapse? #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Compulsiveovereating #BingeEatingDisorder

I’m 31 years old and I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder..

The past few weeks I’ve been playing my way around relapsing with binge eating. I have been completely irresponsible with my food intake, lazy all day and very selfish with my time.

My parents haven’t been home so I took advantage of that and I caused myself to fall into a depression phase. I don’t find a reason to do stuff anymore. I’m basically surviving and pretending to be okay. I’m sick of myself and all the stupid decisions I’ve made. My parents get back home tomorrow and I’m fucking scared that they’ll see right through my irresponsibilities.

I know what I need to do to get better, but I can’t find the willpower to take action.


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Dear Diary 📔

Today I was injuring myself on purpose- drinking decaf coffee even while my bariatric stomach hurt and hasn’t recovered from last Tuesdays binge with decaf. I honestly did it to injure myself, beat myself up deep down, while it was all disguised as a craving for feeling depressed about my uncle’s and grandpa’s passing away - bitch please! Food won’t numb the pain. It finally clicked - the obvious for some, but not for me with a sick mind in recovery - the physical pain in my stomach whenever I give it decaf or junk food or binge healthy foods is a cry for help from my body- I could die because of it. Like literally. So thank God I threw away the rest of the 20oz cup or decaf- and replaced it with my original healthy snack.

#BorderlineStigma #Compulsiveovereating #Recovery

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Today’s Goal - Abstinence

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, like the fact that I have BPD and am a food addict, compulsive overeater and restrictor. Courage to change the things I can, like living for today and loving my body truly in Your Eyes, and wisdom to know the difference. You know my faith is going through a fucking desert now, but you’ve saved me before and I know YOU can do it through me giving in to Your Will. Help me trust You do the 99% and the perseverance to act on the 1% that is in my hands - abstinence and responsibility.

PS. Damn you, junk food! You’ve only screwed me over before #Compulsiveovereating #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Sobriety #fridayfeelings


Nourishment for my soul #52SmallThings #EatingDisorders #AnorexiaNervosa #BulimiaNervosa #Compulsiveovereating #suicidalthoughtswarrior #MajorDepressiveDisorder #AbuseSurvivors #Recoveringalcoholic #PTSD

Well, this one hit home. I’m 47 and have relapsed in my eating disorders after losing my husband two years ago and had to move back in with my narcissistic mother who is a constant trigger. My meds are a mess and every single day I just don’t know if I can keep doing this but I have my 16 year old son, never really having grieved the loss of his dad, having to move in with his grandmother. She smokes almost three packs a day while sitting in the central room of the house and that adds a whole host of issues in itself. I need to nourish my soul because trying to nourish my body has failed. I’ve lost over 20 pounds in just a couple months; I’m back to feeling for bones and every hip or clavicle protruding is my only connection with myself, or the loss of myself. I tried other #52SmallThings and couldn’t find anything I liked about myself after just three days. I need this- if not for my soul then to try to regain a relationship with my son, who has watched this before, watched me waste away before, watched me on life support twice when I just couldn’t deal anymore, visited me in inpatient treatment facilities, residential facilities, years of therapy and no one understands that I’m right back at my childhood. I’ve thought numerous times that I was ready to call it a day and my closest friend has actually called me out on my behaviors, tried to break down the bullshit with my mother and still, here I am thinking about what I WONT be eating today.
So, like I said, this one hit home. Food, like any other addiction, has taken its toll on my body but the one difference is drug addicts have to seek out their drug but I need mine to stay alive, I love avoiding it but that’s the kicker- avoiding it is my problem. So I hope this small thing and the nourishment for my soul keeps me alive, because most everything else has worked to do the opposite.
Interestingly, this is my first post- I couldn’t get past the effing hashtag.
I am so grateful to The Mighty and everyone in its community for reading this and maybe it will open someone else’s eyes who will hopefully succeed before a lifetime of wake up calls gets you to 47 and you think, shit- did I really do this to myself? Do I REALLY HAVE TO DO THIS AGAIN?