suicide attempt survivors

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The Darkness and the Road to finding the Light

As Mental Health Awareness Month draws to a close, there is a lot I want to say, but the words and thoughts swirl. This isn’t a pity party, it is what I hope will show strength and dignity… but most of all acceptance to say “I can’t keep going this way”.

To look into the eyes of darkness and to realize what it was and to stand up and say “I need help” that and even now was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. The biggest part of this journey is saying “Suidcide is Selfish”, in a lot of cases, that is so 100% not true and comes from judgment towards someone who is sick. “What about my faith” some would ask, my faith is the only thing that kept me going in recovery. It was the same talks by Jeffrey R. Holland and Dieter F. Uchtdorf that kept me going.

What has the journey over the past year shown me…. I was given a deck of cards stacked against myself and my husband that we had no choice but to keep drawing losing hands.

I suffered a severe Traumatic Brain Injury on 12/31/2019 and by the time I was ready for all the help I needed to recover, the world shut down. No physical therapy, no speech therapy, and no occupational therapy. We met with my sports med doctor, but even to meet with a Neuro back Opthamologist… I had to wait. I waited until almost July to receive treatment and only then, did I receive Physical Therapy. It became my husband and I to figure out how to do other parts of my recovery without medical care. I eventually became the patient and the caregiver over time… gone was “NO, it is too soon for this” and it had come to me challenging myself to do things. Not having patience, grace, and empathy.. It was “You know you knew how to do this before so go do it” I would fail each and every time. I wouldn’t rest my body, I kept going and kept having setback after setback.

When we moved to Utah, I felt like I HAD to be better. I didn’t set up the help I needed and the masking of life began. strived to mask my injury, the subsequent lasting effects I was trying to get over, and the mental exhaustion. I went and did things I was 100% not ready for and when I couldn’t do it… I thought that everyone was passing judgment. I didn’t want to be the patient anymore

Social Media was no help, I had joined a few TBI survivor groups that also had caregiver members. Little did I know what I was reading was not someone in my position as a patient should ever read. Caregivers divorcing their spouses left and right because it became too much over the years. I feared 100% that I was going to lose my world and hurt everyone because I, the TBI patient, could not figure out life at all.

Last fall, I hit about the lowest point. I was about to learn the lesson I hated most “Time was my enemy and Time was my friend.” I sat in the dark about a year ago, with a bottle of pills. I felt so lost and I was angry. I didn’t know why…. But I was just angry at what I was. Existing to Fail. My only accomplishments were failure in my eyes. I had failed myself, my husband, our blended family, my family, my friends.

I did end up taking the pills and regretted it. I felt like I didn’t deserve this amazing gift of Life Heavenly Father gave me. I learned in the week after, I wasn’t alone. People showed up, we had a support network for myself, my husband, and our kids. I wanted to recover in dignity and we tried to have our kids outside of the darkness I was battling.

However, my entire life shut down again. No working, no household management, nothing… I was to sit and recover. It was as if it was early 2020 for me all over again. I started therapy immediately and until I could get in for my first session, #988 became a lifeline. I used every tool I could get my hands on to stay safe. Things changed rapidly and it wasn’t until Thanksgiving I was even able to cook again.

As I started to recover, I realized, while Covid took a lot from everyone, it took my recovery. I did not have the care I needed to be safe and to recover. We did the best we could and the strive to not fail was a perfection that I would never achieve.

1 year later, I am healthy. I realized I wasn’t selfish for wanting to end it all. I was in a place that felt extremely hopeless. One thing didn’t just put me there… It was time and a series of events that I didn’t have coping skills to handle.

People with TBI’s no longer have fully functional brains and no one injury is a like. The chemistry is altered and things like ADHD meds, Anti - Anxiety Medications, and Antidepressants are hard to figure out because your brain has some mis-fires.

Even beyond that, you can’t just go to someone who is depressed and say “Cheer up” and expect them to be like “OHHHH I hadn’t thought of that” Often depression is someone that you can’t find your way out of. Life compounds on it and you don’t have a healthy outlook. Some, like me, won’t ask for help. We feel as if we have become a burden

Often we hear after someone chooses to take their life “I never suspected they were in trouble” however, you look and start to see the signs that something wasn’t okay. Take those signs and be observant. Anger is often one of the signs someone isn’t okay, they are just angry at everything and it’s because they don’t know what is going on. Complacency is the scariest part, they are accepting that there isn’t help and now how are they going to fix it themselves.

It isn’t selfishness at all, it is being so far gone in a thick, dense, black fog, that light can’t reach. The person is normally scared, unsure what to do, and looking to stop the hurt. No one wants to be in pain.

A year later, I am 100% on a good path to continue to recover… I can say I remember a year ago, and I still have to remind myself to breathe because it scares me what I was in. I am safe now, but that place was the scariest unknown I have ever been in.

While everyone could have said “you need to do this”, it was ultimately up to me to do the work to get better. I had to look long and hard in the mirror and want to live for the person I was staring at. Looking back at pictures, there was no life in my eyes or my smile. I was faking every second. I now know I am worth something and I pray I never go back into the darkness. I have safeguards in place and I now know the path I was on, it wasn’t anything I could fix. I needed medical professionals to help me recover from something that took away my ability to walk and talk. My husband could not be a caregiver 24/7, we had kids to keep entertained in quarantine, he had to work, there were things… we just didn’t know the lack of medical care at the time would impact me so greatly years later. People can mask and act like it’s all good and be hurting so much on the inside…. And the biggest lifeline anyone in any relationship has… is communication.

#SuicideAttemptSurvivors #Suicide

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I'm here...

Hi, my name is IzzieBea83. I'm here because I'm dealing with some physical things, some mental things, some relationship things, some kinda scary somedays but managable other days things... and I'm hoping to explore potentially rebuilding a support system of sorts... this seems like a pretty likely place to start

#MightyTogether #Anxiety #Depression #Migraine #Fibromyalgia #ADHD #OCD  #Grief #LGBTQIA #PTSD #AgoraphobiaWithoutHistoryOfPanicDisorder #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #SjogrensSyndrome #SinusTachycardia

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Sweet Sinead

So sad that Sinead O'Connor died due to mental health issues. Some will call it 'committing' suicide, that she completed a selfish act, and who knows what else. Sinead died by suicide, her last moment in a tragic life filled with trauma, pain, devastation, grief, and instability. Let us not focus on her means of death, rather the mental health demons that ate away at her and caused her demise. Many of us deal with the same issues she did, and many are a tiny step away from her death. Listen when someone says they're not feeling right, give a call or text when a friend has been off the radar for a while. We can all help people who are suffering. Any words or actions you choose can help someone get past that moment of just not wanting to be here. Be patient, compassionate and caring. Be kind. ❤

#Abuse #Addiction #Anxiety #Bipolar2 #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar2Disorder #ChildhoodAbuse #CPTSD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Depression #EmotionalAbuse #Hypomania #MentalHealth #MightyPets #neglect #OurSideOfSuicide #PTSD #Relationships #SubstanceRelatedDisorders #SubstanceUseDisorders #Suicide #SuicidalIdeation #SuicideSurvivors #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #SuicideSurvivors #Suicidethoughts #Survivor #Trauma

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Once again I feel myself going down the rabbit hole but don’t want to bother anyone with it!!

I feeling the overwhelming urge to runaway and hide or just end it all so I don’t have to deal with the pain!! Since my last attempt in October my relationship with my BF has changed, my husband and daughter are scared all the time, and my brothers don’t talk to me much. My parents died within 3 months of each other!! #PTSD #MajorDepressiveDisorder #ADHD #ChronicObstructivePulmonaryDisease #SuicideSurvivor #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #SuicideSigns

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The Mighty Support Group

I finished up a support group rotation and wondered what I would begin doing with all of the emotions and thoughts I used to cover in group therapy. I was sure my previous support network couldn't handle these issues for me well. So, I found myself often returning to the Mighty in moments of emotional struggle.

Sometimes, I read and listen to others coping with illness, social stigma, or personal realizations; sometimes, I give my own struggles words and pictures to share. I have found that regardless of which I do, I can spend as much or as little time in our support group style interactions as I need on a given day.

I love that realization. The ending of a support group or sometimes the slow dwindling of attendance always bothered me. Just because I was healthier or stronger for now didn't mean I was "cured". I knew that I would need to give and receive on many issues again. So, finding the Mighty and recognizing it's value to me that is similar to a support group of others facing similar or sometimes very different issues has helped me tremendously.

Thanks My Mighty Support Group!! I needed you. I appreciate the help and advice and comfort and acceptance!!

#Depression #Anxiety #aspe #PTSD #CPTSD #Recovery #Parenting #COVID19 #SupportGroups #RapeSurvivors #SuicideLossSurvivor #SuicideAttemptSurvivors

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Take a moment to consider...

Practice being in the current moment.
Not over analyzing the past.
Not trying to predict your tomorrow’s.
Even if I can only make it through a minute or two being in the present moment each day, I find it a beautiful and curious thing. It’s like brief glimpses into the world as it truly is, not what the world becomes as I put it through my seemingly endless layers of perception.
My DBT therapist asked me to pay attention to where I reside in my thought life. I’m enjoying the challenge.
It’s an interesting mental exercise.
I stop many times throughout the day to identify where I am,
then practice engaging my senses to bring me back into the current moment. #CPTSDinrelationships #CPTSD #PTSD #DissociativeIdentityDisorder #ADHD #AdultADHD #ChronicIllness #Hope #MajorDepressiveDisorder #BipolarDisorder #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Anxiety #ObsessiveCompulsiveandRelatedDisorders #BrainPlasticity #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #LearningDisabilities #Insomnia


!!TW: Suicide Attempts!! Just a Question for Everyone...

Is anyone else seemingly very unsuccessful at killing themselves? Like, I either end up telling on my suicidal thoughts to someone I trust, or I do attempt but since I can't keep a secret, ever, about anything, again I end up telling someone I trust.

Or, a few times, my service dog walks in on me trying to kill myself, and I tell her to go away, because I don't want her to see me in the process of dying, as I know it would be very traumatizing for her. Then, she goes and persistently tries to get my mom's attention until my mom calls my name, and then I stop, as I don't want to get caught in the act (and so far, I never have).

When I'm "better", I want to live, mainly for my service dog. But when I'm "worse", I want nothing more than to finally end my years worth of pain and suffering.

On another note, I'm afraid I might relapse back into suicidal thoughts again, despite just having gotten out of the psych ward yesterday, because I've been seeing things (people) that are not there again. I know if I go back to the psych ward again soon, however, they will want to keep me there for a long time. #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #MentalHealth #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #SchizoaffectiveDisorder #PTSD

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Today’s my daughter’s birthday and I’m home alone sobbing #CheckInWithMe

This is me at my baby shower on March 12, 1988 when I was 17 1/2 yo. My daughter was originally due April 7th but after a 13 1/2 hour labor, was born on a sunny but snowy day, March 19th at 10:04am. Every year on her birthday, I go through this baby book and look at all of her pictures from when she was growing up. Today she’s 33 yo and hasn’t really spoken to me for the last ten years. I honestly don’t know why other than it may be because of my mental health issues. I have #CPTSD #PTSD #SexualAbuseSurvivors and #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder because I’m a #SuicideAttemptSurvivors .

I started off my day with sending her a Facebook message wishing her a happy birthday and letting her know we could do anything she wanted for her birthday. She’s left the message unread. I don’t want to post anything about it on Facebook in fear of her blocking me again. (She really only lifted the block just so she could ask me for money.) I tried to just get on with my day by keeping myself busy, but one thought of her slipped in and I was a wreck.

Therapists have told me to let her go and to live my own life, but I feel like my soul is connected to her and her well being. She knows that she saved me from a young age, but I think she also knows I tried leaving this life, and her, a few times. I know that’s too much pressure for anyone but it’s so incredibly hard for me to create a life without her in it. Such a big part of me feels as though that’s no life to live.


The guilt

After a very emotional conversation with my father on Friday night, I attempted suicide by over dosing on my meds. My boyfriend and his family found me and I woke up in hospital and spent 4 days in the psychiatric ward. Please can I get some advice about how to overcome my guilt for putting my family and friends through this.
#Borderline Bipolar depression