suicide attempt survivors

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Aftermath part 2: Do the good days last?

Today was a good day; then a crisis walked through our doors an I held it together long enough to get them help just to fall apart again. Thankful for understanding coworkers and boss who are so supportive while I face this uphill battle. #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #Suicide

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Aftermath of Suicide #Grief #Suicide #SuicideAttemptSurvivors

Today is a rough day. I’ve been trying to be okay but know I’m not okay. I have a village behind me full of support and still feel alone. The loss of my best friend to suicide has brought so many things up. An trying to get through them and trying to understand again.

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As It Was #SuicidalThoughts #Suicide #CheckInWithMe #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #MentalHealth #Depression #numbness

I almost ended my life about a half hour ago. But I failed because I was too exhausted. I’m coming back around now, but I still somewhat wish I wasn’t alive. Nobody knows about this, and I’m not going to tell anyone, because if nobody has ever cared enough to ask if I’m ok, they must not care enough to help me. People with mental health struggles just try to tell me they’ve felt the same way I have, or just brush it off because they’ve normalized pain, and people with relatively good lives just freak out and want to stay away from me. "How are you" is usually an empty question, even from my friends. I’m more than done with pain, and done feeling nothing. My suffering may come to an end eventually, but it’ll be far too late by then…

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Coming out of an episode

#Schizophrenia #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #PTSD

I wanted to reach out to everyone who has ever been lost in the relentless, insulting voices and compelled behaviours of a schizophrenic episode. I want to describe how the episode looks to me when I come out of it. The two realities are so different. In 2015 I had an episode that lasted weeks in which I was convinced that a murderer was stalking me. There were around 8 people I thought were in the gang which I thought was chasing me: the Indian council worker, the silver-haired man on Chatham Station, the man walking behind me on the way home from the shops, the woman cleaning the windows of a recently vacated shop on Union Rd, the wrong number phone call in Point Lonsdale, the man at Auckland airport, the man seated behind me on the Devonport ferry and the toothless man at Geelong Station. All of these were harmless, even helpful strangers, but I was very distant, taking defensive photos of them, avoiding them. It was so real to me and the voices made the most of my fear, all the way. This morning I thought of all those people and mentally apologised to them. Some of them helped me, their genuine response to my behaviour acted as a reality check, but then I would go back into the episode as the merciless voices hijacked the entirety of my lower mental level yet again. I feel so grateful today that I am doing better, the voices are fading. I really want to put out to you that it can get better and rest all you need to and communicate if the medication isn't helping. I hope it gets better for you.

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Good afternoon;

How are you today? Such a simple question that weights heavily on all of our minds.

You don’t have to be alone, reach out and please share our group and invite others you feel can benefit and help us too; let’s grow our society of Empathetic Realism together #MmightytogentalHealth #Selfcheck #Anxiety #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #PTSD #OCD #SchizoaffectiveDisorder #ChildLoss #Grief #SuicideAttemptSurvivors

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Today, my sudden attempt of suicide was surprising. I feel like for that time, i had lost my mind. It happened so suddenly that i am myself is shocked. This would be my fifth attempts of suicide. I was feeling bad past these days. My depression got worse. But even yesterday night,i was kinda doing okay. But suddenly today's morning, it became the worst than ever. All of a sudden, i was feeling so bad that i wasn’t able to take the pain. I was unable to cry which made it more painful. That feeling i can't even express. Then,this suicide thought came to my mind. Probably, if i do that,it would be okay.. I feel my mind wasn’t working and i was at loss. Something led me to do this. I was on my terrace and i suddenly tried to jump. Yeah, i literally did. But,Somehow i couldn’t. Then, my mind went to my medicines. I came back to my room and took my medicines. I wanted to swallow all my medicines. I was gonna do that. But, when i Couldn't do that, i got angry and threw my medicines. Somehow,my mother got to know about all this and she came to me. She then took my medicines away and she was trying her best to stop me. I was losing my mind. If she wasn’t there,i don’t know what would've i done.. I mean i was having frustration why i can't do this. Why i can't my take my medicines.. She was there with me.. I was having irritation.. Then,after all that, i tried to sleep.. Now, i am awake and i don’t know what to say.. It’s getting out of my control. I have my psychiatrist's appointment in the next month. So, i can't even contract him. It’s getting worse.. And i really don’t know what to do.. #Depression #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Suicide #SuicideAttemptSurvivors

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You're gonna wanna be here for this

If y'all have seen any of my posts, you know some of my ups and downs. I know I haven't been as active, but that's because I've had a LOT of mental legwork to do. Ain't nothing wrong with taking care of your needs! So, I did 😊

Made a post on facebook this morning and thought maybe it might #help someone out there. Either way, posting this to look back on for myself isn't a bad thing either. With that being said, here is my post (also take note of the picture of me from 5 years ago to today. Just the difference in the smile is wild to me 💜:

BLANKET #triggerwarning :

I'm going to share a LOT in one post (especially for so very early 😅). It's going to get deep and it's going to get a bit long winded, but please stick with me and feel free to share. I'm making this public in hopes it might help someone, anyone, even if it's just my future self to remember. I'm also a pretty open book so feel free to ask questions of you'd like 💜 fr let's talk about it!

The "me" in the top photo is NOT the me I am today. Even looking at, to me at least, the difference is striking. If only I could have known just how far I'd be, just mentally, that I'd be, just to let me know I'd be more okay than I could have EVER hoped to be just 5 years later. At the time, 5 years would have felt like forever to the me who couldn't see past moment by moment.

To the me then:

Oh, how I wish I could have assured me that I'd one day have an ounce of love for myself. How the situations I was in wouldn't last forever and that sooner than later, I'd actually be happy with the life within me. That one day, the heavy cloud over my head would dissipate. That one day, all the "faking it till I make it" wouldn't have to be faked anymore. All of the med changes, mental hospital stays, moving, losing my tangible things, losing sight of myself, would one day bring me to actual peace, happiness, protection of my peace, understanding of self. I'd tell me then just how proud of me I am for doing anything and everything to be honest with my support system the best i could so that I could make it another minute, hour, day, because all of the just "surviving" the moment to moment would lead me to today. That, no matter how you quantify or measure the distance of a single step forward, that moving forward is still progress. I'd let me know that one day, I'd look at myself more kindness and love than I ever have and that one day I'd learn just ow valuable my peace is and how one day I'd actually take steps to protect it and that boundaries aren't as scary as I thought they once were.

Oh, little me, how I'd love to let you know so much. There's so much I wish I didn't go through, if for no other reason than because now I know that I made a lot of lessons a lot harder than they had to be. That one day I'd be writing a post about me with the kindness, understanding, and compassion that I've spent so long giving to others.

I think I would have laughed. I wouldn't have believed it. Even if I could have stood in front of myself like a mirror reflection come to life, the me who couldn't see a future, who thought I wouldn't be alive to have any of what I have now (mentally, physically or otherwise), wouldn't know what to do with the information I have today.

And that's okay.

Oh little me, I'm so proud that we lived to see another day. This day. Because it's all we ever wanted and hoped we could get to.

Bad days will come. Ups and downs happen, I know. However, may the me I am today never forget the me I was, lest I lose the raw appreciation for just how far I've came.

FOR ANYONE WHO MADE IT THIS FAR IN MY POST: please know, as long as there is breath within you. As long as you're here to see tomorrow, there's always hope for an even better day after. In spite of the hiccups, the unfortunate, the unforseen and unplanned, there is always room for a better tomorrow....but ya gotta be here for it to see it 💜 PLEASE NEVER BE AFRAID TO BE HONEST WITH YOUR SUPPORT SYSTEM!!!!! THIS INCLUDES YOUR DR/THERAPIST/COUNSELOR!!! I used to be terrified to until I realized that you can not be involuntary committed unless you are actively planning to hurt yourself or someone else! Please, don't be so afraid that you don't get the help you know you may need.

-2x in a mental hospital voluntary committed
-years of therapy
-years of med changes till where I think we finally got it the closest to right I've EVER been
-dv/sa survivor
-"sewer slider" attempt/and ideation survivor

There is hope
Ya just have to be here to see all the hard leg work you've done, even if it does take years.

Remember, a painting up close seems chaotic. Every brush stroke looks imperfect and messy, but a step or so back, when you're actually able to look at the bigger picture more and more, I promise it's so beautiful and so very worth it. 💜

You're gonna wanna be here for this 💜

IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW NEEDS HELP OR IS IN CRISIS:

The previous 988 Lifeline phone number (1-800-273-8255) will always remain available to people in emotional distress or crisis.

The 988 Lifeline’s network of over 200 crisis centers has been in operation since 2005 and has been proven to be effective. Trained crisis counselors listen, provide support, and connect callers to resources when appropriate.

Callers who follow the “press 1” prompt are connected to the Veterans Crisis Line. A Spanish Language line is available by pressing 2, and more than 240 languages are supported through a Tele-Interpreters service. Callers now also have the option of following a “press 3” prompt to be connected to a crisiS counselor specifically trained in supporting LGBTQI+ callers.

FOR MORE INFORMATION: The Lifeline and 988

#MentalHealth #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #PTSD #Anxiety #Depression #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #Selfharm #Addiction #Loneliness

The Lifeline and 988

988 has been designated as the new three-digit dialing code that will route callers to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. While some areas may be currently able to connect to the Lifeline by…
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(Trigger warning) Anthem for overcoming suicidal thoughts

youtu.be/YvU4wdY1SVk

This is a song called "Stronger than my storm", by Citizen Soldier. It's so incredibly empowering if you've ever had suicidal thoughts or even a suicide attempt. I cried the first time watching it, because it's so real and true to what I am and was going through.
I hope posting youtube links is okay.

This band is a life saver ♥️

#MentalHealth #SuicidalThoughts #Suicide #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #PTSD

(edited)

Citizen Soldier - Stronger Than My Storm (Official Lyric Video)

Living with demons doesn’t make you weak, it proves your strength over them.Please SHARE this with someone that needs to hear it.SHOP for merch: https://citi...
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Establish your internal happy place

One of the greatest coping skills I learned has been the foundation of my internal happy place. I’m not just talking about pictureing a place in your minds eye. It’s a place that took me several years to build. The foundational peice was actually visiting a place that had a profound positive impact on me. For me it was what you see in this picture in my ancestral home of Scotland. What you see is an overlook of Lockness. It was a rainy yet very comfortable day. I found myself mesmerized by the scenery. It has been since 2016 since I was there. We all are aware none of us has the luxury of always being able to walk away from a situation that’s having a negative impact. None of us have the luxury to just drop what we are doing and travel to a geographical location to help find peace every time life gets tough. I had to build this place in my consciousness. I can go there anytime I want. Getting there is not always easy, I will admit that. When you are in the heat of a certain moment it’s hard to go there. When you body is sitting in a pool of negative energy whether you are surrounded by negative people, places, things this has helped me establish a positive place inside of me that I can retreat to and heal, especially when actually physically removing your physical self from a situation or crowd. I would recommend practicing meditation and using that time to build this place for yourself. When I close my eyes and can actually go there. I can feel my stress and anxiety or even despair disappearing. I have spent too much looking for happiness and peace outwardly, but when I started looking inward. Things started changing, drastically and for the better. Looking outward I always felt like a prisoner lost in the dark hopelessly looking for answers. I hope this helps someone. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #MajorDepressiveDisorder #PTSD #SuicideAttemptSurvivors

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Scared and frustrated.

At this very moment I feel like I have been cursed by a power I cannot see or understand. For the past 20 years my biggest health struggles we’re strictly mental health. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #PTSD #MajorDepressiveDisorder #SuicideAttemptSurvivors
After years of turmoil and a lot of self work I had finally conquered these mental health issues that had been dominating my life. I was able to come off all my medication last summer. I had never been so happy and healthy. I was just getting use to the new sensation of emotional stability in my life. Now my physical health has been struck down and is declining at a rate that is hard for me to fathom. 2 days ago I was diagnosed with Lyme Disease. Today according to my blood work my body is also being ravaged by the Epstein-Barr virus. Doctors also suspected I have a underlying autoimmune disease. My body feels like it is completely eroding away. Joints are getting worse daily. Physical pain and discomfort getting worse daily. Neurological symptoms continue to persist and get worse at certain moments. MRA imagining of my head for potential blood clotting came back normal. CT scan of head was normal. The medical care here in the southern tip of South Carolina has been abysmal. No infectious disease specialists in my area. Soonest a neurologist can see me is August. Tomorrow I will be hopefully flying back to Chicago area for better care. Blood work for the Lyme Disease has been back and forth. I tested positive now negative. The dismissal from both the doctors and my family has made it very difficult to stay calm. Very difficult. With the way things are progressing. I do not know how much longer I will last. I also don’t know how much longer I can endure this level of pain and discomfort. I would rather pass more kidney stones than this. I would rather get hit by a car again than this hell I have descended into. I’m not depressed or sad. I can’t help but feel the system is trying to euthanize me. #LymeDisease #ChronicEpsteinBarrVirus

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