suicide attempt survivors

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My Story with God #PTSD #Christian #SuicideAttemptSurvivors

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” The first four years of my life I grew up in a home with a father addicted to drugs and alcohol; he would steal the little money my Mom made to fuel his addictions. He eventually became homeless and one night managed to break into our little apartment and physically and emotionally harmed us. So, he went to jail, and my Mom managed to get a divorce from him. My little girl heart broke when I first visited my father in jail. No one told me I was in jail but because of all the Mexican soap operas I had seen, I knew I was visiting a jail. No one ever asked me how I was feeling or acknowledged my pain. Sometime later, my Mother -a single-mother- met a man who moved in with us. I loved and admired him simply for being my "step-father," but as I grew up he began to groom me. I quickly learned that he had deep evil intentions when I noticed he was quick to seek revenge from individuals who "did him wrong." With that information, my eleven year old self decided to remain silent and to undergo all the suffering he put me through in order to protect my beloved family members, near and far. At thirteen, they split for a while and my grades suffered terribly. I went from an A/B student to a D/F student. I truly hated my life and would cry myself to sleep every.single. night. I would talk to God while crying and tell him that although my biological Father had abandoned me and my stepfather had betrayed me at least I had God, my true father. The Lord answers prayers. That same year was my first suicide attempt. I told no one. The only reason why I didn't go through it was because God sent an immense surge of hope through my body as I contemplated the beautiful sun's rays in my uncle's yard. God has never been silent in my life. Fast forward, my Mom and this Man decide to restart their relationship again. Three more years of living with that man until he finally left. "What a relief," I thought, " I can forget about the past and start over." So, I forgot about the dark past and just went through life. I was completely unaware of the unforgiveness, anger, pain, and hate that had brewed inside my heart, especially against men. Whether I was aware of it or not, these wounds dictated my world view and behavior. I had so much anxiety trusting that God truly loved me and had a beautiful plan for my life. In high school, these traumas opened me up to disordered behaviors, which thanks be to God I didn't follow through with those behaviors. My healing began at a Catholic Charismatic retreat in Norwalk, California. Through the weekly formation meetings, I learned the truths of my faith and those truths helped me get through college: "YOUR FATHER IS THE KING AND YOU ARE HIS PRINCESS." The St. John of God Spanish community taught me how to read my bible, lectio divina, the commandments, basically, they formed me and it set my heart on fire. Fast forward again, I am starting my career, frequenting the sacraments, and begin to experience unreasonable anxiety to the point that I don't want to leave home. The Lord has a plan. I spoke to my confessor and he suggested I see catholic therapy services. I was adamant. Why do I need to see a therapist? I AM FINE! (LOL). Well, five years of good therapy and spiritual direction flew by fast. I became more myself, more active in my community, grew my social circle, I found myself! God has a plan. I am still being healed. Not where I was before, but definitely more who God made me to be at this point. Enough of my story for now.

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Why Kick Them When They Are Down?

I’m a survivor of suicide; both as a sibling and personally myself.

In September 2021, my youngest brother took his own life. It devastated our entire family; it devastated me. He was my buddy. I was the oldest of five, he was the youngest. We spent so much time together growing up, that he called me mom quite a bit. Being as we are ten years apart, I naturally assumed the motherly position and made sure all four of my younger siblings were well taken care of and safe while in my care. Helping my mom with babysitting made me realize all I wanted to be in life was a mom. I have been enormously blessed with four beautiful children of my own. At 41 years of age, I have so much to look back on and be proud of.

Unfortunately, the night of October 29, 2023 was not one of those proud moments.

After two years of grief and financial hardship, a failing relationship, and a bout with alcoholism, I decided that I would be better off gone. I had convinced my sick brain that I didn’t matter at all; that my kids deserved better, that I couldn’t take care of them financially by myself, and my family had written me off because of my alcoholism.

None of this was truth, and somehow I felt it to be truth. Because of my brush with an attempt on my life, I was hospitalized for my mental health, and received a diagnosis of bipolar 1.

The night of October 29, I almost succeeded in what I set out to do. I am lucky to be here, truly. I was informed that had 911 been called 20-30 minutes later, I wouldn’t have been able to survive as my organs were already shutting down on me.

I am a firm believer in angels and guardians who watch over us, and I know my brother was there with me that night and is the reason why I’m still earth side right now. It wasn’t my time, and clearly I had a lesson to learn. I am thankful to be alive and able to raise my children; they couldn’t have ever been able to understand why I left them like that. I haven’t been able to talk to them yet about what happened. They just knew I was in the hospital.

I found out from my oldest (adult) daughter, who was aware of the situation, that her stepmother let her four children, one of whom is ten years old, know why I was hospitalized. This angered me to no end. I’m not entirely sure why MY very personal experience was shared with children, much less children that I have nothing personally to do with. It’s nobody’s place to share such sensitive, personal, and painful information with anyone, ever.

When IM ready to share, I will, just like I’m doing right now. I’m okay sharing it with you beautiful and amazingly understanding fellow Mighty members.

How would you feel if this were a situation you were in? The damage has already been done, so informing my ex husband’s new wife how upset it makes me, how unsafe she’s made me feel, and how consent is a powerful thing she preaches about and just stole from me, is not okay.

Don’t kick us while we are down. We hurt enough on our own. We feel the guilt from our actions, and we will spend a lifetime always remembering that guilt and trying to overcompensate for it.

We don’t need nosy Nelly in the corner whispering about us like a high school drama queen. Period.

#Bipolar1 #Selfharm #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #wedorecover

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Little Moments Like This

I received a notice from SOOP that poetry book we entitled CPS: Crimes, Corruption & Chaos was chosen within thr selected 20 to win editorial assistance with their project

You need a min of 5o votes to win. So I am asking my family of #writer #poets #Depression #Anxiety #MentalHealth #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #Love #Loneliness #PTSD #justice #freedom The book encompass so many feelings and brings forth the reality of lived life, survivor of abuse, DV. Injustices by the state that have not been investigated. Reading poetry will bring forth creativity, a zest for productivity and an appreciation for seeing someone rise from being broken, beaten, bruised and Blessed

(Excerpt from my upcoming book CPS: Crimes. Corruption & Chaos)

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They saved my life

To some people these are just animals. To me they are my babies, the one love tha never judges just accepts you & the amount of times I owe them my life. When attempts have happened they have helped to make me realise things

The Merle pup I’m proud of has just been accepted into an assistance dog program so I very excited it will cha be my life give me more confidence and ability to go out

I’m so proud of my dogs , every day I try now to make myself worthy of being part of their lives
#Dogs #mybabies #theysavedmylife #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Depression #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #Selfharm #Love #myalways #Fibromyalgia #RaynaudsPhenomenon #dropattacks #badmobility #Diabetes #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Psychosis #SelfharmRecovery #Selfcare #happy #mypack #smile

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Migraines, Life-Long (Suicidal) Depression, A Real Desire to be with my Lord and Saviour, More Debt than I can afford

Living with Life-Long Suicidal Depression since at least 4-years-old (mid 1970s); and Migraine Headaches that have been regular (at least 1 to 2 times a week [more weeks now are turning in to at least 2 days] since the mid 1990s) and many other health problems that are on and off weekly or monthly; Extra Debt that I was pressed in to; which can cause me to lose the house, SSDI so it is hard to earn extra money to get out of Debt; and with Life-Long Suicidal Depression, in addition to the Major Pains, I really have been desiring more to be able to go Home to be with my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.

I would greatly appreciate any feed back.

#MentalHealth #Migraines #Depresion #SuicidalIdeation #Debt #PostTraumaticStressDisorder #BPD #Bipolar1 #BorderlinePersonalityDisorderBPD #BipolarDepression #BipolarIDisorder #BipolarDisorder #BipolarI #BipolarType1 #CheerMeOn #Bipolar1Disorder #BipolarDisorders #MigraineHeadaches #AutismSpectrumDisorder #AutismSpectrum #Autistic #SeparationAnxietyDisorder #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #IllnessAnxietyDisorder #SeparationAnxiety #AnxietyAttack #AdrenalInsufficiency #AnkylosingSpondylitis #ChronicFatigueSyndrome #DistractMe #Selfharm #PanicDisorder #PanicAttack #PanicAttacks #worry #highfunctioningautism #AttentionDeficitHyperactivityDisorder #DiabetesType2 #DiabetesII #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #IfYouFeelHopeless #suicidal

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Hold on by the Alabama Shakes is the Themesong

“Bless my heart and Bless my Soul, didn’t think I’d make it to 29 years old.” Today is my birthday and I didn’t think I’d be celebrating in anyway. I actually feel lucky to have survived all the things I have. Weirdly I had this revelation? Realization? Contemplation? That I am not the sum of my parts: I am whole. not the substances I use or don’t use, the scars or lack of scars, the limp or the strong knees, the people who do or don’t hurt me, I’m not my pain or my joy. Just a whole in and of myself.
#PTSD #Grief #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #MentalHealth #Depression #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder

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Hello There! (I'm new 2.0)

I'm a 32 year old married woman and I have two cats. I have many health conditions that overlap symptoms that range from quirky to debilitating. #AutismSpectrumDisorder #AuditoryProcessingDisorder #MajorDepressiveDisorder #ADHD #Hypothyroidism #PremenstrualDysphoricDisorder #PTSD #Abuse #Miscarriage #Grief #EhlersDanlosSyndrome #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder
I believe in functional medicine and treat my conditions/symptoms with a combination of herbal teas, natural supplements, prescription medications, spiritual and mental health practices. I'm currently seeking an EDS diagnosis and having trouble finding resources. I want to avoid Florida if I can, but so far it seems like my only option 😑 I'm so happy to talk with people who know what it's like to survive many things and still try to live.

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Reasons to Avoid Being 'Too Good to Be True'

1. People will take you for granted:

People expect you to be there for them, but they don't want you as a wellwisher, sometimes some people use you beyond the limits.

2. You'll miss out on excellent opportunities:

If you're being available for someone by saying "Yes" if you could've said "No" there are chances that you could've spent time on yourself. Chances are you might've accomplished a milestone instead of over-helping someone whose intention is to simply ruin your energy or anything.

3. You'll have a sense of burned-out:

Anyone who uses you may give you tasks that you take a lot of effort to do usually. And, people won't entirely value your efforts. So this eventually kills your comfort line and slowly gives you a sense of burnout.

4. People will diminish the respect they have for you:

Anything available in an extensive amount is taken for granted and less valued. For example, if you go to Gulf countries they take oil for granted for the level of feasibility. But they consider water as a precious gem, while the vice versa happens with the other countries, likewise with people. So, being more available will diminish the respect people have for you.

When you're living this life you'll always crave better attention, respect, care, and love from everyone. But, in reality, just think if all the people that you've helped will visit your grave when you die. If the answer is a " yes" then help them, but have limits. You alone matter more than other people's opinions and care.

#Depression #Trauma #PeoplePleaser #regret #Sadness #selfcare #MentalHealth #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #Suicide #hurt

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Siesta!!!! #MajorDepressiveDisorder #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #SuicidalThoughts #PTSD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Depression

Good news!!!

After 21 months of weekly to fortnightly psychology treatments, my symptoms are taking a siesta. They have haunted me for over 40 years, making them a constant part of my personality.

Why do I say siesta instead of cured, gone, healed, vanished etc etc?

A siesta (from Spanish, pronounced [sjesta] and meaning "nap").

They are taking a nap not gone. I know this because they never fully leave. I have had brief glimpses of peace in the past. One day, maybe two of peace then the mind finds them again and plays the broken tapes in the middle of my thoughts and dreams.

However, at the moment, it has been two weeks of peace. I feel that is worth a celebration 😁

See you all on the other side of the siesta 👍😊

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The Darkness and the Road to finding the Light

As Mental Health Awareness Month draws to a close, there is a lot I want to say, but the words and thoughts swirl. This isn’t a pity party, it is what I hope will show strength and dignity… but most of all acceptance to say “I can’t keep going this way”.

To look into the eyes of darkness and to realize what it was and to stand up and say “I need help” that and even now was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. The biggest part of this journey is saying “Suidcide is Selfish”, in a lot of cases, that is so 100% not true and comes from judgment towards someone who is sick. “What about my faith” some would ask, my faith is the only thing that kept me going in recovery. It was the same talks by Jeffrey R. Holland and Dieter F. Uchtdorf that kept me going.

What has the journey over the past year shown me…. I was given a deck of cards stacked against myself and my husband that we had no choice but to keep drawing losing hands.

I suffered a severe Traumatic Brain Injury on 12/31/2019 and by the time I was ready for all the help I needed to recover, the world shut down. No physical therapy, no speech therapy, and no occupational therapy. We met with my sports med doctor, but even to meet with a Neuro back Opthamologist… I had to wait. I waited until almost July to receive treatment and only then, did I receive Physical Therapy. It became my husband and I to figure out how to do other parts of my recovery without medical care. I eventually became the patient and the caregiver over time… gone was “NO, it is too soon for this” and it had come to me challenging myself to do things. Not having patience, grace, and empathy.. It was “You know you knew how to do this before so go do it” I would fail each and every time. I wouldn’t rest my body, I kept going and kept having setback after setback.

When we moved to Utah, I felt like I HAD to be better. I didn’t set up the help I needed and the masking of life began. strived to mask my injury, the subsequent lasting effects I was trying to get over, and the mental exhaustion. I went and did things I was 100% not ready for and when I couldn’t do it… I thought that everyone was passing judgment. I didn’t want to be the patient anymore

Social Media was no help, I had joined a few TBI survivor groups that also had caregiver members. Little did I know what I was reading was not someone in my position as a patient should ever read. Caregivers divorcing their spouses left and right because it became too much over the years. I feared 100% that I was going to lose my world and hurt everyone because I, the TBI patient, could not figure out life at all.

Last fall, I hit about the lowest point. I was about to learn the lesson I hated most “Time was my enemy and Time was my friend.” I sat in the dark about a year ago, with a bottle of pills. I felt so lost and I was angry. I didn’t know why…. But I was just angry at what I was. Existing to Fail. My only accomplishments were failure in my eyes. I had failed myself, my husband, our blended family, my family, my friends.

I did end up taking the pills and regretted it. I felt like I didn’t deserve this amazing gift of Life Heavenly Father gave me. I learned in the week after, I wasn’t alone. People showed up, we had a support network for myself, my husband, and our kids. I wanted to recover in dignity and we tried to have our kids outside of the darkness I was battling.

However, my entire life shut down again. No working, no household management, nothing… I was to sit and recover. It was as if it was early 2020 for me all over again. I started therapy immediately and until I could get in for my first session, #988 became a lifeline. I used every tool I could get my hands on to stay safe. Things changed rapidly and it wasn’t until Thanksgiving I was even able to cook again.

As I started to recover, I realized, while Covid took a lot from everyone, it took my recovery. I did not have the care I needed to be safe and to recover. We did the best we could and the strive to not fail was a perfection that I would never achieve.

1 year later, I am healthy. I realized I wasn’t selfish for wanting to end it all. I was in a place that felt extremely hopeless. One thing didn’t just put me there… It was time and a series of events that I didn’t have coping skills to handle.

People with TBI’s no longer have fully functional brains and no one injury is a like. The chemistry is altered and things like ADHD meds, Anti - Anxiety Medications, and Antidepressants are hard to figure out because your brain has some mis-fires.

Even beyond that, you can’t just go to someone who is depressed and say “Cheer up” and expect them to be like “OHHHH I hadn’t thought of that” Often depression is someone that you can’t find your way out of. Life compounds on it and you don’t have a healthy outlook. Some, like me, won’t ask for help. We feel as if we have become a burden

Often we hear after someone chooses to take their life “I never suspected they were in trouble” however, you look and start to see the signs that something wasn’t okay. Take those signs and be observant. Anger is often one of the signs someone isn’t okay, they are just angry at everything and it’s because they don’t know what is going on. Complacency is the scariest part, they are accepting that there isn’t help and now how are they going to fix it themselves.

It isn’t selfishness at all, it is being so far gone in a thick, dense, black fog, that light can’t reach. The person is normally scared, unsure what to do, and looking to stop the hurt. No one wants to be in pain.

A year later, I am 100% on a good path to continue to recover… I can say I remember a year ago, and I still have to remind myself to breathe because it scares me what I was in. I am safe now, but that place was the scariest unknown I have ever been in.

While everyone could have said “you need to do this”, it was ultimately up to me to do the work to get better. I had to look long and hard in the mirror and want to live for the person I was staring at. Looking back at pictures, there was no life in my eyes or my smile. I was faking every second. I now know I am worth something and I pray I never go back into the darkness. I have safeguards in place and I now know the path I was on, it wasn’t anything I could fix. I needed medical professionals to help me recover from something that took away my ability to walk and talk. My husband could not be a caregiver 24/7, we had kids to keep entertained in quarantine, he had to work, there were things… we just didn’t know the lack of medical care at the time would impact me so greatly years later. People can mask and act like it’s all good and be hurting so much on the inside…. And the biggest lifeline anyone in any relationship has… is communication.

#SuicideAttemptSurvivors #Suicide

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