My Story with God #PTSD #Christian #SuicideAttemptSurvivors
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” The first four years of my life I grew up in a home with a father addicted to drugs and alcohol; he would steal the little money my Mom made to fuel his addictions. He eventually became homeless and one night managed to break into our little apartment and physically and emotionally harmed us. So, he went to jail, and my Mom managed to get a divorce from him. My little girl heart broke when I first visited my father in jail. No one told me I was in jail but because of all the Mexican soap operas I had seen, I knew I was visiting a jail. No one ever asked me how I was feeling or acknowledged my pain. Sometime later, my Mother -a single-mother- met a man who moved in with us. I loved and admired him simply for being my "step-father," but as I grew up he began to groom me. I quickly learned that he had deep evil intentions when I noticed he was quick to seek revenge from individuals who "did him wrong." With that information, my eleven year old self decided to remain silent and to undergo all the suffering he put me through in order to protect my beloved family members, near and far. At thirteen, they split for a while and my grades suffered terribly. I went from an A/B student to a D/F student. I truly hated my life and would cry myself to sleep every.single. night. I would talk to God while crying and tell him that although my biological Father had abandoned me and my stepfather had betrayed me at least I had God, my true father. The Lord answers prayers. That same year was my first suicide attempt. I told no one. The only reason why I didn't go through it was because God sent an immense surge of hope through my body as I contemplated the beautiful sun's rays in my uncle's yard. God has never been silent in my life. Fast forward, my Mom and this Man decide to restart their relationship again. Three more years of living with that man until he finally left. "What a relief," I thought, " I can forget about the past and start over." So, I forgot about the dark past and just went through life. I was completely unaware of the unforgiveness, anger, pain, and hate that had brewed inside my heart, especially against men. Whether I was aware of it or not, these wounds dictated my world view and behavior. I had so much anxiety trusting that God truly loved me and had a beautiful plan for my life. In high school, these traumas opened me up to disordered behaviors, which thanks be to God I didn't follow through with those behaviors. My healing began at a Catholic Charismatic retreat in Norwalk, California. Through the weekly formation meetings, I learned the truths of my faith and those truths helped me get through college: "YOUR FATHER IS THE KING AND YOU ARE HIS PRINCESS." The St. John of God Spanish community taught me how to read my bible, lectio divina, the commandments, basically, they formed me and it set my heart on fire. Fast forward again, I am starting my career, frequenting the sacraments, and begin to experience unreasonable anxiety to the point that I don't want to leave home. The Lord has a plan. I spoke to my confessor and he suggested I see catholic therapy services. I was adamant. Why do I need to see a therapist? I AM FINE! (LOL). Well, five years of good therapy and spiritual direction flew by fast. I became more myself, more active in my community, grew my social circle, I found myself! God has a plan. I am still being healed. Not where I was before, but definitely more who God made me to be at this point. Enough of my story for now.