suicide attempt survivors

youtu.be/YvU4wdY1SVk

This is a song called "Stronger than my storm", by Citizen Soldier. It's so incredibly empowering if you've ever had suicidal thoughts or even a suicide attempt. I cried the first time watching it, because it's so real and true to what I am and was going through.
I hope posting youtube links is okay.

This band is a life saver ♥️

#MentalHealth #SuicidalThoughts #Suicide #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #PTSD

At this very moment I feel like I have been cursed by a power I cannot see or understand. For the past 20 years my biggest health struggles we’re strictly mental health. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #PTSD #MajorDepressiveDisorder #SuicideAttemptSurvivors
After years of turmoil and a lot of self work I had finally conquered these mental health issues that had been dominating my life. I was able to come off all my medication last summer. I had never been so happy and healthy. I was just getting use to the new sensation of emotional stability in my life. Now my physical health has been struck down and is declining at a rate that is hard for me to fathom. 2 days ago I was diagnosed with Lyme Disease. Today according to my blood work my body is also being ravaged by the Epstein-Barr virus. Doctors also suspected I have a underlying autoimmune disease. My body feels like it is completely eroding away. Joints are getting worse daily. Physical pain and discomfort getting worse daily. Neurological symptoms continue to persist and get worse at certain moments. MRA imagining of my head for potential blood clotting came back normal. CT scan of head was normal. The medical care here in the southern tip of South Carolina has been abysmal. No infectious disease specialists in my area. Soonest a neurologist can see me is August. Tomorrow I will be hopefully flying back to Chicago area for better care. Blood work for the Lyme Disease has been back and forth. I tested positive now negative. The dismissal from both the doctors and my family has made it very difficult to stay calm. Very difficult. With the way things are progressing. I do not know how much longer I will last. I also don’t know how much longer I can endure this level of pain and discomfort. I would rather pass more kidney stones than this. I would rather get hit by a car again than this hell I have descended into. I’m not depressed or sad. I can’t help but feel the system is trying to euthanize me. #LymeDisease #ChronicEpsteinBarrVirus

It’s only been a couple of weeks since I attempted suicide. It’s still very surreal and I am processing a lot. I will say, I am hopeful for the first time ever. Actually hopeful. Looking forward to being a part of a safe community of people just like me. Because the fact is, we don’t talk about suicide, mental illness or personality disorders enough. Here’s to healing together ❤️#MentalHealth #SuicideAttemptSurvivors

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” The first four years of my life I grew up in a home with a father addicted to drugs and alcohol; he would steal the little money my Mom made to fuel his addictions. He eventually became homeless and one night managed to break into our little apartment and physically and emotionally harmed us. So, he went to jail, and my Mom managed to get a divorce from him. My little girl heart broke when I first visited my father in jail. No one told me I was in jail but because of all the Mexican soap operas I had seen, I knew I was visiting a jail. No one ever asked me how I was feeling or acknowledged my pain. Sometime later, my Mother -a single-mother- met a man who moved in with us. I loved and admired him simply for being my "step-father," but as I grew up he began to groom me. I quickly learned that he had deep evil intentions when I noticed he was quick to seek revenge from individuals who "did him wrong." With that information, my eleven year old self decided to remain silent and to undergo all the suffering he put me through in order to protect my beloved family members, near and far. At thirteen, they split for a while and my grades suffered terribly. I went from an A/B student to a D/F student. I truly hated my life and would cry myself to sleep every.single. night. I would talk to God while crying and tell him that although my biological Father had abandoned me and my stepfather had betrayed me at least I had God, my true father. The Lord answers prayers. That same year was my first suicide attempt. I told no one. The only reason why I didn't go through it was because God sent an immense surge of hope through my body as I contemplated the beautiful sun's rays in my uncle's yard. God has never been silent in my life. Fast forward, my Mom and this Man decide to restart their relationship again. Three more years of living with that man until he finally left. "What a relief," I thought, " I can forget about the past and start over." So, I forgot about the dark past and just went through life. I was completely unaware of the unforgiveness, anger, pain, and hate that had brewed inside my heart, especially against men. Whether I was aware of it or not, these wounds dictated my world view and behavior. I had so much anxiety trusting that God truly loved me and had a beautiful plan for my life. In high school, these traumas opened me up to disordered behaviors, which thanks be to God I didn't follow through with those behaviors. My healing began at a Catholic Charismatic retreat in Norwalk, California. Through the weekly formation meetings, I learned the truths of my faith and those truths helped me get through college: "YOUR FATHER IS THE KING AND YOU ARE HIS PRINCESS." The St. John of God Spanish community taught me how to read my bible, lectio divina, the commandments, basically, they formed me and it set my heart on fire. Fast forward again, I am starting my career, frequenting the sacraments, and begin to experience unreasonable anxiety to the point that I don't want to leave home. The Lord has a plan. I spoke to my confessor and he suggested I see catholic therapy services. I was adamant. Why do I need to see a therapist? I AM FINE! (LOL). Well, five years of good therapy and spiritual direction flew by fast. I became more myself, more active in my community, grew my social circle, I found myself! God has a plan. I am still being healed. Not where I was before, but definitely more who God made me to be at this point. Enough of my story for now.

I’m a survivor of suicide; both as a sibling and personally myself.

In September 2021, my youngest brother took his own life. It devastated our entire family; it devastated me. He was my buddy. I was the oldest of five, he was the youngest. We spent so much time together growing up, that he called me mom quite a bit. Being as we are ten years apart, I naturally assumed the motherly position and made sure all four of my younger siblings were well taken care of and safe while in my care. Helping my mom with babysitting made me realize all I wanted to be in life was a mom. I have been enormously blessed with four beautiful children of my own. At 41 years of age, I have so much to look back on and be proud of.

Unfortunately, the night of October 29, 2023 was not one of those proud moments.

After two years of grief and financial hardship, a failing relationship, and a bout with alcoholism, I decided that I would be better off gone. I had convinced my sick brain that I didn’t matter at all; that my kids deserved better, that I couldn’t take care of them financially by myself, and my family had written me off because of my alcoholism.

None of this was truth, and somehow I felt it to be truth. Because of my brush with an attempt on my life, I was hospitalized for my mental health, and received a diagnosis of bipolar 1.

The night of October 29, I almost succeeded in what I set out to do. I am lucky to be here, truly. I was informed that had 911 been called 20-30 minutes later, I wouldn’t have been able to survive as my organs were already shutting down on me.

I am a firm believer in angels and guardians who watch over us, and I know my brother was there with me that night and is the reason why I’m still earth side right now. It wasn’t my time, and clearly I had a lesson to learn. I am thankful to be alive and able to raise my children; they couldn’t have ever been able to understand why I left them like that. I haven’t been able to talk to them yet about what happened. They just knew I was in the hospital.

I found out from my oldest (adult) daughter, who was aware of the situation, that her stepmother let her four children, one of whom is ten years old, know why I was hospitalized. This angered me to no end. I’m not entirely sure why MY very personal experience was shared with children, much less children that I have nothing personally to do with. It’s nobody’s place to share such sensitive, personal, and painful information with anyone, ever.

When IM ready to share, I will, just like I’m doing right now. I’m okay sharing it with you beautiful and amazingly understanding fellow Mighty members.

How would you feel if this were a situation you were in? The damage has already been done, so informing my ex husband’s new wife how upset it makes me, how unsafe she’s made me feel, and how consent is a powerful thing she preaches about and just stole from me, is not okay.

Don’t kick us while we are down. We hurt enough on our own. We feel the guilt from our actions, and we will spend a lifetime always remembering that guilt and trying to overcompensate for it.

We don’t need nosy Nelly in the corner whispering about us like a high school drama queen. Period.

#Bipolar1 #Selfharm #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #wedorecover