retirement

Fast follow up to Saturday's "too long yet not full story".
Saturday was about https://my.worries that my lung cancer progressed and that I had symptoms of mets to the brain or a stroke (slurred speech and worries about balance).

The main anxiety this weekend was the need to apply for my retirement after stressful years at my workplace. I have to mke it through to at least April so that I can continue with my current coverage for my spouse and I after retirement. This is important for my cancer treatment obviously, assuming it is still successful. Also for my husband (he's retired.)

This assuming that my HR does not release me before April (remaining sick leave days and the fact that I am starting to slur my )speech
OR that I dont trust our state government benefits administration (CALPERS for those of you inCalifornia) nor my union to back me up.

I am assuming all will go through for my sanit...and expecting planning for the worst from experience.

And planning for my husband is important. I have been taking care of legal paperwork and contracts since we've been married since I found he relies on trust, optimism and his hopes to be what will happen in contracts and legal documents.

If it were just me, and I had my current doubts about my survival, I would quit and stopped my expensive treatment and daily meds and let the cancer take its course.

Im old, nothing is working out in life, and I rarely leave my house or see friends since 2021. The world is turning into an ugly place. I have books to read and maybe the remaining ability to go for a occasional ride in a car before i die. If i have insurance with my current HPO, I can get hospice care for the end.

I'm tired this weekend was not the rest I needed. Work tomorrow. Sorry for the pos, but I needed to say this.

Wasn't too sure how I'd feel, the day of my retirement (10/31/22). I thought I'd be an emotional wreck on video, with my coworkers. Nope, for once it didn't happen. Spent 1st full day Tues, doing nothing. My body & brain after 30 yrs needed to start healing. So here it is Friday--Slowly feeling good pain wise. Dealing with #'s for 30 years, takes a mental toll. All i can say is, I'm the happiest (i think. other than my wedding day) I've been in decades. I was never so happy to retire !! Now I can start on trying to be healthy. #Retirement #happy #freedom

I have recently retired (almost 2 months) and experiencing a sense of loss I was NOT expecting. I was a Foreman, leading a team of 13, which was a challenge as there were those that were recommended to my team by others because of my managerial style, and others that asked to be on my team, and still others that were just a joy to be with.

I was also instrumental in bringing the stigma of mental illness out into the open, and was recognized for it. I was also instrumental in getting a Peer Support group up and running, which is still struggling to get a foothold at this time. I was easily approachable and had a lending ear to anyone who needed it. I made it a point to do my part in making the office a much happier place to be. I shook hands daily, prior to COVID, hugged regularly, prior to COVID, and greeted everyone in my office area daily, this was so much out of the norm, I had trouble convincing myself at the start. I feel made a difference.

But I wore out.

I hated the business end of my job. THAT’S why I left. I hated dealing with budgets, and I hated dealing with the pressures of deadlines and expectations of our teams, and tired of balancing a group of misfits within my own team.

But I had plans in place leading up to the actual day. I wouldn’t starve…

I hated dealing with the micro managers whether it was at my level, or higher. It exhausted me to trying to influence others and showing them that kindness works. It really works. Or as I call it, being a good human being. EVEN in our world, as trades people. I would end team meetings with the phrase “Be Kind”, which I am sure was very different for most. It was difficult even to say…at first, but in soon became my mantra.

But, now, I have this deep feeling of “missing”. I miss the laughter, I miss my work friends, I miss my leadership towards ending the stigma, I miss making a difference. That’s the biggest thing, I wanted to leave a legacy, and I feel I did, but I wish I had the strength and courage to have done more. And I feel I let the people down who counted on me the most. I hope I am wrong, as I received lots of encouragement from many people, but I think a there was sense of loss for them too.

I read this and it sounds selfish, (a lot “I’s” embedded) but what I thought would be my reward, has turned into a feeling of debts unsettled. And loneliness.

Is this normal? I wonder about my next step.

#carers . I’ve recently become carer for my husband of 45 years. His health has declined steadily over about the last decade. He’s never been an easy man, impossibly high standards & very judging & critical. He is a decent person however & I care deeply for him, although I have a lot of unresolved resentment simmering away in my heart. So many times he’s hurt my feelings over the years, generally a blatant lack of consideration forr my happiness has always been the way I feel. Trouble is that now he’s done so much damage to himself & continues to, even tho he has managed to do irreparable damage to all of his major organs. He is so unwell now that it’s almost like caring for a 3 year old & he’s just as non compliant, refusing to try & help himself. I’m so over it, I’m not well myself & among other things don’t sleep, so constantly battling exhaustion. But still having to tend to his considerable needs. It’s becoming very difficult for me to cope & now I feel like an awful person for resenting it so much. Am I selfish for looking forward to an easier life after retirement & then everything changed, I feel like I’ve been robbed. #carers #Husbands #Retirement #shattereddreams