My faith and anxiety

#Christian # ##Faith #Depression #chronic illness dependance #Game addiction #Relationships #Marriage #selfishness # #Family #Death

I've always been able to relax and calmly meditate on scripture from time to time, but my pain and fatigue have become so overpowering that so many things I used to take joy in, I still know all the ways I did before and yet I can't stop being troubled and fearful. God's word to us offers encouragement to us, and tells us to not be anxious, and somehow knowing that doesn't help. I see what has been done for us, we were made with great love cell by cell, how come I believe this and know that all has been done for us is amazing and something to rejoice, that one day thanks to Jesus's sacrifice all who believed will be in eternity with him, free of suffering. why do I believe, yet still feel so detached and uphappy? I also know all about resisting the enemies of God because they will make it hard for you, and as a brave child of the king they would flee from me when I trust in my father. yet I'm still so fearful.
i don't want to give up my life here yet because I fear there are things I'm not doing right that I want to do first, I'm trying so hard to make a difference in eternity by reaching others, but my physical health leaves me so dependent and not feeling very dependable. and as much as I want to rejoice in the blessing of having others to depend on, I struggle with it feeling like a curse, because I'm just so helpless. I beg that I can feel for others rather than all this detachment, but I get so self consumed and it's just so difficult, I want to be content and living as God wills, acknowledging him in all my ways and trusting him. I'm missing my childlike faith, and I just feel so mixed up. I've started on counciling and am pursuing treatments but the progress is slow and there is some incompetence with the doctor's I have worked with that makes the process slower and more frustrating. I've become somewhat fearful of moving because of my pain levels, it's all a huge mess to untangle.