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    Lusting: sweet, sweet agony

    Hello~ I have hardly ever posted on here, but need extra support today. You see, I have been married 5 years (*gasp*) to the proverbial "nice guy". We met in church and he was the first guy I trusted after going through sexual trauma. He is 12 yrs younger and the longer I know him, the more aware I am of his immaturity. He is always-- I mean ALways on his phone. Our communication really sucks in addition to the fact his speech is delayed which he annoyingly is in denial of. I hope this isn't TMI, but we have only ever tried to have sex a couple times, and I am very much affected by this. He is somewhat effeminate and I have wondered if he is a closet homosexual. He would do ANYthing to help ANYbody, so that is why I said he is a good guy/nice guy. The thing is, I am more and more depressed and empty feeling as the days go by. We are separated now, but he hangs out at my place all the time. We moreso have a friendship than marriage, but that is SO not what I signed up for.
    I am in an outpatient therapy group and the people there and I have become close, mainly because we all "get" each other so much. There is one guy in my group who clicked with me instantly. (We will call him J). He is so brilliant-- his mind works faster than mine, which is saying a lot. My brain is usually on fire. He also has a wicked sense of humor like I do, unlike my husband whose humor is absent or even just very juvenile. I feel ecstatic when I am around J. He SEES me, he is curious about me, cares, plus we share the diagnosis of being bipolar--- he totally gets it whereas my husband gets annoyed and angry even when I am paranoid/terrified due to mania. J is also very alluring and attractive. He is also married, unhappily it seems. We borderline flirt when we talk. He has called me and we will talk for at least an hour. When I was last having a major manic episode, we were down the shore together and stayed in the same room. He knew I was manic out of my gourd, yet he respected me and did not take advantage in any way. (Maybe he just is not into me, but maybe he was being a good friend and gentleman.) I feel guilty for my attraction to J, and feel sorry for my thoughts since I am married. I don't want to be an awful person, but I have contemplated divorce most days--- I am bored stiff with my husband. Not that anything would happen with J, but just seeing the possibility that someone out there exists where I could feel FULFILLED in every way and be SEEN and understood gives me hope in an odd way, but again the guilt sets in for thinking of meeting someone else. Sorry this is so long--I appreciate any thoughts, just plz be kind. I have tried and tried to squelch my feelings for J, but when I do, the feelings grow even stronger. Btw, the photo is of me on a better day, still masking the pain and depression as I have become good at.
    #BipolarDisorder #BipolarDepression #Divorce #Marriage

    25 reactions 9 comments

    Good morning all !! Have t heard from anyone in a bit so was just checking I. To see how you all are handling life’s ups and downs!? #Marriage

    1 reaction 2 comments

    Is my husband toxic?

    I used to stay with my husband at his parents' house. Since the very first day of our marriage his mother started interfering in our life. From knocking at our door at 8 in the morning to wake me up to giving us instructions on how to "behave" as a "decent couple" in front of others to putting restrictions on where we went and by what time we returned, she controlled every aspect of our marriage. As a new bride I put up with her shit for 2 months but later I started getting uncomfortable in the relationship. I started feeling like a puppet.

    When I told my husband about this, he completely dismissed me saying that that's how his mother is and there's nothing wrong with that. We had several fights over his mother's controlling behavior as he repeatedly refused to understand my perspective or do anything about it. It got to a point where I started losing feelings for him. Everything felt forced. I told him that it feels like we've lost the spark which pissed him off and he blamed me for it.

    He never took responsibility for his lack of action, he never tried to acknowledge let alone fix what was wrong, he ignored all my attempts to explain how I was feeling, he entirely dismissed my feelings, and when things got out of hand he blamed me for everything.

    That was not it, despite me begging him to not involve his parents in our issues (as it would make things worse), he went and did exactly that. He said every little thing about me to his mother. He disclosed my deepest secrets to them. After which his toxic family went around bad mouthing me to my relatives. They came over to my house and insulted me in front of everyone.

    I was traumatized after all this. I wanted to end things with him. But my family told me to not make any hasty decisions. So I decided to give my marraige another chance. I did my best to forget everything and start over with him, I made several attempts to fix things, but it did not move him a bit. He still blames me for everything. Whenever I try to be affectionate he dismisses me as if I never did any good to him. Its been a month and his behavior towards me is still cold.

    I've been reading about narcissists, and I'm pretty sure his parents are narcissists. I'm not sure if his behaviour makes him a narcissist too but every time he gives me a cold shoulder, I think he could be one.

    How long should I keep putting up with cold behavior and lack of remorse? Is it healthy to continue being in such a marriage?

    #Anxiety #Marriage #Relationships #ToxicMarriage

    12 reactions 7 comments


    I was sexually abused throughout my younger childhood. I have now been married to my husband for 10 years. I told him for the first time that I was sexually abused as a child. It’s been five days he won’t talk to me. He’s very upset at me that I have not mentioned this. I feel so helpless. I wish I would’ve never said anything. What do I do and where do I go? #Marriage #ChildhoodAbuse #Trauma

    5 reactions 3 comments

    #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder , #Abuse and #Marriage

    If you are afflicted with cPTSD, I strongly suggest any of the books by Pete Walker. Aside, relationships are problematic for us so what happens if your relationship is with an abusive bipolar partner? The abuse was verbal, mental, emotional not nearly what I experienced as a child, but it feels just as bad. Upon telling this to my therapist he declared that is one of the reasons I’m not ready to divorce said partner. I caught my partner sneaking through my phone in the middle of the night and that, as difficult as it was, gave me the chance to set my boundaries and take my Self back. We had been sleeping separately and I did tell him we are not together, I have never told him we are now together but since then he has had medical reasons for needing to sleep in our shared bed. I permitted this as long as we had clear space separation and now he is trying to wiggle back in to my life as if nothing happened. I do not trust this man, and I feel as scared to speak to him as I would my father. Again, my therapist says this is a reason I’m not ready to divorce him. My question is, should I get a new therapist? This man had abused me for 15 years and he insists that even if I’m to divorce, this isn’t the right time I’m not stable enough. I feel very sure about this… #Advise #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #BipolarDisorder #spouse #ChildhoodAbuse #Marriage #Therapist

    8 reactions 12 comments
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    (BPD) Risky Behavior & Separated from your spouse

    When someone temporarily leaves a person with bpd, we feel the whole world has fallen apart. We cry for hours, and the emotional pain and emptiness is torture like you couldn't even imagine unless you have bpd and in that situation. Then after a few days of dealing with the pain then you start splitting and you start to become another person, who you were before you got married, you re-adopt that personality. You hang out with old friends maybe that you stopped hanging with because you got married. You feel the marriage is over at this point. You start spending you and your spouse's life savings. To attempt to feel this void or this emptiness because the pain is just unreal. You just want to cry all day every day. And everything you do and every song you hear is reminding you of your spouse that deserted you. You will call your spouse a lot of times throughout the day when you start to feel that empty feeling again. Because you are needing your spouse to refill that emotional void that you have and no one can feel that void like our spouse can, so you just wait in emotional pain until that person comes back and the whole time you are an emotional wreck, and you keep splitting daily trying to be single even though you don't feel single.#BPD #Marriage #emotionalpain

    2 reactions

    How ADHD Husbands Expect/Prefer to Be Treated by Their Neurotypical (Normal) Wives

    He would like for you to have a mild tone when starting conversations, prefer you give a request rather than demand, and accept that ADHD spouse has a right to his opinion, whether or not you like them.

    Don't set up a dynamic in which your spouse feels he can never do well enough for you. Even though you may feel like he makes some childish decisions, still give him some responsibilities ones you feel he can handle and when he advances, then congratulate him and give him more responsibilities, after a few years you will view him as the potential man you married. Then your respect levels for him will go up. #ADHD #adhdwomen #adhdmen #Marriage #Respect

    1 reaction

    I saw a post today…. What was a “marriage” win this week? Did something g go really well for you and your partner this week? How did it make you feel?

    For me 2 weeks after a huge blowout… we r at least talking… small talk, nothing g real important, but talking at least! It makes me “scared” “happy” “cautious” “worried” but mostly “glad”! How about any of you? Hoping yours is more along the lines of “planning a trip together” “went out for a nice dinner” “cuddle on the couch” ….. tell me some good happy stories!! #marriageishard #Communication #ChronicIllness #Marriage


    #Psychiatrist #dreams #MajorDepressiveDisorder #PTSD #AnxietyAttack #SleepDisorders #MentalHealth #Marriage

    Hi all! Hope everyone is well and safe 🙂 And taking good care of themselves.

    I really dont know who I can talk too except you all awesome people over here.

    I seen my doctor last week. He missed out a medication when I over to see him. When its the night, at around 8+pm, I was about to take my night medication and retire for the night, I found out one of the medication was missing and thats was my sleeping aid.

    There is no way I could get to him, expect writing to him. I thought he wanted to stop me for that medication as I am starting work next Monday.

    So, I just wrote to him and I went to have my shower.

    He wrote to me and called me from his clinic.

    He send the medication down personally to my home. He asked me whether my husband will throw a tantrum or get upsets if he does so. I said no ( this is as I have shared alot of my issues between me and husband with him. My age gap with my husband is 17 years. I am his 2nd wife)

    He bumped into my husband at the carpark. As he asked which block is mine located at. My husband then asked him is he my doctor. My husband said is okay, he can take it from there and he will bring the medication up to me.

    But my doctor insisted on walking my husband up to my unit and passed it personally to me.

    To be honest, I’m really touched by his gesture as it was coming to midnight then.

    I dont like and have the habit of troubling people when I can pick it up tomorrow from the clinic as I will be near.

    I told the doctor that I can picked it up tomorrow from the clinic. He said its alright and its not right for me to pick it up as its his fault.

    I have this dream of going through a very long and dimmed tunnel, with just a torch in hand. I had to crawl, for what I remember for around 10-15 minutes to the end. The one receiveing me at the end is a new doctor at his practise ( which is a female doctor ) she then helped me out from the tunnel and handed me to my doctor.

    My doctor then asked me can i hold your hand? I said yes of course. And we started chatting while we are spinning? ( sounds dramatic) and it ended up with me hugging him with a arm at his waist. He kept talking about all my problems which I am facing and he said he will take good care of me. While at the other end, his nurses all are staring at me with envy.

    I have issues with my husband, we are not intimate for around a year. He has problems lasting or rather getting it up. It really turns me off. I told him to seek professional help. He scolds me and said it is a shame to speak to a doctor and seeking help for that issue. I no longer feel close to him. I no longer hold or hug him. He disgusts me. I no longer wear my wedding ring on my finger- the reason i gave him, my fingers are bloated. I know i am not attracted as compared to me in my 20s. But at least i make an effort to dress and look good when i go out. He doesnt.

    I dont bring him and hang out with my friends. As most of my friends spouses are around my age range. My husband temper is getting from bad to worst and i dont know why.

    Only a few of my best friends have met him. As for the rest of my friends. They know that I am married, as for who is is my husband, still remains a mystery.

    Thank you for hearing me out ❤️ stay safe!

    #Psychiatrist #PTSD #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Anxiety #PanicAttacks #PanicDisorder #SleepDisorders