Lusting: sweet, sweet agony
Hello~ I have hardly ever posted on here, but need extra support today. You see, I have been married 5 years (*gasp*) to the proverbial "nice guy". We met in church and he was the first guy I trusted after going through sexual trauma. He is 12 yrs younger and the longer I know him, the more aware I am of his immaturity. He is always-- I mean ALways on his phone. Our communication really sucks in addition to the fact his speech is delayed which he annoyingly is in denial of. I hope this isn't TMI, but we have only ever tried to have sex a couple times, and I am very much affected by this. He is somewhat effeminate and I have wondered if he is a closet homosexual. He would do ANYthing to help ANYbody, so that is why I said he is a good guy/nice guy. The thing is, I am more and more depressed and empty feeling as the days go by. We are separated now, but he hangs out at my place all the time. We moreso have a friendship than marriage, but that is SO not what I signed up for.
I am in an outpatient therapy group and the people there and I have become close, mainly because we all "get" each other so much. There is one guy in my group who clicked with me instantly. (We will call him J). He is so brilliant-- his mind works faster than mine, which is saying a lot. My brain is usually on fire. He also has a wicked sense of humor like I do, unlike my husband whose humor is absent or even just very juvenile. I feel ecstatic when I am around J. He SEES me, he is curious about me, cares, plus we share the diagnosis of being bipolar--- he totally gets it whereas my husband gets annoyed and angry even when I am paranoid/terrified due to mania. J is also very alluring and attractive. He is also married, unhappily it seems. We borderline flirt when we talk. He has called me and we will talk for at least an hour. When I was last having a major manic episode, we were down the shore together and stayed in the same room. He knew I was manic out of my gourd, yet he respected me and did not take advantage in any way. (Maybe he just is not into me, but maybe he was being a good friend and gentleman.) I feel guilty for my attraction to J, and feel sorry for my thoughts since I am married. I don't want to be an awful person, but I have contemplated divorce most days--- I am bored stiff with my husband. Not that anything would happen with J, but just seeing the possibility that someone out there exists where I could feel FULFILLED in every way and be SEEN and understood gives me hope in an odd way, but again the guilt sets in for thinking of meeting someone else. Sorry this is so long--I appreciate any thoughts, just plz be kind. I have tried and tried to squelch my feelings for J, but when I do, the feelings grow even stronger. Btw, the photo is of me on a better day, still masking the pain and depression as I have become good at.
#BipolarDisorder #BipolarDepression #Divorce #Marriage