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Struggles

My husband wants to help me so bad. He keeps trying to come up with ideas on how to magically fix everything. I can’t have children and I can’t afford IVF. It’s never going to happen for me unless some miracle happens… everyone’s favorite line to tell me anytime I mention infertility but I digress… he wants to fix it so bad he keeps trying to come up with ideas. He asked me the other day if he could just find someone who doesn’t want kids and get them pregnant (by IUI, not sex) and then they sign the baby over to me…. No woman is going to want to get pregnant and carry a baby for 9 months and then give it up intentionally unless they are getting paid for it in cases of surragacy. That’s not a solution. If we had the money for surrogacy we could just do the IVF. Surrogacy costs more than IVF. It’s all the same process except instead of going back inside of my body, it would go inside of theirs. If I could do that I would just want to carry the baby myself. My uterus is fine. My tubes are the problems so if we could do it I would but financially we can’t and it was a “time is of the essence” situation so we really don’t have time to do it later when we have the money. I have accepted adoption as being my only option. That’s okay with me. It’s taken me a lot of time to get to this point but we are certified foster parents now. We have been for a couple months now but haven’t gotten our first placement yet. I just don’t think he has accepted that yet. I think he yearns for children of his own and knowing he won’t ever have that with me bothers me so I know it has to bother him. I just don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m doing the only thing that’s going to be able to make me happy but I’m hurting him at the same time. I want him to have what he wants in life too. And I have a million irrational fears about him leaving me or cheating to get some random girl pregnant just to be able to have a child that’s biologically his. I think I’m just crazy on that part but it’s still a fear in my mind. I know he loves me more than anything and he gives me the world 🌎. He is my best friend and my partner in life. Even though he is my everything, I still have breakdowns every now and again especially around my period just because I’m overly emotional at that time and that’s a reminder every month that I’m not ever be able to get pregnant. It’s hard enough dealing with a period but it’s worse with infertility. I think it breaks him somehow every time he sees me crying my eyes out over it. He feels like he has to be the superhero who swoops in and saves the day but he can’t in this situation. Can anyone else relate? I’ve reached the point where I’m feeling kind of alone in this. I know I’m not alone but I’ve just been kind of down lately. My state has a bad need for foster parents because you see signs everywhere asking for them but yet it’s been 5 going on 6 months since we were certified and we haven’t gotten a placement yet. #Infertility #Marriage #FosterCare #Adoption #lonely #relate #MentalHealth

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#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder and #Marriage

I am posting tonight to just get these feelings out of my head.. today I was accused of cheating on my husband with a mutual friend AND his cousin, I guess 2 guys in one week... my things were thrown on the bed O was told to pack and leave, I was degraded in front of his family, and then he wanted to have intimacy after telling me I have a std if I was with his cousin.. like.. you're really going to do all of that and then expect me to be intimate with you.. I'm just full of idk what right now.

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How to help Spouses with BPD #BPD #Marriage #ADHD

My husband and I currently separated and have been trying to navigate his BPD diagnosis. How do I stop feeling like he’s blaming all his behavior on BPD?

Back story: We’ve been married 23 years and he’s been dealing with addiction our entire marriage mostly alcohol as of late. He’s not taking any medication or seeking help from a therapist. I also have my own issue dealing with ADHD so it’s a bit hectic and I need help.

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Long Tims No Talk! #Marriageissues #chronichealth #Marriage

Good afternoon! We are on our 25th wedding anniversary trip!! We were commenting on the nite of our anniversary “we actually made it!” Hopin g you all have been coping with all of our life issues!! I know having chronic illnesses is hard as hell but it’s even tougher trying to manage a family too!! Stay strong my friends !

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#Marriage

Why do I feel like marriage is a mountain and I’ll never see the top? Is it supposed to feel like I’m always doing the wrong? And when I’m not my best why are you giving up so easy on me….I have never witnessed a happy and healthy relationship in my family so who do I turn too for advice or support when I have no one.

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Lusting: sweet, sweet agony

Hello~ I have hardly ever posted on here, but need extra support today. You see, I have been married 5 years (*gasp*) to the proverbial "nice guy". We met in church and he was the first guy I trusted after going through sexual trauma. He is 12 yrs younger and the longer I know him, the more aware I am of his immaturity. He is always-- I mean ALways on his phone. Our communication really sucks in addition to the fact his speech is delayed which he annoyingly is in denial of. I hope this isn't TMI, but we have only ever tried to have sex a couple times, and I am very much affected by this. He is somewhat effeminate and I have wondered if he is a closet homosexual. He would do ANYthing to help ANYbody, so that is why I said he is a good guy/nice guy. The thing is, I am more and more depressed and empty feeling as the days go by. We are separated now, but he hangs out at my place all the time. We moreso have a friendship than marriage, but that is SO not what I signed up for.
I am in an outpatient therapy group and the people there and I have become close, mainly because we all "get" each other so much. There is one guy in my group who clicked with me instantly. (We will call him J). He is so brilliant-- his mind works faster than mine, which is saying a lot. My brain is usually on fire. He also has a wicked sense of humor like I do, unlike my husband whose humor is absent or even just very juvenile. I feel ecstatic when I am around J. He SEES me, he is curious about me, cares, plus we share the diagnosis of being bipolar--- he totally gets it whereas my husband gets annoyed and angry even when I am paranoid/terrified due to mania. J is also very alluring and attractive. He is also married, unhappily it seems. We borderline flirt when we talk. He has called me and we will talk for at least an hour. When I was last having a major manic episode, we were down the shore together and stayed in the same room. He knew I was manic out of my gourd, yet he respected me and did not take advantage in any way. (Maybe he just is not into me, but maybe he was being a good friend and gentleman.) I feel guilty for my attraction to J, and feel sorry for my thoughts since I am married. I don't want to be an awful person, but I have contemplated divorce most days--- I am bored stiff with my husband. Not that anything would happen with J, but just seeing the possibility that someone out there exists where I could feel FULFILLED in every way and be SEEN and understood gives me hope in an odd way, but again the guilt sets in for thinking of meeting someone else. Sorry this is so long--I appreciate any thoughts, just plz be kind. I have tried and tried to squelch my feelings for J, but when I do, the feelings grow even stronger. Btw, the photo is of me on a better day, still masking the pain and depression as I have become good at.
#BipolarDisorder #BipolarDepression #Divorce #Marriage

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