How do I become a whole again and feel any self worth? It’s been 20 years since I was trafficked and I still feel worthless and have so much hate for myself.
Yesterday I left a message for my doctor to update her on my Covid symptoms, which are greatly improved, and to make her aware that I had growing suspicion my body pain is directly related to my childhood traumas. I’m the kind of person who likes to be accurate though, obsessively. So as a means of ruling out other potential causes, I asked if a Lyme test might be a good idea. I was told she’s out this week, but another professional ordered a Lyme test for me.
I no longer believe it’s necessary.
A few hours ago I woke up screaming, and cried myself back to sleep. I’m awake now feeling stable and remembering that it happened, but unaware of what it was specifically that made me scream and wake up. I don’t really need to know, and I’m not going to wreck myself digging for it. If I’m meant to know it and process it, then it will surface on its own.
My priority in this circumstance is realizing my body pain is in fact stemming from my traumas. I haven’t screamed in my sleep since I was a child, and this is happening now for a reason. I have my data, gathered firsthand. And it is accurate. #CPTSD #PTSD #SexualTrauma #HumanTrafficking #SexTrafficking #Survivor
It’s beautiful and sunny today, which is good because I need every mood boost I can get. On this day in 2019, my mother passed away. It wasn’t expected, just suddenly gone. I’ve done well with moving forward, but this is just a sensitive time of year. And then last night I found out that a cousin I was close with when we were kids passed away. Her situation was more expected due to cancer, but still very hard news to take. We were both victims of CSAM (child sexual abuse material) and other abuses, and we had planned to run away but got caught. For his own sick enjoyment, my father kept the camera that he had used, and when my mother passed away, my siblings and I came across the camera while sorting through belongings. I explained that I wanted to have it, and when I was alone, proceeded to smash it into a million pieces with a large hammer. Although that brought some satisfaction, I’m in a million pieces now and wishing my cousin could have had a better life. I was a crying mess this morning while listening to “Doll Parts” by Hole, and now I’m just numb. Thanks for listening. #Grief #PTSD #CPTSD #CSAM #Abuse #exploitation #SexTrafficking
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