I was sexually abused by my ex-boyfriend for almost 2 years way back in 2017 to 2019. I was 16 to 17 back then, he was an adult. I didn't realize I was sexually abused and just thought I was being "too innocent" because first and foremost, he was my boyfriend, afterall. So, why would I not give my consent to someone whom I trust and whom I should have a sexual relationship with?
Whenever I made him stop, he would just go on. After every session, I would breakdown in front of him and beg him to not do it again, hoping he would change, but sometimes, he would just mock me and laugh at me. Until one time, I just felt numb while he was doing lascivious acts. I subconsciously abandoned my emotions, as if it was my defense-mechanism to cope and accept the things he had done. It felt like I was trapped in a cycle and couldn't do anything because I was attached to him. Nevertheless, I just thought there was something wrong with me and not with him.
Since then, my behavior and mental illnesses got worse. I was oftenly too aggressive without any reason, too irritable, drowned myself into alcohol abuse, blamed myself for everything, had severe anxiety attacks, and more. Everyone thought I was the "bad guy" and did too thought of myself that way.
It took me several times before I could officially break up with him because whenever I would break up with him, he would just yell at me and tell me that I have no valid reason to break up with him. Thankfully, I did finally cut off our ties last September 2019. However, I still suffer from the trauma that he had brought to me. I got nightmares , anxiety attacks, and had breakdowns after breakdowns after breakdowns and so on...until there was no tear left to cry.
You never realize that you are trapped in an abusive relationship because you unconditionally love that person even if it means sacrificing your own self, until one day, you just wake up from reality and have enough of it. It took me one advice from my friend to make me realize that I was in an abusive relationship.
Whoever is suffering from sexual abuse, I hope you'll soon outlive and I know you will.
#SexualAbuse #adolescent sexual molestation trauma #Trauma #SexualTrauma #Survivor of rape and or molestation #SexualAbuseSurvivors #SexualAssault #SexualViolence #SexualHarassment #Abuse #AbuseSurvivors #ChildAbuse #childabusesurvivors