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Quiet Day

It’s beautiful and sunny today, which is good because I need every mood boost I can get. On this day in 2019, my mother passed away. It wasn’t expected, just suddenly gone. I’ve done well with moving forward, but this is just a sensitive time of year. And then last night I found out that a cousin I was close with when we were kids passed away. Her situation was more expected due to cancer, but still very hard news to take. We were both victims of CSAM (child sexual abuse material) and other abuses, and we had planned to run away but got caught. For his own sick enjoyment, my father kept the camera that he had used, and when my mother passed away, my siblings and I came across the camera while sorting through belongings. I explained that I wanted to have it, and when I was alone, proceeded to smash it into a million pieces with a large hammer. Although that brought some satisfaction, I’m in a million pieces now and wishing my cousin could have had a better life. I was a crying mess this morning while listening to “Doll Parts” by Hole, and now I’m just numb. Thanks for listening. #Grief #PTSD #CPTSD #CSAM #Abuse #exploitation #SexTrafficking


The 3 Day Notice, No Time to Die

On Thursday I paid a eviction service to serve my live-in narcissistic abuser with a three day notice to pay or quit. His abuse has been emotional, financial, and and gaslighting.
All so he could exploit me, lie to me and bleed me for cash. So he could enjoy a double life, pretending to love me, pretending that he was willing to get a job, and live like an honest, decent person, while behind my back on the sly, using his drug of choice, pretending he was willing to get clean but instead spending his days doing nothing or sleeping off his last binge. Four months ago he also decided there was no reason to pay rent, either.

They served him with the 3 day notice yesterday, posting it on our front door.

This morning he threw the notice on the floor in front of me and declared that the date on it was wrong. Then he left and slammed the door.

I am so emotionally tired. Never in a million years, did I imagined I’d have to evict a person that I cared for. A person that I am now trying to understand, never loved me in the first place.

I am so heartbroken.

I guess I just needed to tell someone.

No Time to Die - Billie Eilish

I should've known
I'd leave alone
Just goes to show
That the blood you bleed
Is just the blood you owe

We were a pair
But I saw you there
Too much to bear
You were my life
But life is far away from fair

Was I stupid to love you?
Was I reckless to help?
Was it obvious to everybody else?

That I'd fallen for a lie?
You were never on my side
Fool me once, fool me twice
Are you death or paradise?
Now you'll never see me cry
There's just no time to die

I let it burn
You're no longer my concern
Faces from my past return
Another lesson yet to learn

That I'd fallen for a lie
You were never on my side
Fool me once, fool me twice
Are you death or paradise?
Now you'll never see me cry
There's just no time to die
No time to die
No time to die

Fool me once, fool me twice
Are you death or paradise?
Now you'll never see me cry
There's just no time to die

#narcissistic Abuse #emotional Abuse #Gaslighting #exploitation #Perspecticide #financial Abuse #Deception #bullshit


#Addiction #dailybattles #drugabuse #Selfharm

I have to beat my addiction. Its easier for me to describe like this: #mightypoety #SexualAssault #Rape #SexualAbuse #exploitation #Healing #violence #rapeculture #rapetrauma #SelfMedicating

There is a ‘demon’ inside my brain, and it has managed to gain near total command. The demon is This addiction, to something which was once helpful, as a temporary release, from the anguish of what was going on around me, and to me, to others as well.

I need to reclaim my own mind, and get control back from the ‘demon’. Take back the reigns.

It’s going to hurt me, it will scream and kick and shout at me. All of it’s might, will thrust forward, as the Demon attempts to survive. Clenching, hard onto these reigns, dominating my head space, it is adamant that it shall not relinquish, the throbbing life source, the ‘treasure’ it found within me. That Demon’s ‘treasure chest’ was not, as one might expect, in the form of a breakable crate, dripping with Gold, jewels, wealth and happiness.

Rather, it is the antithesis of such a positive glowing beacon.

‘Treasure’ for this Demon, was in fact the lack of it. The emptiness. The hollow crate, where once stood self-belief, self-love, self-esteem, ambition, hope and will. When the world around me came to blows, and stripped away everything about me, everything I held so dear and close... The tsunami which washed out happiness, stole my love of life, swept away the love of my life, crippled my career, took away all livelihood. All that was left was my soul.

When the rape came, my soul seemed all but smothered. All that was left of me, was an empty shell of self.

That is what this Demon treasures, the hollow cave, where once sparked my soul, that is it’s dreadful power. Power to remain captain of this ghostly vessel, steering my ship beneath it’s own sails, and into the ever blackening darkness.

Yet my soul remains, as do my sails, and all the fire within me could never be smothered. The Demon knows this, and it frightens it’s core. Hence it’s rampage. It fears the fateful inevitable. That once again my soul with sail this ship, the opportunistic Demon, shall lie, defeated. Not merely smothered, completely extinguished.