shutupbrain

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#breakthroughs #Depression #lackofworth #WhyAmIHere

I've always wondered if when I express myself if people think I'm aiming for attention, or if they just think how pathetic I am. I'm not certain at what point in my life this transpired or why. Then I wonder if I should even say anything. If I bottle it all up it leads to an mental break down. Last one left my physically sick for 2 weeks and being put on meds, which the meds took a few months to get me on track. I'm constantly waiting for the shoe to drop. I'm waiting to be chucked back to the very bottom...not that I'm at the top. If it is accurate that I'm found to be a burden then why do I even belong here. If I were to die today or tomorrow who would really care...and does it matter if they did or did not care? I suppose I would just like to think I mattered or made a difference in this life. I wonder if all of this is just unnecessary thinking...I wish I could slow the noise. #Thinking #Damn #WhyAmIHere #Whatsthepoint #doesanyofthismatter #shutupbrain #ImSoTired ##MajorDepression #severeanxiety #PanicAttacks

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Encouragement

Well, it is another sleepless night, despite my body screaming from exhaustion. My brain refuses to turn off and the thoughts swirling in my head are threatening to take me into the dark abyss. I have been having a rough few weeks and I feel utterly useless. My wife feels like a single parent, I feel like a crap excuse for a human being, and I am surrounded by the things I haven't done--laundry, dishes, general tidying up...My "babysitter" comes in a few hours, but I feel guilty having her do all of the work I should have done and would have done had I felt better than a cowpat in the sun...I know I should be better at accepting help, but I still suck at it. Yesterday I felt like I would just be better off kicking the bucket (though I know I never will, couldn't bear to do that to my kid) because of how worthless I have been feeling. And the worthlessness leads to anger which leads to guilt and it is a never ending cycle...I could use some encouragement and some advice from people who have been where I am. Although I am knowledgeable about my illnesses, I still haven't figured out how to live with myself having them...if that even makes sense.... #shutupbrain #