WhyAmIHere

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When financial problems affect my Mental Health

Don’t even know where to start. Cause just thinking about it makes me mad and emotional. I am currently 28. I have a boyfriend. I technically don’t have a job, but he kinda has one that is fair (he is into developing) He has been trough a few well paid jobs in the past 2 years. He has money and he know how to work with his money especially when he has a cred card. We live with his parents. I had to ask my mother to help pay rent while i live here. And It makes me feel so bad. I don’t want a job where it’s 9-5 everyday working for someone. Sure I’ll get paid pretty well then I currently am. I am a self proclaimed artist. Doing customised art for people. (Graphite pencil drawings) it takes like maybe 2 weeks for a drawing to be done. And It clearly isn’t enough in my parents eyes an especially not my bofriends’. He keeps pushing me to get a “real” job. My parents too. They don’t understand that I don’t have that mentality or strength to have a work everyday. For the rest of my life. I have no idea how people stay sane. I couldn’t even fathom how I would deal with it. I know for sure i will in the future off myself. Look, I want to make money. Enough to pay my rent and still be reliable for my self. But it’s hard when yout drawings don’t sell and people aren’t interested. I work my ass off just to finsih one drawing and I don’t get that much for it. I don’t know what to do. My bf told me he will have to end things between us if it keeps going on like this. (We are 4 years together this year) #Depression #Anxiety #moneyproblems #financialproblems #failedartist #failedperson #failedson #Idontbelonghere #WhyAmIHere

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The Why’s and the How’s

I feel like I deserved to get hurt. This is one of those days where I think that I’ll forever be denied love. I feel like I’m very easy to replace. Easy to ignore. Again, I’m faced with the question,” why am I still here?” Who really needs me to stay here? How am I able to help anyone if I feel helpless myself? How can anyone look at me as this strong person when I have days were I no longer want to exist? How can anyone see value in me when I’ve come to hate the so-called “good” parts of myself? I just feel so empty inside. #MentalHealth #Depression #WhyAmIHere

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#breakthroughs #Depression #lackofworth #WhyAmIHere

I've always wondered if when I express myself if people think I'm aiming for attention, or if they just think how pathetic I am. I'm not certain at what point in my life this transpired or why. Then I wonder if I should even say anything. If I bottle it all up it leads to an mental break down. Last one left my physically sick for 2 weeks and being put on meds, which the meds took a few months to get me on track. I'm constantly waiting for the shoe to drop. I'm waiting to be chucked back to the very bottom...not that I'm at the top. If it is accurate that I'm found to be a burden then why do I even belong here. If I were to die today or tomorrow who would really care...and does it matter if they did or did not care? I suppose I would just like to think I mattered or made a difference in this life. I wonder if all of this is just unnecessary thinking...I wish I could slow the noise. #Thinking #Damn #WhyAmIHere #Whatsthepoint #doesanyofthismatter #shutupbrain #ImSoTired ##MajorDepression #severeanxiety #PanicAttacks

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Sometimes...

Sometimes, I feel content in my sadness. Sometimes, I’d rather feel numb than to feel everything intensely. Sometimes it’s the other way around. This morning, I kept telling myself that someone abandoned me and that I should just give up on expecting things from people period. Everyone seems to have their reasons for leaving. I personally feel that it’s because they got bored of me, or that they were only around to lead me to think that I could trust them and they told their new friends about me and whatever private information I’ve told them. Or simply because I’ve become unlike able to them after a short time. Either way, everyone wins while I lose another battle where everyone else except me knows who wins. Lately, I’ve been wondering why I’m still alive. I wonder why I still hold on to people who are too busy entertaining other people. Why do I feel like I should die whenever I feel rejected or left behind? I’ve got many questions, and probably two answers. #MentalHealth #Depression #SuicidalThoughts #IntenseFeelings #intenseemotions #PeoplePleaser #peopleleave #sometimes #Sadness #numbness to everything #holdingontopeople #reasonstoleave #Catch22 #WhyAmIHere #Rejection

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Everything is always my fault... no matter what I do. I’m always in the wrong. No one understands my mind or how I think. I always loose the ones I love the most... #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Depression #Anxiety #icantdoanythingright
#WhyAmIHere

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#WhyAmIHere

I just told my bf I might be bi and he got upset, regardless of the fact that I told him that it wasn’t going to change anything between us, I just didn’t wanna lie and now he’s mad and ignoring me. How do I handle this?

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Purpose

I want so badly to have a purpose. Some reason for being. A gift I can maybe though not necessarily give to the world, but to at least a few people. Anybody. I have no point. Not a good one. I am used then discarded until needed again. What I can do, means nothing to anyone. That shouldn’t matter, I know. I create what I do, and as long as it makes me happy, that’s all that should matter. Right? But instead I feel like no matter what I do, no matter how much I like it, it doesn’t matter. I don’t matter. Why am I here?
#Depression #purpose #WhyAmIHere

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