I found a song called "This is a Song not a Suicide Letter" by Rory and I can't stop listening to it. Not because I've actually done/gone through what the song talks about but because I so easily could. It talks about a girl who OD's but doesn't die and it's a message to her younger self that "this is not the end" and things do get better. I want to believe that.
I'm not actively suicidal, but man being not alive sounds so appealing right now.
The other day my therapist gently called me out on how I use sarcasm to not lie, but also not actually admit that I'm not okay. Like if I sarcastically say "I'm great" then of course my therapist knows I'm not, but I haven't actually said "I'm struggling." And I've just been thinking about that a lot and I sent her an email where I was actually honest without sarcasm and I told her I know I'm not okay, that I am really struggling no matter how much I want to pretend I'm not.
But like the weight of admitting that feels like it's going to crush me. I want to DO something about it, not just sit with it. Even though sitting with it is probably what I need to do at the moment. But it's so hard. I'm so tired of how hard life is.