struggling

For me mental health has been a tough battel for me. I have looked for many avenues to get a better grasp on my mental health. Some have been incredibly beneficial while others not so much. The concept and idea of therapy works for me, but unfortunately, I has a therapist right now that devalues my struggle and tells me that I have no mental illness and don’t need medications. Two of the things that have been most beneficial to me were creating my blog, bipolartater.com and creating YouTube videos to share my story. While they have not always been well received, read, or watched, it has been a way for me to get what is on my mind off my mind and into digital form. Lately, I have been slipping substantially and teetering on the edge of crisis. So, I decided to tell my story with my narrative about the huge mental health struggles that have truly impacted my mental health. Some people have been negative because of my voice which is not my fault as I need nasal surgery. But I just wanted to get my story out there as the media has decided to write their version of my story with no knowledge of me. So, if you want, please check it out. youtu.be/MeUrXHmYJ5k

www.bipolartater.com

#MentalHealth #Bipolar #BipolarDisorder #BipolarDepression #Depression #PTSD #Trauma #Anxiety #struggling

#Depression #makeitstop #anger #Pain #Mourning #suicidalnotsuicidal #struggling

I've had depression almost as far back as I can remember. Wasn't diagnosed until after a parents suicide in my early 20s. I'm 45 now and have been struggling a lot the past year or so. honestly I really tired of being negative all time. I fell like I am bringing everyone else down with me. I've been having trouble controlling my anger too, something I'm not even sure where its coming from, sometimes its an obvious event, other times its just not being able to focus to send an email. I feel like everything is a struggle just to function 'normal' (event though there is no normal). I have never been one to shy away from telling others that I have depression and have always been an advocate to bring more awareness.

However this past year is taking its toll. Had to say goodbye to my dog/bestfriend/companion of 12 years years in June and I miss him more than anything. The fall/winter has always been the most most difficult time for me (there are about 8 friends/family members that have died in December alone (including my fathers suicide a week after his birthday); thanksgiving was the last time I saw/talked with him about 2 weeks prior to his death.

I'm scared of what the next couple of months will bring, who I will hurt, what property I may break. I do not have a positive outlook and can't see a future anymore. It's not really my pain I want to end, it's the pain i am causing to those around me that i need to stop

Everyone says to talk to someone, I feel like I have talked to so many therapists, counselors, friends , family , doctors and I still keep struggling. True some days are better/worse than others. I don't like to be around anyone anymore because I am that bump on a log around everyone, I am the one that never really has anything nice to say. I am the one lashes out in an argument and burns bridges. I am the one that causes a scene. I feel as I am the problem since I am the common denominator. I've lost so many friends, family member don't include me anymore. No one called for my birthday or my dogs passing besides my best-friend from high school and my boss (not my mother, sister, or cousins, or "friends").

I cant focus anymore enough to get anything accomplished. I feel like I'm dragging everyone and everything down with me. I am a sinking ship. I've never really been suicidal before but think it's inevitable at this point. I'm just tired of hurting people, so tired of this. I know if/when I die it will hurt those I love, but I cant see how my death would be worse than me continually hurting them the rest of my life. At least I wouldn't make things worse than they would be if I were around. So far I've been too chicken, but started thinking about a lot more.

How do you get this never-ending rollercoaster to stop?

Hi, I'm 23 and have fibromyalgia, PCOS, depression, anxiety and am really struggling. I got my fibro diagnosis 2 years ago but around that time i was dealing with a break up, grieving a grandparent, in the middle of a pandemic and dealing with final year of college.

Since my life has calmed down slightly, pieces coming back to place, the reality of my diagnosis is kicking in as well as the knowledge of future struggles the PCOS will inevitably cause. The reality of this fibro never going away, that every day of my life will be spent in pain with mood swings, constant fatigue etc etc.

This kicking in of reality has brought me back to a bad place that I have doing relatively well to avoid. I broke my 85 day streak of avoiding harmful actions toward myself today. I feel so disappointed in myself, I'm an adult why can't I stop myself from doing this shit.

I hope this is okay to post I just need some advice. I feel really lost. I work as an ID nurse and have started working part time to give my body a break but even the fact that at 23 I had to go part time makes me feel like a huge failure.#Fibromyalgia #PCOS #struggling #scared #Relapse

As I sit here all I can think about is how amazing it would be to have someone come into my life, outside of a chance encounter, that would be there for me, be empathetic, listen to my narrative and no other narratives of my story. I think how amazing it would be if someone would look past all the negativities surround me and see the positive qualities I have. Then reality set in and I realize I will always have the thought in my mind that no one will ever want to get to know someone with a record even if that record stems from something the person ahs no recollection of and if it did occur it was 100% because of mental illness. Mental illness that was exacerbated by improper diagnoses by doctors and the prescribe of the wrong medications. Outside of the ethical aspect of things, I think about the two amazing women that have come into my life and the female from the encounter on Tuesday and think I will never have a girl like any of them. Someone that is truly beautiful both inside and out, someone that has the kindest soul, and is empathetic toward me.

Out of the relationship aspect, I think about how one former friend said all I do is bring everyone down with me with whatever is going on in my life. Referencing my mental struggle that they claim affected them, and my suicide attempt, and even my current legal issue despite everyone except one person telling me they couldn’t be my friend anymore. I fear that everyone will look at me this way and no one will ever want to be associated with me again. I know it is bad, but I think about the one friend that remains and think about how when we worked together, she was one of the top gossipers, I think about this and wonder is she just staying friends with me because she wants to have that feed of my life to gossip about me too.

I am truly a mental mess and often get the urge to drown my feelings and thoughts is drugs and alcohol despite not drinking alcohol in over 18 years and never doing drugs in my life. I just want the voices in my head to leave, I want the memories of all the struggles I have been through to be gone. I want all the negative things people have said to me or about me to be gone from my memory.

I pray every night that God will bring good people into my life. Bring those that are going to be in my life into it. I understand that one day I will lose Lauren as my Therapist and Charlene as my psychiatrist, but then I look at the girl from Tuesday, that was all that Lauren and Charlene are combined into one package with even more amazingness. I feel this is God’s way of continuing to bring the amazing people into my life because these are the people that are going to be empathetic toward me.

bipolartater.com/thoughts

#MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #BipolarDisorder #Bekind #struggling

Is it wrong for people to judge someone so hard that you make them change as a person, develop social anxiety, and ultimately make there mental illness worse? Over the course of the eight years I was subjected to constant ridicule and judgement for every social interaction. I had. Worse thing for me is I never realized what was happening. I first began question myself, am I what people say I am, Am I someone that doesn't know how to have a nor.al conversation or social interaction. For the last eight years and most recently in the last two weeks have been told I flirt with everyone and ever interaction I had whether just a smile or hello or a work conversation as soon as the interaction was done Someone always came up to me and said I was flirting and I flirt with everyone. I was given the nickname of lover boy a nickname I hated because I knew what they were saying.

This leads me to the real purpose fo this post and something I talk about in my most recent blog post on bipolartater.com . Is it truly wrong to ever refer to having a relationship with your therapist. I recent said the word relation when talking about my therapist and I was ripped and ridiculed like I said some forbidden word. I in no way meant a sexual relationship or dating relationship just a relation developed through interacted with someone every week for more than 4 months. A former friend took it a step further and said I use my therapy hour to flirt with my therapist and they best she is uncomfortable the entire hour. This leads into a second word I used that got me ripped and ridiculed by my fellow group therapy members, that word being "friend", I called my therapist a friend.

So in summary my wonder is would the response to the word "relationship" or "friend" been the same if I was a female or if my therapist was a male. When did it become such a bad thing for a male to have a non sexual relationship with a female.

Sorry for the rant just so.ething bothering me and wanted to get feedback of if I am truly in the wrong and just too stupid to realize it.

#MentalHealth #Bipolar #BipolarDisorder #struggling

bipolartater.com/august-25-2022-first-day-of-my-spiritual-vacation