struggling

Most Of today, i felt sad and lonely because i dont have anyone outside of therapy i can trust to be there when my mental health is being weird. Between the disassociation and emotions fluctating extremely throughout the day, it's hard to tell what i feel a certain way.

For instance, i'd react to a trivial thing like a customer being upset with me at work As an entirely earthshattering Moment. I'm not kidding, receiving feedback from management about a complaint made me cry too long. It was catastrophic.

I also have severe abandonment issues, so i worry about losing my friends constantly. And when they're not able to give me the attention i need because they're dealing with their own stuff, i get teary-eyed. And i feel more isolated.

I don't know how to fix this. Depression is the last thing i need right now. Working through trauma can be difficult, so i get overwhelmed and exhausted easily. I just feel so alone. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorderBPD #Depression #Anxiety #MentalHealth #struggling

The two weeks leading up to having to report to prison were two of the best weeks I had had in a long time. Don’t get me wrong, they were also the scariest weeks. These two weeks I was able to start to get something missing from my life for a while, that being family. I convinced my mom, her husband, and my father to have Thanksgiving at my house. No small feat as my mom always spends Thanksgiving and Christmas with my sister. I played my dad’s favorite video game, Zombie Army 4, with him. Even purchased downloadable content to give us extra missions to play. I got my mom to go to a drive thru Christmas light display at a local theme park and went out for McFlurries after. The night before I had to report my dad and I watched The Santa Clause tv show until I fell asleep on the couch.

While in prison I spent a lot of time thinking how I could recapture that magic. The magic of family. I devised a plan, invited everyone for one meal a month at my house and to go out to eat with everyone once a month. Since it would be summer when I get out, I would invite everyone for a cookout. I would go with my mom to Kentucky again to see the Ark Encounter, Creation Museum, and an aquarium. I felt I had it all figured out. While I was in prison, my dad and mom let it slip that they got me a Moon Pod for Christmas something I wanted. Everything felt like it was going to as close to perfect as it could be and would capture the magic of the two weeks before I had to report.

The day I was released felt like it was going to be the start of a new and better life, it was set, a cookout at my house and I would get my Christmas present, the Moon Pod. When I got home the Moon Pod was already there waiting for me in my bedroom. I had gotten all I could ask for. Family for a cookout and a Moon Pod. The significance of the Mood Pod was that people had told me it helps with depression and anxiety. When my mom and her husband arrived at my house, she informed me she got me additional presents. Additional presents amounted to a lot of stuff. Stuff I didn’t really need, but the gesture of showing me she cared was nice. She honestly probably spent a lot of money. A few days later we all went to Cracker Barrel for supper. Everything seemed to be starting to turn out just how I envisioned it. The new month and a half contained several more cookouts, going to Cracker Barrel, and a few get togethers at my house. The magic family was alive again in my life.

That all changed last week. My mom is accused of not paying for merchandise on the bottom of her cart by a local grocery store. She doesn’t want me to know, but naturally she told my father, and he told me. She has no intention to get a lawyer. No intention to fight. So naturally I am left to think the worst. I never wanted all the things she bought me. If she is having money issues and that is the reason for her actions. All I wanted when I got out was the magic of family. I didn’t mean to make her feel like she had to buy me a ton of things for Christmas, family is all I truly wanted. Before this happened, I would get a ton of calls every day from her, now I get none. Before this happened, she would come into my work and talk for a bit after she got done at work every day, now she comes into give me receipts to scan into an app and says I have to go. I want her to use the money she saved for vacation and get a lawyer. I wish I had known she was buying me so much so I could have told her no. I wish I could have the family magic I was able to capture, but I fear that magic is gone forever. I feel responsible for the possible had decision she made. Now I feel broken and responsible for a past decision of someone else. I will always support my mom no matter what, as she supported me through my trouble.

bipolartater.com/july-25-2023

#Family #MentalHealth #struggling #struggle

I have been struggling, so I decided to post to my blog and themighty. I have been struggling to find the courage to post again and pick up with my blog because of the judgement of others. Thanks you to all that read my post on here or my blog. IT truly means a lot to me that I have a way to expression what I am going through.

I have been away for a long time, six months of it from being in jail, but after getting out the last two months have been struggling with who I am and how I will find the ability to get self esteem and live in a society that continues to judge me.

Mental health is a tough thing to deal with. Made even harder to deal with when done alone. An even harder in a society where people see you based on a single mistake you made in your life. I have lost more friends than I can either count or remember. I have one friend left, but over the past two months I feel like that friendship has drifted away too. I have tried to make new friends, but unfortunately that isn’t easy for me because so many people judge me based upon a mistake that happened last year. I wish I could make just one friend, one friend that will be there to help me through my mental health struggles when they come, someone that will be there for me on the best and worst days. Man do I wish I had a friend. I keep telling myself one day I will have a friend like that. Over the past month bad things keep happening to people in my life and I can’t help feeling all the bad that is happening to them is directly a result of how horrible of a person I am. My mind keeps going back to the 250 plus Facebook messages from people I knew and didn’t know when my life went to crap last year telling me I am horrible and should rid the world of a horrible person. Over the past month I hit a deer with my dad’s car, my dog developed a growth in her mouth and needs surgery and I don’t know how I am going to pay for it, and now today a local grocery store is accusing my mom of theft for forgetting an item on the bottom of her cart. Part of me has a bad feeling about my mom and that suicide on her mind. I don't want to lose my mom and be without a mom and friends. And my friend that I have but I feel is drifting away went on a trip and had her engine blow. I just can’t help feeling being related or associated with me is having my karma brought against them. I am honestly a mess and just feel I am bad for everyone and everything. This is why I wish I had a friend to talk too.

bipolartater.com/july-21-2023

#Bipolar #Suicide #MentalHealth #struggling #felon #postprison #postjail #Depression #Anxiety #BipolarDisorder #BipolarDepression #needafriend

My mom calling my dad an Effing Coward, them calling each other names my mom especially putting him now, sister and mom fighting, me and my mom lately not getting along either or avoiding each other. It’s a little hard.

#struggling #dysfunctional #Toxic #hard #Family #help #Relationships #boundaries #BadDay

Recently I’m noticing my lack of being able to stay on task be easily distracted not very motivated, super disorganized, etc might be potentially something else? Personally I’ve always thought 💭 it’s just a personality trait and bad habits I have to work on, helps when I turn off my phone or try to limit distractions but even then it’s really hard to get a lot done, I’m horrible at time management and using the day to the fullest. It’s hard to know whether it’s my normal or if maybe I do have some symptoms or overlap of adhd/ add?

I’ve only been diagnosed with chronic anxiety/ depression. But I know sometimes people can have multiple disorders.
I know only a psychiatrist or doctor etc can know, but guess just wanted to ask any tips if even if you can be low functioning, high functioning, or low on the symptoms / spectrum if you can still be diagnosed.

I feel some symptoms or signs I’m high on and others I rank low so it’s hard to know if it does apply to me or I just have to work on these areas and it’s just tech brain
🧠 bad habits developed or so on.

Thanks for any advice! Maybe I’ll try out some online tests to see how I rank, and eventually ask a psychiatrist or person if I can find one with all the wait lists.

I guess maybe Im scared to develop any more disorders when I already have a heard enough time coping with mine. But if I do have something it’s better to learn how to treat it than ignore it. Or even if I’m not diagnosed or apply to having add or adhd

But could benefit from cbt or techniques people use to cope with similar symptoms or struggles I have? Thanks for any comments!? Guess I somewhat notice it but have had it since my teens so I figure it’s just a part of my character, hard to know if it’s something else or not. #ADHD #ADD #neurodiverse #Brain #Curious #New #mighty #Advice #help #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Depression #Tips #CBT #psychology #counselling #Comments #yourexperience #thanks #confused #coping #struggling