#Depression #makeitstop #anger #Pain #Mourning #suicidalnotsuicidal #struggling
I've had depression almost as far back as I can remember. Wasn't diagnosed until after a parents suicide in my early 20s. I'm 45 now and have been struggling a lot the past year or so. honestly I really tired of being negative all time. I fell like I am bringing everyone else down with me. I've been having trouble controlling my anger too, something I'm not even sure where its coming from, sometimes its an obvious event, other times its just not being able to focus to send an email. I feel like everything is a struggle just to function 'normal' (event though there is no normal). I have never been one to shy away from telling others that I have depression and have always been an advocate to bring more awareness.
However this past year is taking its toll. Had to say goodbye to my dog/bestfriend/companion of 12 years years in June and I miss him more than anything. The fall/winter has always been the most most difficult time for me (there are about 8 friends/family members that have died in December alone (including my fathers suicide a week after his birthday); thanksgiving was the last time I saw/talked with him about 2 weeks prior to his death.
I'm scared of what the next couple of months will bring, who I will hurt, what property I may break. I do not have a positive outlook and can't see a future anymore. It's not really my pain I want to end, it's the pain i am causing to those around me that i need to stop
Everyone says to talk to someone, I feel like I have talked to so many therapists, counselors, friends , family , doctors and I still keep struggling. True some days are better/worse than others. I don't like to be around anyone anymore because I am that bump on a log around everyone, I am the one that never really has anything nice to say. I am the one lashes out in an argument and burns bridges. I am the one that causes a scene. I feel as I am the problem since I am the common denominator. I've lost so many friends, family member don't include me anymore. No one called for my birthday or my dogs passing besides my best-friend from high school and my boss (not my mother, sister, or cousins, or "friends").
I cant focus anymore enough to get anything accomplished. I feel like I'm dragging everyone and everything down with me. I am a sinking ship. I've never really been suicidal before but think it's inevitable at this point. I'm just tired of hurting people, so tired of this. I know if/when I die it will hurt those I love, but I cant see how my death would be worse than me continually hurting them the rest of my life. At least I wouldn't make things worse than they would be if I were around. So far I've been too chicken, but started thinking about a lot more.
How do you get this never-ending rollercoaster to stop?