Suicide: The Ripple Effect

It is the fifth day of me grieving for someone who lost him life to suicide. The grief comes in waves at times, unable to share with people mostly, because this person was not close to me, but I knew we could be friends because our personalities matched a lot. What is bothering me for the last two days, is my own suicidal thoughts, and a certain sense of agony. I was talking to a friend about this, who feels the same way, we agreed that we could give up anything and everything to have him back.
I do not know how to process this grief.
Have anyone of you felt this way before? Despite of not knowing someone personally, the loss was a personal loss that has left tears and devastation in it's wake?
For me, he has taken a part of me along with him, and recovering seems to be impossible.

Why the fuck is my life seeming like a Shakespearean tragedy where every time I fix my problems, I somehow make them worse at the moment? In the past 24 hours, I’ve:
-low key ranted about my day to my wonderful girlfriend, which through no fault of her gave me the idea of asking my friend in the group who fixes a lot of my problems how I could motivate one of my other friends to go to therapy again because it’s stressing me out more than my freaking college classes or extracurriculars or family drama, which is dumb.
-My friend points out that I can be petty, vindictive, and I hold grudges for far too long. (I see her point though.)
-Then, realizing that I said some salty and borderline mean things in a letter I already sent to my friend in another country. I try to make up for those things by writing down why I reacted that way.
-But then, because I’m lonely and I miss her, I guess. I SHARE the document that low key turned into free associations. 🤦‍♀️
-My friend sees it (probably because my other friend warned her and starts crying).
-I get a text from said friend telling me to figure it out later and to go the heck to sleep. (After asking what the hell I did and I get a sinking feeling in my chest.)
-And then I briefly go back to the document (google doc) only to she “Belle, I love you but-“ and then I immediately click it off.
-You might be able to guess what happened next. I’m sorry this post is so long. 🙃 #SocialAnxiety #SuicideTheRippleEffect? #Selfharm #ToxicPeople

It seems to happen all of a sudden; but it’s from a repetition of hard work on self improvement. Today, as if by a miracle, I have my teeth brushed before 8am rolls around and went onward with laundry 🧺 (opening up the door to bring in the sunshine & fresh air helped).
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It’s been 6 years since my dad died and just months since my ex-spouse died. Six years ago I would just cry and stare at water, trying to convince myself to drink it - to take that little step at living. My dad had died and I divorced. I don’t want to be like that again. So I’m trying every single little thing I can to stay as healthy as possible ♥️ #Grief #SuicideLoss #SuicideTheRippleEffect #progress #stepbystep #DepressionAndMentalHealth #Selfcare

#SuicideTheRippleEffect

In 2017 an old high school classmate and I reconnected and began to date. Over the next few months a few things would come to light that would test our relationship; namely his anxiety, depression, and alcoholism. None of that gave me pause though. I loved Matt more than I had ever loved another man. Something about our connection… our love – it was more genuine than anything I had ever experienced.
 
He was an amazing man. He supported me in ways that I had never had before – but had always longed for. He made sure that I was able to present at a national conference in my field last June. As I was driving to Washington DC I was listening to a favorite album. When “Be the Man” came on it hit my heart. It described how I viewed everything Matt was trying to do to be better for me, for us, for himself. I texted him a link to the song so he could listen to it, and included the lyrics. 
 
Matt was at work when I sent the message to him. He was known to be wear his heart on his sleeve – and the message was emotional for him, too. He was my cheerleader that whole trip – pumping me up for my presentation. I remember wanting to take my time getting home because the scenery was so beautiful, but my heart hated being away from him for too long. I rushed home, looking forward to seeing him, hearing his voice, and feeling his arms around me. 
 
We got engaged in February of last year. I’d love to tell you that we had our fairytale wedding, but that never happened. In October of last year Matt took his own life in our home. We’d had our ups and downs during the year we were together, but my love never faltered. I never doubted that we would spend our lives together. I just didn’t realize that “the rest of our lives” would be so short. Those last 5 weeks I felt so blessed because I knew for sure I had found my soulmate. 
 
Matt and I didn’t have a forever, but it doesn’t change how much I loved him – still love him. I’m sure I’ll always love him. He became part of my heart, part of my soul. I miss him so badly it hurts. I’m sorry he didn’t see in himself what I saw in him. To me he was the sun and moon. He was the love that flowed through my body. He was the support that drove me to keep going during tough times. He was my best friend. 
 
I’ve slowly but surely began to listen to that album again. Most times I cry, but there are times when I listen and smile, thinking about the sunshine he brought into my life. The one thing Matt was able to do that no one else has… He made me remember who I am. He made me see what I can do. He made me so my potential. He reminded me that I don’t need permission to be myself, to live how I want, and to always be happy. And now when I listen to those songs – I’ll remember his words.