thepeculiarpastorswife

What do you think is worse
To be fully afflicted with insanity
Or just enough to understand
That normalcy is inaccessible to you

For everyone to know you’re mad
And take you as you are
Or kill yourself to appear plain
A madman caged in fear

To lend commiseration
And yet be fully you
Or to lower expectations
From the awful that is true

You simply cannot understand
The me that terrorizes
Every other waking day
The painful lewd surprises

Worthless, unwanted, a failure-immature
I move on heinous pains of emptiness
I press back on the walls of degradation
I want to be more but move toward less

It will never end
The battle of me vs me
I don’t know which I want to win
To feel alive or safe within

To rush toward pure, with some disdain
To fall toward risks of the deranged
To lose my mind but gain my soul
Or lose my soul and gain control

Each of me I grant the stage
Each of me is richly paid
The thoughts of darkness subtly linger
The rising Phoenix, the repressed dreamer

I see you, you know
All of you
The unsaid words
The ignorant muse

The patterns give you all away
Pathetic beggars who cannot pay
You touch and tease the predator
Then act surprised to become prey

I read their bodies
I hear their voices
Like the angels are pinning my eyes open
And the demons are whispering revelations

Revelations

I don’t want to see
But I must
I am unwell
What will I do

I don’t want to see
I just want be

Please
Pathetic
Insane
Brilliant

Only in my eyes
Only if you’re looking
Only if you’re listening
Can you hear her
Can you see

I’m dangerous
Even to me

#thepeculiarpastorswife #duplicity #secretbipolar #closetbipolar #conflicted #hazardtomyself #Bipolar2 #MightyPoets

Rushing toward connection
But connecting with the pain
Surrounded and excluded
Excluded by the fame

Old wounds cry out renewed
The sound undignified
Wandering in loneliness
My grief is magnified

Is nothing really real
Or is real really nothing
Are we all just treading water
Hoping that the air is bluffing

Is it all sick tragic longing
To belong there safely in
Begging for a fantasy
Of friendship without end

Instead we brace for violence
Friendly fires deceptions prove
You say you’ll stay while leaving
Your affection’s on the move

So breath your raging niceties
And hoard your false devotion
Shall I let this meager offering
Sustain my souls corrosion

I hate what I should love
Not trusting true remaining true
Love your God and then love others
But the others won’t love you

#thepeculiarpastorswife #Friendship #lonely #belonging #Relationships #hurt #Bipolar2 #MightyPoets