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    The Affliction (Poem)

    What do you think is worse
    To be fully afflicted with insanity
    Or just enough to understand
    That normalcy is inaccessible to you

    For everyone to know you’re mad
    And take you as you are
    Or kill yourself to appear plain
    A madman caged in fear

    To lend commiseration
    And yet be fully you
    Or to lower expectations
    From the awful that is true

    You simply cannot understand
    The me that terrorizes
    Every other waking day
    The painful lewd surprises

    Worthless, unwanted, a failure-immature
    I move on heinous pains of emptiness
    I press back on the walls of degradation
    I want to be more but move toward less

    It will never end
    The battle of me vs me
    I don’t know which I want to win
    To feel alive or safe within

    To rush toward pure, with some disdain
    To fall toward risks of the deranged
    To lose my mind but gain my soul
    Or lose my soul and gain control

    Each of me I grant the stage
    Each of me is richly paid
    The thoughts of darkness subtly linger
    The rising Phoenix, the repressed dreamer

    I see you, you know
    All of you
    The unsaid words
    The ignorant muse

    The patterns give you all away
    Pathetic beggars who cannot pay
    You touch and tease the predator
    Then act surprised to become prey

    I read their bodies
    I hear their voices
    Like the angels are pinning my eyes open
    And the demons are whispering revelations


    I don’t want to see
    But I must
    I am unwell
    What will I do

    I don’t want to see
    I just want be


    Only in my eyes
    Only if you’re looking
    Only if you’re listening
    Can you hear her
    Can you see

    I’m dangerous
    Even to me

    #thepeculiarpastorswife #duplicity #secretbipolar #closetbipolar #conflicted #hazardtomyself #Bipolar2 #MightyPoets


    Hungry for Genuine Friendships (Poem)

    Rushing toward connection
    But connecting with the pain
    Surrounded and excluded
    Excluded by the fame

    Old wounds cry out renewed
    The sound undignified
    Wandering in loneliness
    My grief is magnified

    Is nothing really real
    Or is real really nothing
    Are we all just treading water
    Hoping that the air is bluffing

    Is it all sick tragic longing
    To belong there safely in
    Begging for a fantasy
    Of friendship without end

    Instead we brace for violence
    Friendly fires deceptions prove
    You say you’ll stay while leaving
    Your affection’s on the move

    So breath your raging niceties
    And hoard your false devotion
    Shall I let this meager offering
    Sustain my souls corrosion

    I hate what I should love
    Not trusting true remaining true
    Love your God and then love others
    But the others won’t love you

    #thepeculiarpastorswife #Friendship #lonely #belonging #Relationships #hurt #Bipolar2 #MightyPoets

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