traumabonds

I took my sleep meds at 7pm and didn't get to sleep until after 10pm. And I woke up at 145am needing to pee. I had a nightmare about my ex girlfriend having sex with the girl she's going to the party with on Saturday. I woke up crying.

We're not together anymore. She can do whatever she wants with whoever she desires. It's just I've helped her with so much over the last year. I've paid hundreds of dollars to help her. She says I'm the only person helping her aside from her employer.

And how does she repay me? By cracking a joke about me having trauma bonds. She abused me before she came out of the closet as a trans woman. She used to be very cruel to me. But after starting estrogen, she became much nicer. She became the person who I originally fell in love with.

I guess part of me thought if I was good to her, if I was supportive and loving and there for her during tough times, she might see my value and want to get back together with me. I love her so much. I want to see her happy and thriving. And now I guess she is, just not with me. Maybe I should have been more specific when I asked the universe to help her get back on track.

I keep falling in love with people that don't want me. Or are monogamous. I have a crush on one of my friends that I talk to every day. I'm trying to push past my feelings and focus on the friendship but she's wonderful and cares about me. We are supportive of each other.

I guess I'm looking for emotional companionship since I'm asexual. It's really hard to find people who are interested in a relationship that doesn't involve physical intimacy. But there's so much stuff to do together. Sex doesn't define a relationship, at least it shouldn't.

I feel very sad. My heart hurts. I need to get back to sleep but instead I'm chain smoking and crying. This is so stupid. Feelings are stupid. I wish I could go numb.

#Relationships #Depression #traumabonds #CheckInWithMe

It’s been 3 days since I completely pulled the pin on negotiating any kind of relationship with my mother, and my children. I lasted a bit over a month, then tried to arrange for my kids to see her, it didn’t work she threw a 2 yr old tantrum then sent her flying monkey after me (my auntie, whom I will never speak to again). Didn’t stop there attacked my partner, in an attempt to break us up.

She almost broke me, but I’m stronger and wiser now, and I’ll be f%@ked if I’ll let her ruin the amazing life I’ve built here for my kids and myself.

Just venting sorry folks