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    I did it #Travel #Vacation

    I did it. I went on my trip. It didn't all work out as I had envisioned, but it went quite smoothly and I think it was a good risk. I struggled a lot with the food choices, so mealtimes always brought some anxiety, but it was nice to be in a bubble for a few days, often without phone or internet signals. I was able to have conversations with other travelers, and since they were fairly brief I didn't feel too uncomfortable or pushed to share anything too personal.

    This was my first time traveling in 3 years, since I had to leave my masters program in Finland due to rapidly declining mental health. I am definitely in a better place than I was then, and since Covid made everyone's worlds become much smaller I wasn't the only one with little to show for the past few years.

    The vacation did bring up a few things:
    1) I have to get out of this city/region. Living here just makes my anxiety worse because of fear that I might unexpectedly run into my ex one day.

    2) I don't like my job. I haven't let myself even think in such a definitive way about my job before this trip, but now I am sure. I need to find a new job.

    3) I have a habit of "mirroring" people. If someone struck up a conversation with me on the trip, I caught myself watching them for cues about what to talk about, what emotions to express, and when to leave the conversation. It was very hard for me to end the conversation on my own, even if I had to go to the bathroom or needed to move on to the next event. I've been talking about boundaries with my therapist lately and I think this is connected.

    4) Although this trip was a big change in my routine and represented a big step forward, I am still not ready to fully re-engage in life. I need a safe bubble of people, routines, and work. I'm not sure how to create that with simultaneously needing to move and change my job, but I know I need to.

    I got back home yesterday and fell into bed. It's been nearly 24 hours and I have mostly been just lying in bed or sleeping. I have the impulse to do things like deep clean my apartment, but I just keep lying there. I was able to get some long overdue things done before the trip because of the deadline, but now it feels like I am just going to slide back into the muck and mire of life here.

    In the end, I'm glad I took the trip and had some time off work. I'm glad it didn't result in any panic attacks. I'm glad I was able to interact with strangers in a way that felt safe. I'm glad that I didn't just stay home in my apartment for a week.

    #MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #narcissisticabusesurvivor #Winter #Vacation #goals

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    Isolation / Avoidant Attachment / Boundaries ?

    The image says: "My past is an armor I cannot take off, no matter how many times you tell me the war is over." -- Jessica Katoff

    My therapist offhandedly said something about avoidant attachment style a few weeks ago and it totally changed how I think of myself and made me realize how I am really experiencing the world.
    I was always the good kid who did the right thing and helped others. I wasn't wildly popular, but just a solid *nice* person. Up until very recently, I would have told you I was a "people pleaser", and really needed the approval and love of others.
    It turns out I have some serious anger raging inside of me that I never knew was there - and it is anger toward all those people I was nice to, all those people I helped, all those people I smiled at and befriended. All the people I listened to. All the people I never said "no" to. All the people who never *saw* me.
    My last boyfriend told me all the time how he had never felt so well understood by anyone in his entire life until he met me. How could I tell him that I didn't feel at all the same about him?
    I don't know how to stop this angry part of me from putting up a barrier to protect myself after decades of no one even bothering to notice that I might have reason to be angry and that I was in fact angry. I don't know how to switch my thinking from "boundaries" to "giant flaming wall" because I'm angry that I spent all my time and energy understanding other people so well and they never did the same for me.
    I don't even know if this post makes sense, but it is such a wild mind shift for me that I am struggling to know how to think or process things these days. Thanks for reading and for being there.

    #Isolation #avoidantattachment #boundaries #Relationships #Therapy #MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #spiritualabuse #EmotionalAbuse #narcissisticabusesurvivor #Family #angry


    Stress at Work #overwhelmed

    My boss is away sick again and it's just me in the office. This time of year is extremely busy and I am so stressed. I just want to curl up in a ball under my desk and cry and then take a nap. I'm already getting super anxious about her three week holiday in August.
    I'm trying to focus on one task at a time, but the phone keeps ringing and bringing me new urgent situations.
    I'm chewing some intensely minty gum and drinking very cold water to try to help me stay present and focus, but I'm not coping super well.

    #Work #Stress #Depression #Anxiety #emotionalabusesurvivor #narcissisticabusesurvivor #CopingTips


    If you love me, leave me alone

    I've been isolating myself over the past couple years and I'm now at a point where I pretty much only talk with my sister outside of necessary work relationships. As some friends and family members who I have stopped communicating with occasionally message me, I start to feel panicky and suffocated.
    I recognize that this is most likely a trauma response as my narcissistic ex was such an all-consuming presence, under the guise of love. It's been nearly ten years since I got out of that relationship, but it still feels like relational attachment or commitment is controlling and trapping me. I can't get myself to differentiate between healthy and unhealthy attachment in this regard, and therapy hasn't helped so far.
    When I'm feeling triggered and in a heightened state of hypervigilance, any person approaching me face to face or virtually results in a whimpering "please go away, please go away, please go away" in my head. I don't want to be close to people who care about me because it just feels suffocating and I can't deal with it, even though I know they can probably help me.

    #Relationships #FamilyAndFriends #Trauma #PTSD #narcissisticabusesurvivor #EmotionalAbuse #MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety


    I think I'm losing my #Therapist again

    My therapist has been ghosting me this week and then she finally responded to me today saying that her mental health has been poor and that she's sorry for her absence. And that was it.
    Like, what do I do now? Are you telling me you are taking time off? That you'll be back tomorrow? That you can or cannot provide me with the support I pay you to provide??
    I am proud of myself for being assertive about my needs, but I also feel bad for piling on my therapist when she is obviously not doing well. But then I also think about how I as a professional have responsibilities to my clients, which includes monitoring my own mental health and managing my work load accordingly/slash communicating expectations. I know I don't always do it perfectly, and I don't expect perfection, but it would be nice not to feel like *I* need to support my therapist instead of the other way around.
    I haven't been coping very well with this situation today and have made some bad decisions because of it. It's hard to want to keep trying...

    #CheckInWithMe #Therapy #selfsabotage #Depression #Anxiety #PTSD #narcissisticabusesurvivor


    A dream about my ex

    I just woke up from a dream about my ex. He is a narcissist. I have had no contact with him since 2013, but somehow he shows up in my dreams. I hate this!
    It feels like I can't fully break free from him even after such a long time. How is he still in my head?? How can I get him out?
    Not the start to 2022 that I wanted...

    #Dream #nightmare #Ex #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder #narcissisticabusesurvivor #EmotionalAbuse #mentalabuse #spiritualabuse #Trauma #Depression #Anxiety #PTSD

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    It was a big deal...#CPTSD #PTSD #BipolarDisorder #narcissisticabusesurvivor

    I started to write another post then realized I was hiding. If I start to hide on The Mighty, I’m in trouble. This has been the one place I can take off my mask. I have C-PTSD. Mom was a narcissist. She had other issues too (alcoholism, bipolar, etc.), and there was some sexual abuse from brothers, but the biggest damages were brought on by the narcissism. It took me a long time to accept or even agree that there was trauma left by the narcissism. But I find I feel like apologizing. Or backing up and not saying anything about the trauma. Or the damage. Because what really happened? Some words were said? My feelings were hurt? I was ignored? That’s what I think other people are thinking. Boohoo. But. I really do struggle. I have horrific flashbacks. They can debilitate me for days. It isn’t the purpose of this post to define narcissistic abuse. And yet I feel I need to. It feels like not explaining it, the reader is left to their own definition. And what if the reader doesn’t know anything about narcissism? They can’t know the depth of the injury brought about by this kind of abuse. I want to apologize for claiming to have a mental illness because of how I was talked to, how I was ignored, how I was shamed. It keeps coming back to the same thing. The thing I told my therapist three years ago when I first started working with him. “It wasn’t that bad.” And there’s the harm. There’s the injury. I was taught, it was drilled into my head, nothing that happened in my abusive childhood home was that bad. It just wasn’t a big deal. And that lie has done more damage maybe than anything. “It wasn’t a big deal.” Yes, it was a big deal. It was a very big deal.


    Depression and the daily routine

    I'm newly divorced, having survived a 20 yr marriage with a narcissistic, cheating husband. I have three kids. Im on two antidepressants and I still cannot function. I barely make it through work and by the time I get home, there is zero energy for cooking, cleaning etc. Every single thing is so overwhelming. Anyone havi g a similar experience? #Depression #narcissisticabusesurvivor


    Going through a rough end of relationship with maybe one of my FPs

    This is my first post here cause i searched on how to deal with the end of a relationship for someone with BPD and i found this app :)
    I had to put an end to this relationship,that had become only a meeting for a night or two with a person i tried to and had a relationship many times,with a come and go that hurted me every time even more,creating a sort of dipendence by him.Also he has many narcissistic ways to bring me back to him. But now that there’s no coming back,i feel like i should be feeeling free and relieved by the lost of the weight of this toxic relationship,but in reality i’m not. I still feel like i’m not worthy of living anymore,that i need constant romantic validation.I hate myself for the fact that i couldn’t let him go sooner or that while he has already moved on i know that because of my BPD it will take my much a longer time.We were trauma bonded,and that i think was one of the many reasons things between us couldn’t work.
    I feel hopeless,like i lost myself,but i know that this feeling is temporary.
    I realized that i gave myself to him so much that i couldn’t give myself time to appriciate myself and love myself more. Dealing with these much intensity of emotions it’s feeling like it’s killing me,but because it’s my first time dealing with this kind of ending i really don’t know what to do and i’m looking for someone who can kinda give me some advice on moving on and giving myself love when i’m used to give my all to others :))

    love u all xx
    #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Breakups #bpdsymptoms #narcissisticabusesurvivor