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Wanna know what brings me joy?

Conversationally questioning my narcissistic parents for the way they abused me as an undiagnosed child on the spectrum, and watching them run away in fear of facing they’re wrong doings. Too bad I didn’t get to run away as a child though, they demanded I stay put while they basically berated me for being neurodivergent 🙄. It’s oddly cathartic and healing my inner demons. The more I heal the stronger I feel! #narcissisticabusesurvivor #MentalHealth #ChronicIllness #warrior

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Rembering the good and the bad #narcissisticabusesurvivor #CPTSD #PTSD #neurodivergent

Today would have been the 2 year anniversary for my Narcissistic X and I. I was was planning on proposing to her today. I was discarded in January (on my 40th birthday). I had the proposal all planned out before that. I went to the hiking trail that we loved to bike. I walked it alone for the first time since she left me. It was sad and cathartic. I played back so many memories and then rembering all the abuse just before the discard. The abuse, her rewriting our history so she is the victim in everything and the threats of false accusations are still being held over my head.
It is a day full of mixed emotions, but I know I am better without her in my life.

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I did it #Travel #Vacation

I did it. I went on my trip. It didn't all work out as I had envisioned, but it went quite smoothly and I think it was a good risk. I struggled a lot with the food choices, so mealtimes always brought some anxiety, but it was nice to be in a bubble for a few days, often without phone or internet signals. I was able to have conversations with other travelers, and since they were fairly brief I didn't feel too uncomfortable or pushed to share anything too personal.

This was my first time traveling in 3 years, since I had to leave my masters program in Finland due to rapidly declining mental health. I am definitely in a better place than I was then, and since Covid made everyone's worlds become much smaller I wasn't the only one with little to show for the past few years.

The vacation did bring up a few things:
1) I have to get out of this city/region. Living here just makes my anxiety worse because of fear that I might unexpectedly run into my ex one day.

2) I don't like my job. I haven't let myself even think in such a definitive way about my job before this trip, but now I am sure. I need to find a new job.

3) I have a habit of "mirroring" people. If someone struck up a conversation with me on the trip, I caught myself watching them for cues about what to talk about, what emotions to express, and when to leave the conversation. It was very hard for me to end the conversation on my own, even if I had to go to the bathroom or needed to move on to the next event. I've been talking about boundaries with my therapist lately and I think this is connected.

4) Although this trip was a big change in my routine and represented a big step forward, I am still not ready to fully re-engage in life. I need a safe bubble of people, routines, and work. I'm not sure how to create that with simultaneously needing to move and change my job, but I know I need to.

I got back home yesterday and fell into bed. It's been nearly 24 hours and I have mostly been just lying in bed or sleeping. I have the impulse to do things like deep clean my apartment, but I just keep lying there. I was able to get some long overdue things done before the trip because of the deadline, but now it feels like I am just going to slide back into the muck and mire of life here.

In the end, I'm glad I took the trip and had some time off work. I'm glad it didn't result in any panic attacks. I'm glad I was able to interact with strangers in a way that felt safe. I'm glad that I didn't just stay home in my apartment for a week.

#MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #narcissisticabusesurvivor #Winter #Vacation #goals

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Isolation / Avoidant Attachment / Boundaries ?

The image says: "My past is an armor I cannot take off, no matter how many times you tell me the war is over." -- Jessica Katoff

My therapist offhandedly said something about avoidant attachment style a few weeks ago and it totally changed how I think of myself and made me realize how I am really experiencing the world.
I was always the good kid who did the right thing and helped others. I wasn't wildly popular, but just a solid *nice* person. Up until very recently, I would have told you I was a "people pleaser", and really needed the approval and love of others.
It turns out I have some serious anger raging inside of me that I never knew was there - and it is anger toward all those people I was nice to, all those people I helped, all those people I smiled at and befriended. All the people I listened to. All the people I never said "no" to. All the people who never *saw* me.
My last boyfriend told me all the time how he had never felt so well understood by anyone in his entire life until he met me. How could I tell him that I didn't feel at all the same about him?
I don't know how to stop this angry part of me from putting up a barrier to protect myself after decades of no one even bothering to notice that I might have reason to be angry and that I was in fact angry. I don't know how to switch my thinking from "boundaries" to "giant flaming wall" because I'm angry that I spent all my time and energy understanding other people so well and they never did the same for me.
I don't even know if this post makes sense, but it is such a wild mind shift for me that I am struggling to know how to think or process things these days. Thanks for reading and for being there.

#Isolation #avoidantattachment #boundaries #Relationships #Therapy #MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #spiritualabuse #EmotionalAbuse #narcissisticabusesurvivor #Family #angry


Stress at Work #overwhelmed

My boss is away sick again and it's just me in the office. This time of year is extremely busy and I am so stressed. I just want to curl up in a ball under my desk and cry and then take a nap. I'm already getting super anxious about her three week holiday in August.
I'm trying to focus on one task at a time, but the phone keeps ringing and bringing me new urgent situations.
I'm chewing some intensely minty gum and drinking very cold water to try to help me stay present and focus, but I'm not coping super well.

#Work #Stress #Depression #Anxiety #emotionalabusesurvivor #narcissisticabusesurvivor #CopingTips


If you love me, leave me alone

I've been isolating myself over the past couple years and I'm now at a point where I pretty much only talk with my sister outside of necessary work relationships. As some friends and family members who I have stopped communicating with occasionally message me, I start to feel panicky and suffocated.
I recognize that this is most likely a trauma response as my narcissistic ex was such an all-consuming presence, under the guise of love. It's been nearly ten years since I got out of that relationship, but it still feels like relational attachment or commitment is controlling and trapping me. I can't get myself to differentiate between healthy and unhealthy attachment in this regard, and therapy hasn't helped so far.
When I'm feeling triggered and in a heightened state of hypervigilance, any person approaching me face to face or virtually results in a whimpering "please go away, please go away, please go away" in my head. I don't want to be close to people who care about me because it just feels suffocating and I can't deal with it, even though I know they can probably help me.

#Relationships #FamilyAndFriends #Trauma #PTSD #narcissisticabusesurvivor #EmotionalAbuse #MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety


I think I'm losing my #Therapist again

My therapist has been ghosting me this week and then she finally responded to me today saying that her mental health has been poor and that she's sorry for her absence. And that was it.
Like, what do I do now? Are you telling me you are taking time off? That you'll be back tomorrow? That you can or cannot provide me with the support I pay you to provide??
I am proud of myself for being assertive about my needs, but I also feel bad for piling on my therapist when she is obviously not doing well. But then I also think about how I as a professional have responsibilities to my clients, which includes monitoring my own mental health and managing my work load accordingly/slash communicating expectations. I know I don't always do it perfectly, and I don't expect perfection, but it would be nice not to feel like *I* need to support my therapist instead of the other way around.
I haven't been coping very well with this situation today and have made some bad decisions because of it. It's hard to want to keep trying...

#CheckInWithMe #Therapy #selfsabotage #Depression #Anxiety #PTSD #narcissisticabusesurvivor


A dream about my ex

I just woke up from a dream about my ex. He is a narcissist. I have had no contact with him since 2013, but somehow he shows up in my dreams. I hate this!
It feels like I can't fully break free from him even after such a long time. How is he still in my head?? How can I get him out?
Not the start to 2022 that I wanted...

#Dream #nightmare #Ex #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder #narcissisticabusesurvivor #EmotionalAbuse #mentalabuse #spiritualabuse #Trauma #Depression #Anxiety #PTSD

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It was a big deal...#CPTSD #PTSD #BipolarDisorder #narcissisticabusesurvivor

I started to write another post then realized I was hiding. If I start to hide on The Mighty, I’m in trouble. This has been the one place I can take off my mask. I have C-PTSD. Mom was a narcissist. She had other issues too (alcoholism, bipolar, etc.), and there was some sexual abuse from brothers, but the biggest damages were brought on by the narcissism. It took me a long time to accept or even agree that there was trauma left by the narcissism. But I find I feel like apologizing. Or backing up and not saying anything about the trauma. Or the damage. Because what really happened? Some words were said? My feelings were hurt? I was ignored? That’s what I think other people are thinking. Boohoo. But. I really do struggle. I have horrific flashbacks. They can debilitate me for days. It isn’t the purpose of this post to define narcissistic abuse. And yet I feel I need to. It feels like not explaining it, the reader is left to their own definition. And what if the reader doesn’t know anything about narcissism? They can’t know the depth of the injury brought about by this kind of abuse. I want to apologize for claiming to have a mental illness because of how I was talked to, how I was ignored, how I was shamed. It keeps coming back to the same thing. The thing I told my therapist three years ago when I first started working with him. “It wasn’t that bad.” And there’s the harm. There’s the injury. I was taught, it was drilled into my head, nothing that happened in my abusive childhood home was that bad. It just wasn’t a big deal. And that lie has done more damage maybe than anything. “It wasn’t a big deal.” Yes, it was a big deal. It was a very big deal.