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My feelings, My family, and My old enemy.. I need to let it out before i overthink everything
Remember those feelings when they say “fly as high as you can”, you feel powerful, confident and relieve, because after 29yrs living this set up life, you finally have a way out to live your life you desire. Feeling excited, you’ll never guess what’s waiting for you on the process.
Here i am, standing in front of an open door, ready to take my next step to study abroad. The next challenge is IELTS test that I’ve been preparing for past few months. Never I imagine, my brother speaks up and against my decision. I don’t feel any betrayal, because i know he’s being reasonable, I just don’t expect he’d brutally killed the fire inside me. Lately he’s been convincing my dad to not let me continue my study because it will cost lots of money, and no one can guarantee i’ll be successful in the future. He prefer I stayed, find a new job and give up my dream, play safe. His words start to grow inside me.
Once again, i doubt myself. That useless feeling, “i’m not worthy”, and “i’m a burden” start to fill my heart and mind. What if he’s right? In some way, maybe i’ll fail and waste all the money they invested in me, maybe I’ll disappoint my family, or maybe i am nothing.Lately I’ve been having a hard time to find the reason to keep pursuing my dreams. The worse part, all the suicidal thoughts have been filling my night, maybe my family will be better without me around, i’m a “reject”, i am a burden to my own family. Should I stop and stay? All this feelings keep dragging me to give up. I don’t even trust myself anymore. I can’t find the reason to keep going.
I have to make my final decision next week, to go or not to go.. let go and deal with my own feelings or go pursue my dream and forever argues with people i care.. #disappointment #AfraidofFailure #scared #SuicidalThoughts #NegativeThoughts #FamilyTrauma #overthinking
