afraid

I always make ocean metaphors because that’s the place I connect to the most. The uncertainty, the depths no one has discovered yet, the ever changing tides,and the solitude of it. People have seen and studied the ocean but still no one really knows it. If you swim out to far only you can save your self. I feel like I’m constantly treading water sometimes sharks circle threatening my every movement. Other times I start to sink and I try to remember why I need to keep treading instead of falling into the ease of sinking. Is it because I’m scared I’ll slowly start to drown ? Will a shark attack me while I’m weak ? Will I be rescued every part of me says no. I need to save myself . Am I the swimmer or am I the ocean , I think I’m just afraid.

A couple months ago I was honest with my therapist about some very negative feelings and thoughts. We made a safety plan which included calling her or the hotline if it got bad again. I am having a very bad day, am alone, and everyone I know is busy. I'm trying to distract myself but just can't today. I keep wanting to call them, but don't know what words to say. I don't want to disappoint them or waste their time.

I’ve fought 8 long years for health. In that time I’ve been dismissed, let down, told nothing was wrong and left to my own defenses. I’ve suffered from depression and anxiety since I was 32, now 56 I’ve had a total abdominal colectomy with IRA in 2017, failed… only to get an ileostomy with hope for regaining health and weight in 2021. Now at 87 pounds, I’ve lost hope, doctors fail me, no offer of tube feeding or supplemental feeding, I can’t eat without pain, now on pain medication. Still I suffer. I’m at a loss, I’m trying to make each day count, I’m grateful for the life I’ve lived, but I’m not ready to go yet. I’m scared, yet I don’t have the energy to even attempt to go to doctors appointments with any hope, as they continue to fail me. I don’t understand why others are given help and the doctors I see won’t do a thing! I feel like I’ve just been left to wither away and die.

I am 27 years old. My current situation in life is so weird at the moment. I don’t know what to do or what to think. My boyfriend (who is 25) works full time remotely. His pay is more than decent. I on the other hand have no job. Sort of. I work part time at a bookshop. Mostly on weekends. I was pressured into finding a job. I did. Now I’m being told to find a better, full time job with much better pay. I can tell that if I won’t, my boyfriend will leave me. So, in my mind, I don’t think I have the capability and mentality to underhold a full time job. I don’t think I have that strength. Even getting up early in the morning to work on the weekends is hard enough already. Also i forgot to mention, we live with his parents. His mom recently underwent a huge surgery and still recovering, his dad is kinda losing it. He also has depression and anxiety and being manic. Now being in the household with all this down, negative energy is really getting to me. It makes it hard for me. I am afraid my relationship is in jeapordy. I don’t know what to do. I am afraid. #gettingajob #findingajob #Lifeishard #Growingup #Life #Depression #Anxiety #underpressure #Pressure #afraid

Still trying to regain my balance after a horrible attack Sunday evening, and periodic aftershocks ever since. Just need to hear some care and support from #myMighties . #Fibromyalgia #afraid #Spoonie #exhausted