afraid

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My #Daydream seems like a #nightmare

I have a #Daydream where I find the right #Job and lose my #unemployment and work 40 hours a week. It sounds like a #nightmare because a 40 hour work week is #scary for me. It takes away so much time from #Selfcare and #Recovery that it brings me to a point of #tears .

I began to do the whole #comparing myself to others and #Wondering why I could not be like another. I truly feel #helpless whenever I become #jobless

It is difficult for me to find a #Job that can work with a #Disability and not feel #stigmitized by my #employer secretly. I feel like I am this cat in the photo, in my own #World where everything around me is just blowing up. It is not that I do not #Care anymore, but it is that there is only so much I can do. I might as well take normal pictures along the way and try to be as #normal in my #Abnormal world possible.

Perhaps a "vocational" center will be #helpfull in finding a #Career rather than just a job... But I do not know how much #Stigma exists. I suppose I am just #afraid and at the same time #Brave for keeping applying and trying.

Wish me #luck !

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Caught in the middle

I’ve been waiting to get this off my chest since this past weekend. But have been afraid too.

Once a month I go to these furry meetups with friends and I look forward to these however there is this guy there that usually cosplays which is different than fursuiting. Anyway, I don’t know him and he somehow figured out my full name and address about six months ago and has been writing to me. My parents don’t find anything weird about how he got this information. In fact they think it’s cute. He was filling me around the meet which was annoying and gave me a valentine this past weekend and it’s obvious that he likes me. With the items that were gifted to me.

As I write this out it almost doesn’t sound real. But it is and it’s super frustrating. I’m bummed out because I’ve always wanted a penpal but not like this.

The leader of the furry meetups found out about this guy’s stalker behavior and has officially banned him from coming back to events and if he still attends police will be called. I’ve been contacted by so many of the other furries within this group about what I know and what’s been going on I feel terrible. Like by finally speaking up and out I’m wrong. I’m so lost and confused and feel cause in the middle of this. Because it’s obvious he bothers more than just me.

Anyway thank for listening. Here’s a picture of my cat #CheckInWithMe #ChronicDepression #Depression #Anxiety #AnxietyAttack #afraid

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All. #alone this #Christmas #day

When chronic pain has a person, such as myself, nearly completely homebound & bedridden, living alone can surely be a big issue. #Cats are purrrfect companions, not having to be walked & go in the litter pan. I am holding onto #Hope , using every bit of might I have in me. Hurts trying so hard, for so long, continuously in the face of frustration & disapointment. I #Need to hold on, for I am to the point of extreme & exaggerated #desperation . & this being my first Christmas without her, it's reached its peak today. I'm a little #afraid to #Lose all Hope at this point. Well. Wishing a Happy Merry Christmas for us all. At least May it be the the #best we can make it. #atleast . 🙏
#MightyTogether

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Afraid #lonelythoughts #Poetry #afraid

I always make ocean metaphors because that’s the place I connect to the most. The uncertainty, the depths no one has discovered yet, the ever changing tides,and the solitude of it. People have seen and studied the ocean but still no one really knows it. If you swim out to far only you can save your self. I feel like I’m constantly treading water sometimes sharks circle threatening my every movement. Other times I start to sink and I try to remember why I need to keep treading instead of falling into the ease of sinking. Is it because I’m scared I’ll slowly start to drown ? Will a shark attack me while I’m weak ? Will I be rescued every part of me says no. I need to save myself . Am I the swimmer or am I the ocean , I think I’m just afraid.

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Scared to call... #Anxiety #MentalHealth #afraid #CommunicationDisorders #AnxietyAttack

A couple months ago I was honest with my therapist about some very negative feelings and thoughts. We made a safety plan which included calling her or the hotline if it got bad again. I am having a very bad day, am alone, and everyone I know is busy. I'm trying to distract myself but just can't today. I keep wanting to call them, but don't know what words to say. I don't want to disappoint them or waste their time.

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Lost #ChronicIllness #Depression #Anxiety #afraid #needhelp #TPN #FeedingTube #MissouriHealthCareSucks

I’ve fought 8 long years for health. In that time I’ve been dismissed, let down, told nothing was wrong and left to my own defenses. I’ve suffered from depression and anxiety since I was 32, now 56 I’ve had a total abdominal colectomy with IRA in 2017, failed… only to get an ileostomy with hope for regaining health and weight in 2021. Now at 87 pounds, I’ve lost hope, doctors fail me, no offer of tube feeding or supplemental feeding, I can’t eat without pain, now on pain medication. Still I suffer. I’m at a loss, I’m trying to make each day count, I’m grateful for the life I’ve lived, but I’m not ready to go yet. I’m scared, yet I don’t have the energy to even attempt to go to doctors appointments with any hope, as they continue to fail me. I don’t understand why others are given help and the doctors I see won’t do a thing! I feel like I’ve just been left to wither away and die.

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Being pressured to find a full time job.

I am 27 years old. My current situation in life is so weird at the moment. I don’t know what to do or what to think. My boyfriend (who is 25) works full time remotely. His pay is more than decent. I on the other hand have no job. Sort of. I work part time at a bookshop. Mostly on weekends. I was pressured into finding a job. I did. Now I’m being told to find a better, full time job with much better pay. I can tell that if I won’t, my boyfriend will leave me. So, in my mind, I don’t think I have the capability and mentality to underhold a full time job. I don’t think I have that strength. Even getting up early in the morning to work on the weekends is hard enough already. Also i forgot to mention, we live with his parents. His mom recently underwent a huge surgery and still recovering, his dad is kinda losing it. He also has depression and anxiety and being manic. Now being in the household with all this down, negative energy is really getting to me. It makes it hard for me. I am afraid my relationship is in jeapordy. I don’t know what to do. I am afraid. #gettingajob #findingajob #Lifeishard #Growingup #Life #Depression #Anxiety #underpressure #Pressure #afraid

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Give it time

Some people act like/tell me they love me.. but they really don’t. I feel they only love the idea of me or what I can offer them.. otherwise they’d act like they love me even when they don’t want something… am I crazy for thinking that? Why do I get that vibe?

Every time someone says they love me, I just say… give it time.

#Anxiety #Goodenough #Depression #ChronicPain #ChronicIllness #ChronicMigraines #unwell #Music #Therapy #Love #afraid #Worried #HypothyroidismUnderactiveThyroidDisease #Endometriosis #PolycysticOvarySyndrome #Fibromyalgia #ilovethissong #newnormal #painandprayers

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Are you afraid?

Are you afraid that everything that has happened so far in your life isn’t what you will continue to be like/do? Are you afraid of falling in love? Are you afraid of living more than one person? Are you afraid of living? Are you afraid to speak your mind? Are you afraid of anything?

#afraid #Anxiety #Fear #Goodenough #Music #ChronicIllness #ChronicMigraines #Endometriosis #PolycysticOvarySyndrome #HypothyroidismUnderactiveThyroidDisease #Fibromyalgia #Medicine #Hormones #warrior #newnormal

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