FamilyTrauma

Remember those feelings when they say “fly as high as you can”, you feel powerful, confident and relieve, because after 29yrs living this set up life, you finally have a way out to live your life you desire. Feeling excited, you’ll never guess what’s waiting for you on the process.

Here i am, standing in front of an open door, ready to take my next step to study abroad. The next challenge is IELTS test that I’ve been preparing for past few months. Never I imagine, my brother speaks up and against my decision. I don’t feel any betrayal, because i know he’s being reasonable, I just don’t expect he’d brutally killed the fire inside me. Lately he’s been convincing my dad to not let me continue my study because it will cost lots of money, and no one can guarantee i’ll be successful in the future. He prefer I stayed, find a new job and give up my dream, play safe. His words start to grow inside me.

Once again, i doubt myself. That useless feeling, “i’m not worthy”, and “i’m a burden” start to fill my heart and mind. What if he’s right? In some way, maybe i’ll fail and waste all the money they invested in me, maybe I’ll disappoint my family, or maybe i am nothing.Lately I’ve been having a hard time to find the reason to keep pursuing my dreams. The worse part, all the suicidal thoughts have been filling my night, maybe my family will be better without me around, i’m a “reject”, i am a burden to my own family. Should I stop and stay? All this feelings keep dragging me to give up. I don’t even trust myself anymore. I can’t find the reason to keep going.

I have to make my final decision next week, to go or not to go.. let go and deal with my own feelings or go pursue my dream and forever argues with people i care.. #disappointment #AfraidofFailure #scared #SuicidalThoughts #NegativeThoughts #FamilyTrauma #overthinking

#FamilyTrauma sucks. I love my family. But somehow I always fear rejection during contact. I want to reach a point where this stops.

I had to come home to help my mother who broke her ankle. This is difficult for me because she and also her husband later were emotional abusing as hell. I moved out when I was 18 and now, 10 years later, it only takes 1 day to bring all these memories back. This weekend I am working my ass off to help my mother move, wash her hair, cook her meals and drove her to hospitals, pharmacy, buy groceries and clean the house while my stepdad and my brother are sitting down and doing nothing. I, myself, am suffering from high function depression, anxiety and currently also beginning of burn out (I have a really hard study), which they know about exactly, and it’s even harder to me to find time to go home (and also I just hate going there). My stepdad and my brother were invited to a birthday party tonight and so I stayed home with my mom to take care of her and her broken ankle.
When they came back, they only told my mom all the blessings and „get well soon‘s“ of the rest of the family and I wondered why I would never hear something like this. #Childhoodtrauma #FamilyTrauma #Depression #Burnout

I have had to completely block my mom out of my life after years of trying and being hurt by her manipulation, put downs, etc. and my sister never liked me since I was born despite my efforts. my dad lives across the states and isn’t well so I never get to see him unless I scrape up money to see him and am healthy enough to fly myself. I started listening to 90’s country, the only country I can listen to because it’s what my mom and step dad listened to when I was growing up in Oregon in a farm with them. although it was mostly uncertain whether I was lived or liked half the time by any of them, I somehow remember that time as the Brett time I was the happiest. and every moment there was country music playing was a good happy moment with my mom. I don’t have many but every time with music with her was good. so all I’m thinking of is the good times, easily ignoring all the bad and the radon’s why I have to be strong and not let her in, at least not until I’ve learned how to be strong enough to not let her abuse effect me any more, which isn’t yet. but time alien these I really hurt and really wish I could have that family I always hoped and tried so hard to create, which made it hurt worse when I saw the abuse that was always going to be there tearing me down and confusing me making me feel like it was somehow my fault. I know I can’t reach out and have that, maybe ever, and so I’m here making top ramen in my house I managed to own myself (it’s just a mobile home, but it’s very nice, but still all mine despite my health hurdles in life) and living along because relationships have proven impossible for me to maintain unless they’re at arms length. so I have a cat who loves me so much, which helps. I can’t stop balling though, missing those times when all I can remember was the shoot times listening to 90’s country, singing along and just trying to soak it in, knowing it would shift at a moments notice, just like always with my mom and sister. my step dad always took my moms side so I couldn’t rely on him. the only safe people was my grandmother in a different house than us. I’m just so sad right now thinking about it all. all I could think to do was to post my thoughts right now on here, even if no one gets through my ramblings that I’m pretty sure have typos and aren’t a flowing easy to read sentence structure lol.

#FamilyTrauma #idealization #Depression #Relationships

The Wizards of Waverley Place was playing as it occurred. I woke up to the sounds of it. I was already physically uncomfortable that morning; I had gone to sleep in my jeans. I woke up to the sounds of my caregivers arguing. At first, I didn’t know what it was about. I overheard the argument becoming more heated. I realised that it was about the dinner last night.

My caregiver was angry about the timings of my other caregiver, who refused to listen to her and responded callously and with total denial of her concerns. Feeling unheard, the argument intensified. My other caregiver grew more agitated, intensifying their denial and becoming more and more accusatory. I did something very wrong - I participated in the argument and blamed the victim to try and make the perpetrator calm down. It didn’t work and wasn’t a good idea.

The argument eventually devolved into violence. I had to physically force the caregiver out of the house so he wouldn’t hit my other caregiver. I felt confused and degraded, I felt guilty and traumatised. I vacated the place and told my sibling to stay away. The experience left me feeling extremely shocked. I wasn’t sure what to make of it.

My other caregiver then became resolute in the fact that they wanted to leave the marriage. I began to cry because I didn’t want them to leave us. I felt suicidal because I didn’t expect them to come up with this reaction. The experience was brutally painful as I begged my other caregiver to stay. Till this day, I bitterly, deeply, and absolutely regret this decision. They had every right to leave this abusive relationship and should have. Any children of caregivers do not have the understanding or the right to make decisions about their marriage.

The caregiver eventually relented and decided to stay. I felt painfully guilty asking them to stay because I didn’t want them to suffer more abuse. Except, that was essentially what I was signing them up for. What I should have done is leave with them and leave the abusive relationship. There was no reason for any of us to stay and that is the truth.

I wondered whether anyone I knew ever had to deal with such a situation. It is one of the situations that people would never be able to understand. The complexity of it goes beyond the understanding of people who don’t experience it. I felt belittled and trapped. I felt like I was sacrificing the wellbeing of my caregiver for my own wellbeing and felt deeply, utterly selfish. I felt like finding another family for myself.

Have you ever experienced or witnessed an incident of physical, emotional, or verbal abuse? If so, don’t be afraid to raise your voice. Let’s end the silence around abuse, our silence is our violence towards victims.

#FamilyTrauma