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Science is Bogus: The Revelation that Stunned the World

When eminent physicist Stephen Hawking announced that science is bogus and that scientific phenomena are little more than the whims of “twisted, magical gnomes, whose penchant for mischief is exceeded only by their alcoholism,” college student Jennifer Jareau was not surprised. She witnessed two of the gnomes firsthand, six days before Hawking’s shocking revelation, bullying her chemistry professor, Dr. Spencer Reid.

“After several frustrating exams, I’d gone to Dr. Reid’s office, hoping he could clarify some points about chemistry,” Jareau said. “For starters, what is chemistry? Is it a myth? The story of students who will never succeed in pushing the rock up the hill, no matter how hard they try? It ain’t understandable, whatever it is.”

When Jareau entered Reid’s office, she realized the myth was more real than she had imagined. “Dr. Reid had an executive desk toy on his desk, the one with a row of steel balls hanging in a frame. The gnomes had shoved his face into the frame, with half the balls on each side of his head, and the outermost balls taking turns thwacking the sides of his head.” Jareau starts laughing. “Sorry,” she says. “The sight of that was really funny. And the gnomes…they were funny, too. They had voices like helium, so when they were screaming at Dr. Reid, it was all kinds of awesome.”

According to Jareau, two wizened, six inch tall figures stood on Dr. Reid’s desk, berating him. “We must have more tears,” the gnomes shouted, but between their high pitched keening and the balls wedged in Dr. Reid’s ears, he could not hear them. Reid finally exclaimed, exasperated, “You need more physics for that! I am not a physicist! But this would be a fitting ordeal for one. Why don’t you shove Dr. Hawking in here?” “Fine! We will! Good day, sir,” one of the gnomes said as the other kicked Reid’s coffee cup over in a huff, soaking Reid’s papers. Then the pair ripped a hole in the fabric of reality itself, closing it behind them as they exited, as gnomes do.

Jareau continues, “After I helped Dr. Reid extract his face from the desk toy, I asked him, ‘What’s up with the gnomes?’ ‘Oh, no,’ he said. ‘If the truth comes out, my cushy professor gig will be over! Can’t let that happen.’ Then he saw his coffee drenched papers and cried, ‘My notes! How will I keep the lies straight without my notes!’ Then his hands flew up to his mouth, as if he could keep what he’d said from flying out. Then he said, ‘Of course, “cushy” is a relative term. Sometimes I yearn for the easy life of a writer.” Jareau, an English major, sighs. “If people knew that writing is 99% b.s, the cushy life I’m trying to build for myself would evaporate. We agreed not to spill the beans about each other’s phony baloney career scams. And things were great until Stephen Hawking opened his big mouth and ruined everything. Err. you know what I mean.”

Hawking’s announcement, aside from a good deal of skepticism, raised two questions. First, why Hawking? As Hawking himself puts it, “I announced the truth about science through the voice synthesizer that allows me to speak while surrounded by the machinery that keeps me alive. I will never be the most convincing spokesman for the idea that science is bogus. But every other scientist turned the gnomes down. Understandable, not wanting their sham lives exposed.”

Hawking resisted the gnomes himself, only giving in when his pride was grievously injured. “I am the smartest human being alive,” he says, “and that makes me a proud and easily humiliated man.Hawking takes a moment to collect himself. “When my daughter Lucy told me she was going to be a novelist, I could not allow her to waste her life. I put my foot down. Err, you know what I mean. Our conflict escalated until I exclaimed, ‘Lucy, I am your father!’ in the voice of Darth Vader. The gnomes messed with my voice synthesizer! Lucy collapsed on the floor, she was laughing so hard, and I knew that I had lost her respect forever. I agreed to do as the gnomes wished.” Hawking made his announcement the following night.

The second question is why did the gnomes reveal themselves at all? Dr. Reid sheds some light. “The gnomes are drunks, but the only liquor that satisfies them is distilled from the tears of frustrated students. The greater the frustration, the higher the proof, so all of ‘science’ was concocted to push student aggravation to the maximum and produce excellent gnome booze. The periodic table, e equals mc squared, sp3 hybridization, all nonsense designed to make students cry. And the system worked when students were eager to prove themselves. But when they stopped attaching their worth to accomplishment, their tears dried up and sober gnomes aren’t happy gnomes. Basically, pop psychology will doom us all.”

When asked if our doom will arise from pop psychology's contribution to the moral decay of a decadent society, Reid says, "No. What I mean is that if the bulk of the world's students aren't regularly weeping in frustration by 2029, the gnomes will crash an asteroid into the planet and kill us all. We need to focus on getting students excited about science again---and make it even more incomprehensible. Our students' failures will save us!" Reid seems taken aback by what he has just said. "Holy cow," he says, "this world is stupid!"

Jareau agrees. "So they just made science minors mandatory for everyone who isn't a science major," she says. "I was weeks away from being done with science forever! Excuse me," she says, as tears fill her eyes. "I think I'm going to cry."

#Depression #Suicide #PTSD #Trauma #MentalHealth #Disability

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Substance Abuse Appointment 📅 #Addiction #SubstanceUseDisorders #BipolarDisorder

Following on from yesterday’s post regarding my referral to a ‘Substance Abuse Therapy Centre’, here’s how it went…..
So appointment went well. They are not overly concerned about the drinking but they advised me to try and taper off the use of cocaine, if I can go cold turkey then fine, but if not then reduce my consumption bit by bit. Referring me for an ADHD assessment via my GP. Tested me for Hepatitis C and HIV so wait couple of weeks for the results. Generally speaking had a good chat with the girl, she was understanding and she listened which was refreshing. They’re going to liase with both my GP and Psychiatrist and give me the best possible support to kick these habits into touch 👌
#MentalHealth #MightyTogether #ADHD #AlcoholDependence #AlcoholAbuse #Alcoholism #Narcotics

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Substance Abuse Therapy 🍺🥃💉👃______ #BipolarDisorder #BipolarDepression #Bipolar1Disorder #Bipolar2Disorder #Mania

Tomorrow I’m attending the Inspire Centre for therapy and assistance to help with my substance abuse issues. Here’s what I have written for them. If you have any suggestions or advice on what I’ve written, please let me know in the comments section below 👍

Last time I had a drink - 9th Sept.
Last time I took Cocaine - 9th Sept.

• Use was plain and simply an escape. An escape from the noise and chatter and chaos that I have to put up with 24/7. It might only have been for a couple of hours, but I needed it.

• It’s like my prescription drugs, that were working brilliantly, became less effective and the Bipolar was more prevalent causing this gap, a void that had to be filled, and I chose to fill it with alcohol and Cocaine.

• I know that my actions aren’t the best way to deal with it but I was just desperate. I know that mixing the two together forms Cocaethylene in the Liver, and this is Cardiotoxic.

• Without the Cocaine I wouldn’t have been able to write this explanation. My Bipolar medication robs me of my ability to express myself and explain my experiences in any way. It makes me numb. It’s a different numbness than that of what the Depression brings, but it is a numbness nonetheless.

• I don’t think I’ve got a substance abuse problem, but I’ve got a Mental Illness problem that isn’t being addressed. My meds worked well for a long time from when I started this combination. Slowly, I feel like the Bipolar chipped away at them and their ability to remedy the problem that the Bipolar caused, became less productive.

• After time, they (the medication) have become less effective, less efficient if you will. There is no cure for this illness but just a remedy to keep it manageable. I feel that they need reviewing and increasing where possible to avoid the dips in my recovery from this terrible affliction that consumes me relentlessly for every single minute of every single day.

• There is an onslaught of gaps in my psyche which are voids of emptiness that are being filled by the Bipolar and not the medication. It’s as though it has been setting me up to fall in its trap. Relentless in pursuit of finding a way in which impacts on me. It’s horrible.

#Addiction #Alcoholism #AlcoholAbuse #CocaineDependence #SubstanceRelatedDisorders #MentalHealth #MightyTogether

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I’m drunk . & I told myself I wouldn’t drink would things go bad like my mom but here I am . Is this the symptoms of alcoholism? Idk .

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I'm new here!

Hi, my name is max_sunflower. I'm here because I want to read about other struggles, journeys, victories and more! Also I'd like to share my voice and help uplift whoever I can.

#MightyTogether #Anxiety #Depression #MultipleSclerosis #Alcoholism #Trauma

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I’m new here!

Hi, my name is Jojo.
I am a new author of a memoir focused on mental health and alcoholism. it took 5 years for my mental health to become stabilized and recovered from alcohol for 11years. My focus is to help others through the process and maintain hope throughout the journey to good health.
#MightyTogether #Anxiety #my book is called DepressionMy book title is The Rope Unravels on Amazon and Barnes&Noble

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I really connect with this one this morning. I gotta figure out how to treat myself well. Self-loathing is killing me. I can't put the drugs down. I know how much worse they make my symptoms but deep down I don't think I'm worth it. #PTSD #Abuse #Alcoholism #Addiction #Bipolar2 #ADHD #Obesity

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Another Beautiful Day !

I thought I’d pop in for a few and see how everyone is doing. A big hello going out to all our new members. You definitely found the right site! It’s been a few busy weeks here. Tackling one problem for my mother in law which left me in bed for 4 days due to the pain. Now dealing with getting ready for my granddaughters graduation on Friday. She still lives in her world of running from responsibility. She’s in for a harsh reality. One thing I’ll add to all members is that one day you’ll see the light. I told that to Jessy almost a year ago and she has grown in leaps and bounds! Once you see the light you end up stronger emotionally,mentally as well as physically. All 3 will come together and must work together as each one needs the other 2. My issues ( I’ll try and put in order as they happened ) Chronic Pain 24/7 due to a work injury and subsequent surgery. ACDF of C-4 through C-7 ( unsuccessful I’ll add )which took my career which I loved. Depression, Alcoholism, ( I’ve been 100% Sober for a little over 3 years now. Considered Suicide multiple times during this period, to add now both knees with torn medial meniscus. As well as Lumbar issues due to degenerative disk disease. But like all of you will , I also found the light. The old me no longer exists. As I’ve said in the past that the injury actually made me a better person. It brought me closer to God, I now take the time and find that it’s the small things in life that are the most important. Things I never took the time to stop and look at. All of you are stronger then you realize! You”ll see. Again welcome to this site……David

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I'm new here!

Hi, my name is BrownBearMike. I'm here because I am in a Twelve Step program and I want to learn / share about alcoholism. My partner has a mild case of autism.

#MightyTogether #AutismSpectrumDisorder

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