Alcoholism

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    Part 1 of 2 What I know today, above anything, is that I am that real alcoholic that’s outlined in the big book, fighting with BPD. The consumption of alcohol is just a symptom of what’s wrong with me & my main problem centers right in my mind. And if I don’t treat what is going on there, if I don’t treat alcoholism as a whole, if I walk through this program, thinking it is just abstinence from alcohol, what happens to me is that my sobriety becomes so painful that it suddenly becomes unbearable. And when my sobriety becomes unbearable, I will drink again or I will take my life. There is no other middle of the road solution for me.

    When I first started drinking, I was finally able to cope with my internal demons and discovered a detachment from who I was. It was a power that I didn’t know existed. In my first drunk at 18, I immediately gave my power over to alcohol and for the first time ever, that hollowed out ugliness I felt inside was not quite as ugly anymore. I had this huge giant hole of darkness in my soul that suddenly alcohol had a way of making it not quite so deep.

    But somewhere along the path of my life, I got this idea that if you knew how dark and how black and how broken I was inside of me, you’d recoil in horror and you’d run right out the door. And there was only one thing worse than being around people who were thinking about me, that’s being alone in a room with only me and what I’m thinking about me. Because you see what you might be thinking about me might be mean, but what I think about me is deadly. Because that was exactly what I would drink at, I would go and run at, gonna do things to hurt myself and those around me who do love me. I had found a higher power in alcohol that I didn’t even know I was looking for. I would leave claw marks in everything and everybody and in myself as I slid away from it.

    The only thing I ever had a problem with in my alcoholism was that it wore off. Because when it wore off, all that madness in my head started again. And then the fear and the terror takes over because I know I may run out and I’m immediately planning how to get enough for the day.

    Alcoholism is not a disease of denial. It’s not like we have it and ignore it. It is a disease of illusion. Where I can’t tell the truth from the false. 35 or 20 or 10 or even 1 year ago, if you had asked me if I was an alcoholic, I would have said no and I would have believed my own lie. But I had only one tool in the tool-kit and it was in the bottom of a hidden bottle of alcohol.

    My husband and I met in high school, dated a few times and totally lost contact with each other. We found each other 9 years later. And then I viewed him as my knight riding in on a HUGE white horse to rescue me. I had a lousy childhood with sexual abuse and violent abuse where blood was splattered on walls and casts worn to hide broken bones and broken two by fours as they were used to hit me and stabbings and a gun held to my head and just a lot of blood and bruises and terror in general. I viewed grace as being conditional or non-existent. If you hurt me, I’ll hurt you more was my dad’s motto. I was really messed up. So, when I discovered alcohol at 18, I was off to the horse races. And I hid alcohol from anybody and everybody in my life because I did NOT want anybody to know how much I drank. I was hiding it when I got married at 27 years old.

    I started having children when I was 30, thinking they could fix that big gaping wound in my gut that I didn’t know was a big giant hole in my soul. I wanted those babies more than anything, I had wanted to be a mom for so long. I had this thing where I wanted other humans to love me. And I also wanted something to love, because somewhere along the path of living, something inside of me had become unable and incapable to accept that I’m loved.

    I became pregnant, and never touched a bottle the whole 4 pregnancies (yes, I’m a mom of 4 boys) and the year that followed while breastfeeding. So, for a total of 8 years in amongst my alcoholism, I had the wherewithal and presence of mind to not drink. Because I viewed those humans growing inside my body as being more valuable than my body.

    Alcohol was never my problem, it was always my solution. I am that woman who was beyond recall. You see, after my boys came into my life, I put alcohol back into my system again thinking I would get that same bliss I had experienced at 18. But what I didn’t know about the illness is that it continues to grow when left untreated, whether I’m drinking or not. And it was as if somebody threw a match in a puddle of gasoline, and instead of relief, I got a level of unmanageability such as I’ve never known.

    In 2017, 18 years after having my first baby boy, I found myself in a psych ward on suicidal watch, saying I was a threat to myself

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    Getting those feelings....

    Trigger warning..

    So I have mental health support once a week, gp not very good and have a longstanding diagnosis of clinical depression. I am 38. I really try a lot to keep going but so many changes I been faced with up to this point. I cant look back on much of life and feel nice memories. I really try to look forward but barriers keep getting in the way. When covid hit I had got engaged FINALLY 8 months before. Never believed it would ever happen for me I thought it was too good to be true...and it was..along came a pandemic that could have happened at any point in my previous 35 years or before ...lockdown put such a strain on relationship we broke up for ages and finally coming back together but not without a lot of external pressures. Some days I feel its all I have to hold onto though. I got myself to throw into a chaotic world just so I can be with the one I love . ( they have external reliances from grown up kids, grandkids'a sister and mother...some the grown up of whom cone with MASSIVE issues like psychiatric disorders, alcoholism and attachment disorder. ) for the record my partner has bipolar themselves and I feel like in supporting them I have to say yes to every family thing aswell , one reliance from one ends, only for another to come along. Sometimes I wanna say eff to then all...I know I can't. But I feel like a letdown and I got to somehow try yo tolerate because irs their family. They can't move away due to the kids and grandkids. I have dysoraxia and eds and I really need my space sometimes but I know push comes to shove they have to come first. Especially if it's the kids. And boy do they come with their issues and dropping at the door last minute because they have had 2 kids they couldn't afford (I don't mean to sound awful)..but sometimes my emotions get in the way and tonight I just feel like I wanna be with my partner but not in all that crap. I have struggled my entire life , my health has taken a massive knock because my own parents were not there for me. Also for various reasons I csnt have kids and sometimes it hurts. Especially when I see the selfishness of my partners kids and them having kids they csnt afford dropping them off often for a couple of nights...my partner loves it. But I don't. It hurts because its kids we often fund but are not primarily ours. I sound terrible and I hate myself and my life. I just feel like an exit point. I am a terrible person. .

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    Community Voices
    Borel

    God will carry you through any storm.

    <p>God will carry you through any storm.</p>
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    Borel

    Get well soon

    <p>Get well soon</p>
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    Community Voices
    Borel

    Greetings to everyone on the mighty team.

    <p>Greetings to everyone on the mighty team.</p>
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    Community Voices
    Borel
    Community Voices
    Community Voices

    Quotes from recovering alcoholics and addicts.

    Hello.

    I am in recovery from alcoholism and drug addiction and have been clean and sober since December 3, 2016. My introduction to recovery began in 2003 during my first of numerous inpatient treatment center admissions. I had an idea when I was first introduced to the rooms of AA and NA to write down the profound, helpful quotes I heard from recovering addicts and alcoholics and put them in a book someday. A few years ago during the pandemic I took all the papers I had saved over the years and completed this goal of mine.

    The book is titled Thanks for Letting Me Share. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09BCG67JK/ I take the proceeds I have made from this book, purchase more books and ship them out to rehabs all over the country. This is a way I give back what was so freely given to me. It is a way I can share some of the things that I heard that have and continue to help me. This book contains 368 quotes that I have heard from recovering addicts and alcoholics. They are profound, funny, cringe-worthy, memorable, and powerful. They will allow you to reflect, remember and reassess your recovery. This book is broken up into just three parts: Getting Here, Staying Here, and Higher Power.

    This book is in a paperback, Kindle and audiobook format. It is available on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Kobo, iTunes, Audible.com and numerous other sites. Everyone in recovery that has read this book has enjoyed it. I have marketed it because I feel what is in this book is important and helpful to those who are recovery curious, in early recovery and those with multiple years of sobriety under their belt. The book is simple, just like most solutions usually are. I am currently putting together a part II. Being a published author was on my bucket list since I was a little boy. I am so happy I completed this first book and can scratch this off my bucket list. The more exposure this book has the more beneficial it is to those who will utilize it.  Overdoses have been skyrocketing and anything that may get people to choose recovery over active addiction and alcoholism is a life saver. Thank you for considering a way I can give this book more exposure.

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    Community Voices

    Living with Bipolar II, GAD and ADHD, really struggling with getting out of this depressive rut. Can anyone relate/give feedback and support please?

    Hi! I am new to this site. I am struggling with self motivation to basically function as a human being. I have been dealing with high functioning depression and anxiety for a long time and I am now in my late twenties.

    I was diagnosed Bipolar II, ADHD and OCD more recently, maybe even a couple of years ago. It is hard to take care of myself and do basic daily living activities. I've struggled with those things since I was very young and I lack self discipline since I grew up with parents who gave me porous boundaries...

    On top of that, I have a somewhat "nocturnal" sleep schedule where I stay up into the wee hours of the night and then wake up in the afternoon. This worked okay when I worked swing shift at my last job but I still struggled a lot to feel "okay" or motivated. I am a night owl but I feel better when I can get to sleep earlier (for me that could even mean midnight) and wake up earlier (before 2 PM lol). It's hard when my meds make me groggy though but I am so reliant on them to knock me out since I've had nighttime anxiety since I was less than 10 years of age.

    I have been "self-medicating" for a long time and chasing dopamine highs. My dopamine bucket (as my old psychiatrist called it) is deeper than most people's I guess so I am constantly chasing highs from everything I do so moderation is hard but again I'm very lucky and fortunate that I've had the sense not to dabble with any super hard drugs. Anything that I've felt super addicted to I stopped right away, mainly pills, so I have some will power in that regard. Chasing highs all day and night is kind of exhausting though and I learned that saying "addictive personality" is incorrect but I absolutely know I'm more genetically inclined to have addictive tendencies. I used to use OTC meds to sleep and feel okay and to help me sleep such as Benadryl and NyQuill and to help me relax. I have cut back on OTC since being on psychiatric meds especially because OTC gives me nightmares and RLS but I still worry about long term side effects of the meds I'm on too... I am so grateful I've never gotten into any seriously hard drugs but for self-medicating I do lean on caffeine (using the internet pretty much all day every day for multiple purposes) and have been dabbling with pot again on and off for the last decade (currently I'm off pot but I want to use it again so I'm starting with CBD) Alcoholism runs in my family, I feel like every time I drink alcohol it's like building up pressure in a volcano that will someday erupt, aka alcoholism will take its grip on me and won't let go until I have to go to rehab or get alcohol poisoning. Alcohol generally scares me but I have been drinking on and off again this year (I started drinking when I was 14) so I've been kinda testing the waters after not drinking for over 2 years straight and each time I drank I wanted more and it was just so strong.... That's another post I could make sometime but yeah I am currently not drinking so I'm less worried about using alcohol, I'd much rather get stoned from thc... I am on psychiatric meds for bipolar disorder but my anxiety and depression feel out of whack.

    I lack consistency, I can work out if I'm feeling more hypomanic and when I'm not I definitely am a couch potato so that's the majority of the time, my diet and exercise need to be improved but when you are in a depression rut it's so hard to do anything at all!!! I'm fighting with myself, part of me wants to have a consistent and healthy routine. Another part of me likes being how I am now but I'm not happy and I don't feel good a lot of the time.

    I just moved to a new state as well so I won't be able to see a Psychiatrist for possibly a month and that is freaking me out. I might run out of my current meds (depakote and seroquel to be exact) so I'm needing to figure that out. I'm meeting with a new therapist today and I'm going to talk to her about what I'm writing in this post. I'm sure she can help with some stuff and I haven't been put on an anti-depressant because my old psychiatrist was super cautious and I never seem to be in a balanced mood so she didn't want to risk hypomania. But I cycle on and off with hypomania every week it feels like. Being hypomanic increases my desire to get high and makes me feel out of control with impulsive spending and random creativity.

    I have a lot of goals I want to accomplish creativity wise but being so inconsistent with severe ADHD symptoms and other problems (including being a perfectionist) really stops me from completing projects and following through with my goals.

    To give some more perspective also, I grew up as a spoiled only child and I've always gotten everything I've ever wanted/needed without having to work hard for those things really. I'm fighting against the "conformist lifestyle" of like having a structured schedule and just doing what most people do which is to work full time and adhere to a routine/schedule and live in moderation. I think I feel more "free" when I can at least feel like I am living against the grain of society even though I know this is just an illusion. Telling myself I'm not "normal" has probably been one of the worst things ever and I hate that concept of normal anyways. But to feel like I don't fit in anywhere is a really lonely and sad feeling and it's totally not true!

    I'm working on healing and moving forward and growing as a person. I'm my biggest obstacle though and I want to be my own best friend. But my old habits are so ingrained in me and I feel they are a huge handicap for me to be healthy, happy and successful. I'm also pretty codependent so this makes my relationships with most people unhealthy. I've come to the realization that I find a man or friend to focus on their problems instead of my own and I want to fix them, hence my codependency.## I got into a situation earlier this year with someone and it's take me 7 months to have multiple realizations. That's another post that I'll probably make though. So anyways I'm sensitive and an empath too so life is super overwhelming always no matter what. I'm proud of what I've accomplished though like getting a Bachelor's degree and I've reached out for help which has helped give me hope. I don't feel totally hopeless but I want to know what kind of career/job/lifestyle I can have to support myself financially and to give me more contentment. I want to give myself validation first and foremost but this is SO hard when I've always relied on other people so much for everything, especially my parents.

    Anyways, I just wanted to see if anyone else can relate to my situation or parts of it at all, some support and feedback would be very appreciated, thank you!

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