Alcoholism

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted or been on but a Big Hello to all the newer members ! My history is Chronic Pain 24/7 for 10 years following a injury and subsequent surgery for it. (ACDF of C-4 through C-7) and now have adjacent disk disease on interior of C-1 and C-2 as a prize for the initial surgery. As well, issues with L-4 and L-5, Bilateral medial meniscus tears, Following that I had a great lesson on Depression, Suicidal ideations, alcoholism,( Been 100% sober for 2 years now.) as well as self isolation. But every day is a great day ! All of you have found a great site where you’ll see others battling similar issues or other issues. Just know your never alone ! Now that were hitting the “ Holiday Seasons “ you’ll see different reactions from everyone here. Personally Holidays to me are stressful and at times can provoke depression. As I have a tendency to ramble, I’ll close for now. Remember, whatever issues your facing, you can beat !…David

I am sitting at my son’s bedside in the hospital while he is detoxing. He has dealt with depression & anxiety basically his whole life. He will be 35 next week. My heart breaks for him. Depression, anxiety, alcoholism runs in our family. I feel guilty because I brought these children into the world, not realizing how genetics would effect them with these mental health issues. My son constantly tells me he wishes he was never born😪
& even more so today he has been saying the most vile things but I know it’s wanting the drugs that is causing him to say anything to try and obtain them.

To begin with, I want to thank everyone as well as apologize to everyone with my venting yesterday. Today is another fresh day. The main reason I stay on this site is to help others. In my past life I spent 32 years of my life helping people. My injury which took my career was actually a God send as I could see both sides of the fence Both as a medical professional and then as a patient. I learned that medical professionals can and should help in different ways. Following my injury and surgery was truly the most educational point in my life. I now have education in pain management, depression which I never knew how deep it could get, alcoholism, ( been sober now for over a year and a half) , isolation, as well as suicidal ideation with intent. In my past life, I can’t count how many suicides I’ve been to. While on scene, I would always ask myself how bad could their life have been to commit suicide. I now understand more. The worst part was telling the family that there was nothing we could do. I’ve shed a lot of tears holding their families as they shed their tears as well. For those considering it, please reach out to someone. You honestly don’t realize how it destroys your families that you left behind. They always blame themselves. Jason, who is a newer member ( I love reading his post ) pretty much hit the nail on the head with his input on MDs. Whether mental or medical, instead of it being there to help people in need, it has turned into big business with profit being the objective. It’s not the MDs or RNs, it’s the CEOs who look at cost versus patient outcomes. I’ll quit my all to usual rambling for a bit and wish all a positive relaxing day. Again thank you all…..David

Just woke up from a well needed nap, still pain racks my body for the 3rd straight day. Took down all the Hurricane shutters and put them away. Just hope that I won’t need them again this year. Then picked up all the palm fronds and bagged them. Now it’s a do nothing else kind of day. Prayers going out to all who were impacted by yet another storm in less then 2 weeks. I see where some have lost everything. I’ve only lost a door to my screen porch, so yes I was lucky. Those that don’t live with chronic pain sometimes don’t understand it. It’s definitely a invisible pain and a disability ( I hate that word with a passion). I can remember back before my injury and things I was able to do. Like others, it will put you in a rut if you let it. Unfortunately mine will only get worse. But there is a positive side. It makes you understand others who are going through similar situations. Such as mental issues, depression, alcoholism all of which I’ve been through following my injury and subsequent surgery that followed. But yet, it’s still a beautiful day! What ever your situation, you can beat it ! Your stronger then you realize!……David

So I am diagnosed with alcoholism and substance abuse, bipolar 2, PTSD ofc, BPD and has had a bout of psychosis. I visited the mental hospital for maybe a total of a month at three different locations over the span of a year.
I find myself sometimes trying to tackle each disease.. (which I normally don’t call it that) at once.
For some reason I think I’ll wake up and be cured and feel different, every second I’m expecting something to feel different or to simply get validation that I’m doing better and when I don’t receive it because well people can’t read my mind, I find myself going to sleep angry every night because I just want them to acknowledge me? My family at least. They talk to me, but they don’t want to hear my feelings about anything which is also very tough because I just got into an altercation with a supposed friend of mine I was staying with a few days ago.
She asked me to leave, I didn’t say no I was just trying to get my bearings before leaving and she charged at me and attacked me. Punched me, spit on me and held me down with all her weight (a good 200 pounds more than me) for 15 minutes while I called out to Siri on my iPad to call my mom to call the police and while I was doing so she called her friend to drive over and come stomp me in my face and beat me up some more before the police finally showed up.
I decided that day I was going to be done with liquor because it gives you total loss of capacity to defend yourself. While I did the best I could I was going in and out of consciousness and it could have been way worse than it was and I already told my parents I was trying not to drink. The girl had ulterior motives for sure, but for my own life I don’t want to drink anymore.
I got SA’d or taken advantage of the same day as well. A guy gave me a bottle of liquor, a pill and recorded us having sexual relations on my phone and the next day when I heard it, you couldn’t make out a single word I was saying and my eyes were closed pretty much the whole time. I remembered none of it and he continued to keep going and was obviously much more sober than I.
I desperately want to talk to my parents about it but the first time I ever got SA’d I was told it was my fault. Not by my parents, but they also never asked or were curious so I don’t have any emotional support from them. I know this post is all over the place, but I’m trying to tackle family issues, substance issues, cope with being SA’d again and being beaten and receiving no sympathy. I’m only 29 so I’m glad I’m getting it together now, but it’s extremely tough realizing you absolutely have no one in this life to trust but you and God & u have to want it for yourself and no one else and put all faith in him.
I started my 12 step program today and I’m determined to get back to me and really restart the right way.
That’s the true beauty of being at rock bottom. You can start completely over and do it all again and the only way you can go is up. I know it won’t be as easy road. After speaking with some of my sisters in my AA class, but I’m so glad I found some type of community and women who can understand me and maybe even help me be a better woman.
My mom tries her best but she’s simply not emotionally available for me at all and she doesn’t do her best to protect me and never has. I can no longer fault her for that though. I need to start cultivating my own life and moving on and getting past childhood and even current traumas. I can’t keep dwelling, I have to want help, seek help and do the work and know that it doesn’t happen overnight but it absolutely will happen.
I’m never giving a person the opportunity to treat me like that again. #SubstanceRelatedDisorders #PTSD #MentalHealth #Bipolar2

Had to put down one of my two beautiful dogs today. She had some health issues but this came on very quick, and the vet said her tummy was so very filled with fluid, they couldn't even see her other organ clearly to assess. NO signs of heart murmur so they were surprised that her heart was so enlarged. Her trachea was moved 2 inches away from where it should have been because of all the fluid. What I'm writing and remember is cloudy, buried in the grief emotional mind, not at all being able to make any reasonable decision, let alone form a coherent sentence . I had a cataplexy attack collapsing from being in that room and moments.
She was 14, she was quirky and silly, stubborn, had a strong will, the kids in the neighborhood adored her and she them , just a gentle silly sweet pure little being. When having only two re a sons to stay alive and now one is gone, I'm just slipping further into making a plan that will let me be with my sweet again.

I don't want her to be gone. I wasn't ready. I wanted her to be healthy for the longest time.

After I left the vet I went to the local paxky store and got alcohol.. first drink since 14 years ago when I quit drinking.

I just really want to be with,my girl.

Sorry for rambling and incoherency

#MightyPets #petloss #Grief #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #ChronicFatigue #ChronicPain #Alcoholism

Good morning all !, Stopping in for a few minutes to wish everyone a positive and productive day. I had to reschedule our small camping trip due to a strong Nor Easter with heavy rain and storms but I was able to reserve our spot on October 4-7. It’s honestly better as it should be a little cooler. This week has been a hectic week as I had to file a injunction against a person across the street who has disrupted a entire neighborhood with his threats and harassment and threatening to shoot me and Buddy . He unfortunately is a nonstop alcoholic 24/7. I honestly have prayed for this man but in my past life, 32 years of taking care of people, I know he’s gotten to far in the battle with alcoholism yet he refuses to get help. I honestly feel sorry for him but you can only do what you can but you have to protect yourself and family and of course Buddy. I hope everyone has slowed down some and started looking for all the things that are positive in their lives. If you come across something that IS positive , Don’t let it scare you! I see by reading post this morning that some of you are doing better. Please keep at it! Again be Positive!….David

Sitting out back enjoying the somewhat coolness of the morning as Buddy does his business. 2 cups of coffee already and fixing to go for the 3rd lol. I see we have some newer members and I wish all a big welcome. You’ve definitely came to the right site as there are many members going through or have gone through the same thing. Typically, there is no drama and no judgment of any members here. But you will be met with open arms! Personally, I suffer from Chronic pain continuously 24/7 after a spinal injury and the initial surgery to fix the first injury lol. Which left me 100% disabled ( a word I hate ) I was also diagnosed last night by another member with “ Teeny-Tiney heart syndrome” lol. In reality, I spent 14 years on the 7P-7A shift at a downtown ER followed by 18 years as a Lt/FF/ Paramedic with a large Fire Department in Florida where I was injured. I was medically “retired “ as the surgeon would not release me to full duty following surgery. Yes, I know Depression, alcoholism,isolation,Suicidal Ideations as “retirement “ forced into me. I will say, I’ve been sober for over a year and a half now. I’ve been married for 46 years (I was 18, she was 17) and we’re still going strong! Time to run some errands but I wish all of you a beautiful,Positive day…..David

#CPTSD #Abuse #DBT #Relationships #Healing (TW:SI&Abuse)

Mother's Day is a bittersweet day for me. I am the luckiest mom in the world to the most incredible human. I'm amazed that this tiny person has blossomed into a young lady challenging the world. It's like looking in a mirror, and it makes my heart happy to her creativity, thoughtfulness and loving and caring soul. You'd be proud. The reason she's turning into that person a for very different reasons than I did. Here are the things I am willing to thank you for in teaching me how to parent, but for what most adults would.

I swore I was never getting married or having children. I never wanted to end up with a broken life, and a child from a broken home. Fast forward to that's where I am since you've passed. The 5 month period of death of the step-monster, grandmother, then you and the falling apart of the family left me holding a big bag of grief that my partner didn't want to be a part of.

There were some happy memories, overshadowed by the abuse I had to learn to live my life around. To keep safe. There's many years still blocked out, but the layers uncovered are the most painful.

I was just like you, despite how many times you told me you hated me because I was exactly like my father. You brainwashed all 3 of us children about what an evil man he was. I swore to never speak ill of my child's father, and I stand by that despite how difficult it can be. I've now lived in your shoes, struggled without child support and making ends meet due to co-parent's bad choices.

When my daughter was the age I was when the sexual abuse was happening right in front of you, and you did nothing. You blamed me for the rest of your life up until the end that I was the cause of all your misery. Shipping me off to live with my grandparents for that short time was the only good memories from childhood. Until cancer took them both and I had no choice but to return to you.

How you instilled hatred of me to my siblings was something that looking back on it now, they knew not what they did. When I came to you for help when Grandpa was terminal, I was so scared losing the only person I had in my life to protect me from you. He was the only one who would stop the beatings once we were living with him after Grandma passed.

When you encouraged me me to suicide because it would make your life easier, that was something that will forever be with me. You beat me so often because of your undiagnosed mental illness that the coping mechanisms I had to learn early, I've had to unlearn as an adult.

The bruises healed, the bloody injuries gone, but I'm still trying to unwrap my sense of worth because of your venom. Seeing friends Mother's Day posts on social media is too much as I didn't have the same experiences that most do.

What you did teach me are all the things NOT to do in raising my little Mini Me. Her feelings matter, her opinions matter and I'll always take the time to listen.

She's the only thing I'm able to invest myself in outside of my job. I can't keep relationships, despite my stabs at therapy because there are a lot of broken people out there. Because of the Generational Trauma that stopped with me I can give her tools for her toolkit vs bruises and excuses.

Your son is just like you, and I hope that you can see the mess his family is. Multiple charges of domestic abuse, children he isn't allowed to see, and a wife living in a shelter. Both beautiful granddaughters of yours living in a group home because I was unable to take them in. That broke my heart dealing with CAS retelling stories of what the abuse looked like, so they could understand how to deal with him and reluctance to change. Or seek help that isn't alcoholism.

Everything fell apart when my sister passed. You being sick the same time was devastating to me. But you were more concerned about yourself. She was terminal, but you were struggling with your disease progression, so I understand now the way you acted crazy. Your nephew turned out amazing despite his rough start losing his mom as a toddler. That's the other reason this day hurts because the day she passed was the day before your birthday. And a week before Mother's Day.

You've taught me the mother not to be, so I thank you for that. You apologized the best way a narcissist knows how near the end so I've had to interpret it the best I can through therapy.

My daughter is awesome, you'd be proud someone broke the cycle. Happy Mother's Day to any readers who also struggle this day. This Mama tries her best to remember that I'm a great mom, even on days when I feel I'm not. We don't have to repeat what was taught to us. The day you passed was the first day I finally felt healing begin, though it's been a decade I've still got a way to go.

But I forgive you. I'm a survivor.

Hi, my name is jjefferson13. Been dealing with a lot of my issues for the majority of my life but recently been given an official diagnosis for BPD. I’m not having to difficult of a time accepting the diagnosis as acceptance is not something I generally struggle with any longer; however I do feel like my life is falling apart because of the things I’ve done and how I have treated others. I’m trying really hard to practice the DBT skills I’ve been reading about but I feel like I’m currently doing this on my own as my wife seems to be abandoning me (and rightfully so after all I have put her through) and my new therapist hasn’t had a chance to meet with me yet. I guess at this moment I’m just looking for some connections. Someone who can relate. Thanks.

#MightyTogether #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Migraine #ADHD #OCD #Dysthymia #SocialAnxiety #Anxiety #Osteoarthritis #Alcoholism