Hi! I am new to this site. I am struggling with self motivation to basically function as a human being. I have been dealing with high functioning depression and anxiety for a long time and I am now in my late twenties.
I was diagnosed Bipolar II, ADHD and OCD more recently, maybe even a couple of years ago. It is hard to take care of myself and do basic daily living activities. I've struggled with those things since I was very young and I lack self discipline since I grew up with parents who gave me porous boundaries...
On top of that, I have a somewhat "nocturnal" sleep schedule where I stay up into the wee hours of the night and then wake up in the afternoon. This worked okay when I worked swing shift at my last job but I still struggled a lot to feel "okay" or motivated. I am a night owl but I feel better when I can get to sleep earlier (for me that could even mean midnight) and wake up earlier (before 2 PM lol). It's hard when my meds make me groggy though but I am so reliant on them to knock me out since I've had nighttime anxiety since I was less than 10 years of age.
I have been "self-medicating" for a long time and chasing dopamine highs. My dopamine bucket (as my old psychiatrist called it) is deeper than most people's I guess so I am constantly chasing highs from everything I do so moderation is hard but again I'm very lucky and fortunate that I've had the sense not to dabble with any super hard drugs. Anything that I've felt super addicted to I stopped right away, mainly pills, so I have some will power in that regard. Chasing highs all day and night is kind of exhausting though and I learned that saying "addictive personality" is incorrect but I absolutely know I'm more genetically inclined to have addictive tendencies. I used to use OTC meds to sleep and feel okay and to help me sleep such as Benadryl and NyQuill and to help me relax. I have cut back on OTC since being on psychiatric meds especially because OTC gives me nightmares and RLS but I still worry about long term side effects of the meds I'm on too... I am so grateful I've never gotten into any seriously hard drugs but for self-medicating I do lean on caffeine (using the internet pretty much all day every day for multiple purposes) and have been dabbling with pot again on and off for the last decade (currently I'm off pot but I want to use it again so I'm starting with CBD) Alcoholism runs in my family, I feel like every time I drink alcohol it's like building up pressure in a volcano that will someday erupt, aka alcoholism will take its grip on me and won't let go until I have to go to rehab or get alcohol poisoning. Alcohol generally scares me but I have been drinking on and off again this year (I started drinking when I was 14) so I've been kinda testing the waters after not drinking for over 2 years straight and each time I drank I wanted more and it was just so strong.... That's another post I could make sometime but yeah I am currently not drinking so I'm less worried about using alcohol, I'd much rather get stoned from thc... I am on psychiatric meds for bipolar disorder but my anxiety and depression feel out of whack.
I lack consistency, I can work out if I'm feeling more hypomanic and when I'm not I definitely am a couch potato so that's the majority of the time, my diet and exercise need to be improved but when you are in a depression rut it's so hard to do anything at all!!! I'm fighting with myself, part of me wants to have a consistent and healthy routine. Another part of me likes being how I am now but I'm not happy and I don't feel good a lot of the time.
I just moved to a new state as well so I won't be able to see a Psychiatrist for possibly a month and that is freaking me out. I might run out of my current meds (depakote and seroquel to be exact) so I'm needing to figure that out. I'm meeting with a new therapist today and I'm going to talk to her about what I'm writing in this post. I'm sure she can help with some stuff and I haven't been put on an anti-depressant because my old psychiatrist was super cautious and I never seem to be in a balanced mood so she didn't want to risk hypomania. But I cycle on and off with hypomania every week it feels like. Being hypomanic increases my desire to get high and makes me feel out of control with impulsive spending and random creativity.
I have a lot of goals I want to accomplish creativity wise but being so inconsistent with severe ADHD symptoms and other problems (including being a perfectionist) really stops me from completing projects and following through with my goals.
To give some more perspective also, I grew up as a spoiled only child and I've always gotten everything I've ever wanted/needed without having to work hard for those things really. I'm fighting against the "conformist lifestyle" of like having a structured schedule and just doing what most people do which is to work full time and adhere to a routine/schedule and live in moderation. I think I feel more "free" when I can at least feel like I am living against the grain of society even though I know this is just an illusion. Telling myself I'm not "normal" has probably been one of the worst things ever and I hate that concept of normal anyways. But to feel like I don't fit in anywhere is a really lonely and sad feeling and it's totally not true!
I'm working on healing and moving forward and growing as a person. I'm my biggest obstacle though and I want to be my own best friend. But my old habits are so ingrained in me and I feel they are a huge handicap for me to be healthy, happy and successful. I'm also pretty codependent so this makes my relationships with most people unhealthy. I've come to the realization that I find a man or friend to focus on their problems instead of my own and I want to fix them, hence my codependency.## I got into a situation earlier this year with someone and it's take me 7 months to have multiple realizations. That's another post that I'll probably make though. So anyways I'm sensitive and an empath too so life is super overwhelming always no matter what. I'm proud of what I've accomplished though like getting a Bachelor's degree and I've reached out for help which has helped give me hope. I don't feel totally hopeless but I want to know what kind of career/job/lifestyle I can have to support myself financially and to give me more contentment. I want to give myself validation first and foremost but this is SO hard when I've always relied on other people so much for everything, especially my parents.
Anyways, I just wanted to see if anyone else can relate to my situation or parts of it at all, some support and feedback would be very appreciated, thank you!