Alcoholism

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    Living with Bipolar II, GAD and ADHD, really struggling with getting out of this depressive rut. Can anyone relate/give feedback and support please?

    Hi! I am new to this site. I am struggling with self motivation to basically function as a human being. I have been dealing with high functioning depression and anxiety for a long time and I am now in my late twenties.

    I was diagnosed Bipolar II, ADHD and OCD more recently, maybe even a couple of years ago. It is hard to take care of myself and do basic daily living activities. I've struggled with those things since I was very young and I lack self discipline since I grew up with parents who gave me porous boundaries...

    On top of that, I have a somewhat "nocturnal" sleep schedule where I stay up into the wee hours of the night and then wake up in the afternoon. This worked okay when I worked swing shift at my last job but I still struggled a lot to feel "okay" or motivated. I am a night owl but I feel better when I can get to sleep earlier (for me that could even mean midnight) and wake up earlier (before 2 PM lol). It's hard when my meds make me groggy though but I am so reliant on them to knock me out since I've had nighttime anxiety since I was less than 10 years of age.

    I have been "self-medicating" for a long time and chasing dopamine highs. My dopamine bucket (as my old psychiatrist called it) is deeper than most people's I guess so I am constantly chasing highs from everything I do so moderation is hard but again I'm very lucky and fortunate that I've had the sense not to dabble with any super hard drugs. Anything that I've felt super addicted to I stopped right away, mainly pills, so I have some will power in that regard. Chasing highs all day and night is kind of exhausting though and I learned that saying "addictive personality" is incorrect but I absolutely know I'm more genetically inclined to have addictive tendencies. I used to use OTC meds to sleep and feel okay and to help me sleep such as Benadryl and NyQuill and to help me relax. I have cut back on OTC since being on psychiatric meds especially because OTC gives me nightmares and RLS but I still worry about long term side effects of the meds I'm on too... I am so grateful I've never gotten into any seriously hard drugs but for self-medicating I do lean on caffeine (using the internet pretty much all day every day for multiple purposes) and have been dabbling with pot again on and off for the last decade (currently I'm off pot but I want to use it again so I'm starting with CBD) Alcoholism runs in my family, I feel like every time I drink alcohol it's like building up pressure in a volcano that will someday erupt, aka alcoholism will take its grip on me and won't let go until I have to go to rehab or get alcohol poisoning. Alcohol generally scares me but I have been drinking on and off again this year (I started drinking when I was 14) so I've been kinda testing the waters after not drinking for over 2 years straight and each time I drank I wanted more and it was just so strong.... That's another post I could make sometime but yeah I am currently not drinking so I'm less worried about using alcohol, I'd much rather get stoned from thc... I am on psychiatric meds for bipolar disorder but my anxiety and depression feel out of whack.

    I lack consistency, I can work out if I'm feeling more hypomanic and when I'm not I definitely am a couch potato so that's the majority of the time, my diet and exercise need to be improved but when you are in a depression rut it's so hard to do anything at all!!! I'm fighting with myself, part of me wants to have a consistent and healthy routine. Another part of me likes being how I am now but I'm not happy and I don't feel good a lot of the time.

    I just moved to a new state as well so I won't be able to see a Psychiatrist for possibly a month and that is freaking me out. I might run out of my current meds (depakote and seroquel to be exact) so I'm needing to figure that out. I'm meeting with a new therapist today and I'm going to talk to her about what I'm writing in this post. I'm sure she can help with some stuff and I haven't been put on an anti-depressant because my old psychiatrist was super cautious and I never seem to be in a balanced mood so she didn't want to risk hypomania. But I cycle on and off with hypomania every week it feels like. Being hypomanic increases my desire to get high and makes me feel out of control with impulsive spending and random creativity.

    I have a lot of goals I want to accomplish creativity wise but being so inconsistent with severe ADHD symptoms and other problems (including being a perfectionist) really stops me from completing projects and following through with my goals.

    To give some more perspective also, I grew up as a spoiled only child and I've always gotten everything I've ever wanted/needed without having to work hard for those things really. I'm fighting against the "conformist lifestyle" of like having a structured schedule and just doing what most people do which is to work full time and adhere to a routine/schedule and live in moderation. I think I feel more "free" when I can at least feel like I am living against the grain of society even though I know this is just an illusion. Telling myself I'm not "normal" has probably been one of the worst things ever and I hate that concept of normal anyways. But to feel like I don't fit in anywhere is a really lonely and sad feeling and it's totally not true!

    I'm working on healing and moving forward and growing as a person. I'm my biggest obstacle though and I want to be my own best friend. But my old habits are so ingrained in me and I feel they are a huge handicap for me to be healthy, happy and successful. I'm also pretty codependent so this makes my relationships with most people unhealthy. I've come to the realization that I find a man or friend to focus on their problems instead of my own and I want to fix them, hence my codependency.## I got into a situation earlier this year with someone and it's take me 7 months to have multiple realizations. That's another post that I'll probably make though. So anyways I'm sensitive and an empath too so life is super overwhelming always no matter what. I'm proud of what I've accomplished though like getting a Bachelor's degree and I've reached out for help which has helped give me hope. I don't feel totally hopeless but I want to know what kind of career/job/lifestyle I can have to support myself financially and to give me more contentment. I want to give myself validation first and foremost but this is SO hard when I've always relied on other people so much for everything, especially my parents.

    Anyways, I just wanted to see if anyone else can relate to my situation or parts of it at all, some support and feedback would be very appreciated, thank you!

    5 people are talking about this
    Community Voices

    Should I do more to help #ChronicDepression #Trauma # guilt

    Hi peeps. I need some advice as i have an issue I just don't know how ro deal with.
    I had a difficult, frightening and pretty traumatic childhood due ro my mother having severe chronic depression and ptsd, alcoholism and anxiety. One of my only reliefs was my sister, 14 years older than me, she shielded me as much as she could but didn't live at home.
    So, growing up in that environment ( mum refused to seek proper treatment despite being sectioned a number of times) left me with pretty bad depression and anxiety, a eating disorder and a lot of self hate ( I spent most of my first 30 years believing mum was my fault) and I am ginally starting to feel at peace after a lot of treatment, counselling, drugs, and hard work.
    Unfortunately, my big sister also suffers very very severe depression. She has no partner, 1 friend and her kids aren't close by. She sees a psychologist and regular gp check but she refuses to do any more for herself, always has a negative answer to anything I suggest which might help and seems prepared to spend the rest of her days being miserable.
    Here is my issue. She is becoming more and more like our mum. Not the drinking particularly but the negativity and approach to her problems, and it's triggering me. It makes being around her very hard. Do I back off for the sake of my own sanity, or risk mine to help her hang on to hers? I cant sleep, can't eat, and can feel the black cloud slowly trying to cover me again...thanks all xx

    7 people are talking about this
    Community Voices

    For the past, as of the 13th, I'll have been working for a company that is at the moment getting too big for it's britches. I applied for a stylist position, with the "promise" of apprenticeship by January this year. I will refrain from using the name of the company I work for until Thursday for anonymity. I was left out of the mentoship/ apprenticeship program due to a clerical error on the company's part in a mass email sent to all salon assistants. I have a compromised immune system, ibs and ehlers-danlos in terms of physical disabilities and I will say that both stylists and management at my current job have nearly actively discriminated me because of these not to mention PTSD, and schizoaffective. Toxic positivity and unfortunately not much is ever said about this fact but in the beauty industry unless you're a woman or a white, straight man you will be paid less and deal with discrimination. I have never wanted to go to the worst job I've ever had more than working here and that job was working for a state agency. Harassment, hostile work environment, and too many triggers for someone is only recently going through trauma therapy, not to mention familial bonds that are forever changed because of certain parties habits, temperaments, and ability to inflict trauma. I've dealt with a range from alcoholism to being berated at to being low key emotional harassment complaint, in front of two managers who did nothing and said nothing in the past 10 months not to mention being downright ignored. I somehow wranglef my husband to come work at the same location ad me in another department "housekeeping" they have a fancier term for it but I won't use it for fear someone will know what salon and spa I'm talking about. He's been deemed racist by a 20 year old twig who would rather hide in a corner than do any job, and yes she is African American, however I must stress that my husband's best friends growing up were black. He doesn't see skin color or race. He literally didn't see this young woman hiding in a dark corner and she cried racist because of that. And management took her word over his in an instant. Again toxic positivity and toxic stress. We have of course found jobs in places that are much more positive along with not having to drive over 1,000 miles a week just to commute to work and home. So, to put in a nutshell for our mental health and our livelihood we will be working our last shift Thursday at the current employer and will be going to better things that will bring with it; finally, an emotional service dog for me who we're going to name Jeannie and finally furnishing a house we have been living in since December. We are so excited to finally be in happier places and environments along with knowing either people or clientele. This transition however has come at a cost, I am losing my dream of being in a high end salon, but at what price do you pay for mental health safety?? I'm certainly willing to do whatever it takes at this point. #MentalHealth #EhlersDanlosSyndrome #PTSD #SchizoaffectiveDisorder #Alcoholism #Toxicpositivity

    5 people are talking about this
    Community Voices

    Husband's tirades

    ##Alcoholism MY husband has yelling tirades every 2-3 weeks; he came from an alcoholic family,and got counseling once which was positive but he stopped. I have OCD (SINCE AGE 12) and this bad behavior he knows is wrong and he has said has to stop- permanently, he doesn't STOP. He then blames his behavior on my ANXIETY; I try to FIRMLY KINDLY REMIND HIM OF HIS COMMITTMENT TO STOP BUT HE DOESN'T. THIS HAS DEVASTATING EFFECTS ON MY PHYSICAL HEALTH. I AM EXHAUSTED FROM LOTS OF BAD THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED THIS YEAR; I DON'T HAVE THE ENERGY TO CONTINUE TO DEAL WITH HIS BAD BEHAVIOR. HIS Dr.said he shouldn't be drinking this much. He is very STUBBORN And won't listen to reason when he is like this. I CAN'T KEEP DEALING WITH THIS. ##OCD Anxiety

    2 people are talking about this
    Community Voices

    Husband's tirades#Alcoholism

    Husband just had birthday and was in bad mood. Has gotten into habit of drinking wine(to"relax") every night which Dr. Said NO to. HE IS VERY STUBBORN. He was starting to cut back but last night he broke his own rules and said "it's my birthday, I'll drink if I want to. I was trying kindly but firmly remind him of his d e casino and he flew into a yelling tirade and silent treatment which he knows is damaging to my OCD. decision

    Community Voices
    Community Voices

    Ketamine worked! Crossing fingers and toes that it holds!

    Ketamine worked for me... I'm crossing my fingers every day.

    TL;DR: Ketamine worked when nothing else did. I have my life back....

    So I had the opportunity to try Ketamine. We have a very progressive clinic (for MONTANA!!) in my city and everything seemed to align and I was able to try it.

    I was diagnosed with bipolar 1 at age 36, 15 years ago. After learning about the disease, it was established that it began at 17. I tried to get it under control for years with medications, therapy, different doctors. I finally got it to the point that the intense, full-blown manias stopped, but the depression continued.

    At age 42, the depression really took root as the major factor. I spent the next 8 years with a few hospitalizations and suicidal most of the time. There were some brief moments it lifted (the mania trying to break through) but it never lasted. I began to understand why so many individuals with Bipolar end up committing suicide in later (50s - 60s) years. My doctors and therapists confirmed that when you get older, even with medication, depression, brain fog, and the really awful parts of Bipolar seem to intensify. And let's be real. After we know what's going on, we know that manic episodes are destructive. However, in my experience with Bipolar depression, there were times I would romanticize the missed mania. At least I felt good when that happened- regardless of the destruction I would 'wake up' to later on.

    So Ketamine appeared. I have never been a drug-user. I was a drinker in my 20s and have gone through various stages of using alcohol as a buffer - but no alcoholism. (I KNOW alcoholism, my mother and brother have both died from it.)

    All I can say is HOLY CRAP. It worked. It's been 9 months and I just cannot explain how well it worked. I have NEVER in my life felt this good -- and in a stable way - no mania, hypomania, etc. If this is what people without mental illness feel like -- I was robbed more than I ever understood.

    If you get the opportunity - and I know it's still rare and expensive, etc. (I was lucky my insurance helped with the cost.) TRY IT! Please! TRY IT!#ketamine #Ketamineinfusions

    Community Voices

    Ketamine worked for me... I'm crossing my fingers every day.

    TL;DR: Ketamine worked when nothing else did. I have my life back....

    So I had the opportunity to try Ketamine. We have a very progressive clinic (for MONTANA!!) in my city and everything seemed to align and I was able to try it.

    I was diagnosed with bipolar 1 at age 36, 15 years ago. After learning about the disease, it was established that it began at 17. I tried to get it under control for years with medications, therapy, different doctors. I finally got it to the point that the intense, full-blown manias stopped, but the depression continued.

    At age 42, the depression really took root as the major factor. I spent the next 8 years with a few hospitalizations and suicidal most of the time. There were some brief moments it lifted (the mania trying to break through) but it never lasted. I began to understand why so many individuals with Bipolar end up committing suicide in later (50s - 60s) years. My doctors and therapists confirmed that when you get older, even with medication, depression, brain fog, and the really awful parts of Bipolar seem to intensify. And let's be real. After we know what's going on, we know that manic episodes are destructive. However, in my experience with Bipolar depression, there were times I would romanticize the missed mania. At least I felt good when that happened- regardless of the destruction I would 'wake up' to later on.

    So Ketamine appeared. I have never been a drug-user. I was a drinker in my 20s and have gone through various stages of using alcohol as a buffer - but no alcoholism. (I KNOW alcoholism, my mother and brother have both died from it.)

    All I can say is HOLY CRAP. It worked. It's been 9 months and I just cannot explain how well it worked. I have NEVER in my life felt this good -- and in a stable way - no mania, hypomania, etc. If this is what people without mental illness feel like -- I was robbed more than I ever understood.

    If you get the opportunity - and I know it's still rare and expensive, etc. (I was lucky my insurance helped with the cost.) TRY IT! Please! TRY IT!

    4 people are talking about this
    Community Voices

    I’m new here!

    Hi, my name is Marco. I'm here. That's a good start. Suffered from anxiety and panic attacks for many years, found tools & behaviors that helped me a lot. Still struggling sometimes though. Here to connect and to try out the functions in this app in the first place. I reside in Cologne, Germany.

    #MightyTogether #Anxiety #Alcoholism #Addiction

    11 people are talking about this
    Community Voices