Almost morning and I didn't sleep a wink
. Triggers before bedtime made my sleepless nights even worse
I know I'm blessed beyond words to have my babygirl but even thoughts of her and her safety ain't subsiding the horrible craving and urge for meth. I keep telling myself to hang in there and don't beat myself up too bad. But damn I want to get high.. I know if I use I'll become depressed, crazy, and lose what little clean time I've got since the last relapse. Please someone slap me or erase my head from horrible urges. Just another day to waste away my daughter's enjoyment of playing with mommy. If I use I will lose her eventually and I don't want that to happen at all. Maybe a kind word of encouragement or prayers would help. Sorry so long but I just needed to vent out my frustrations.
Hello. Due to a noise and thinking I have tinnitus my doctor has sent me off to have a MRI scan on my brain. Unfortunately the results are that I have had some tsi's or mini-strokes. I now need further tests before I see a neurologist at a major hospital up in Brisbane. Naturally I'm in shock w the news of yet another chronic illness that I now need to manage. Cancer, cardiomyopathy, chronic mental health and pancreatitis being the others. Yes I do realise it's goodthey're on top of it but pls allow me time to process. I'm struggling now . Worried about further more serious strokes. Thinking about turning out the lights
So, I've shared that I needed to have a MRI scan on my brain because of a sound in my head. I probably have tinnitus. Well the finding is that I've had some tsi's or mini-strokes. Apparently there's a 1 in 5 chance of a major stroke within the next 12 months. I need more tests before a referral to the Neurology Department at the PA hospital in Brisbane. Fortunately we're blessed with universal health care in Australia so there will be no out of pocket expenses.
I feel like I should just disappear again. And I probably will. About a year ago I was introduced to a good woman ,she truly is a good person but as usual I really don't care for her family and they live with her. My #Depression and other mental illnesses continually make my mind race and over think everything if there is a problem and I feel the need to say something before the words have even left my mouth I've thought of every possible outcome to my comments or actions. And my mind is a war zone. before I even finish talking, in my head I'm already getting angry from the possible responses that I'm thinking they will come back at me with. I guess what I would like to say is instead of disappearing again, I think I'm ready to just be done.
I've been feeling #down and #dark the last couple days. All I want is to stay in bed and never get out again. But at the moment I still manage to go to work, take minimum care of my house, walk the dog and take care of my husband. But I feel empty and dark inside. It is like I cannot breath or like there is this huge dark cloud over me. I have problems to concentrate at work and am constantly fighting back tears. Today I visited a former colleague. We have been through a lot together at my old work place and I really love her but I couldn't stand beeping around her and her family today. So after 1 1/2hrs I went back home. I told her I had a lot of stuff to do around the house. I was sorry to lie to her but I couldn't make it through a longer visit. And my new #DiabetesType2 meds are still giving me digestion problems. My husband is on sick leave for almost 5 month now which is also something that worries me. It is so much going on right now and I feel like I have no one to talk to. #feelingaloneandlost when I was younger I used to eat up my feelings during a time like this. But I know that binge eating won't help me. Which makes me feel even more lost. And with every pound I lose to become healthier I become more vulnerable.
With the holidays approaching. I'm already overwhelm with sadness.Moreover,it can be differcult keeping a,smile on my face while listening to everybody else's " Holiday cheer"!
10 years alone and counting.