Never judge a book by its cover. #chronic pain#Disability #Depression
This picture of my daughter shows a happy young woman, full of promise.
But underneath her smile is pain. The pain of feeling undeserving of love. The pain of excessive drinking to deal with those thoughts. The pain that came when she knew that she'd never feel good enough. Or enough.
My precious daughter passed away Feb 2022, when her heart finally gave out from chronic alcohol abuse. Her last year, she was hospitalized 7 (yes 7) times for pancreatitis due to her drinking. And her doctors warned her. Every time. Yet she always went back home, knowing that she'd continue drinking.
We talked by phone nearly every day. We shared music and books. And pics of our pets. And she'd say how she adored her husband. But that she didn't deserve his love or anyone's love. Nothing any of us said would change how she saw herself. Rehab didn't work. Therapy didn't work. She couldn't face the true source of her feelings and always stopped when therapy got too close Her friends, too, tried to help. But her beliefs came from a deep, dark place within her. We never found out what it was.
We are all moving on, in our own ways, at our own speed. Personally, I've learned that it's not disrespectful to her memory to move on.
I remember her as the 3 y/o, singing along with Patsy Cline on the radio. And at 18 months old, sitting in my lap, as we watched beavers in a pond, building their dam. And when we had to put the Christmas tree in the playpen to keep her OUT ! And her love of animals. And her laughter.
But mostly I remember that as each phone call ended, she'd say
"I love you Mama." And I'd reply
"I love you too, my precious girl." Or vice versa.💗
Those were our final words.
You really were the sunshine in all of our lives, Melinda.🌞
Rest peacefully, at last, precious girl, surrounded by God's love and Heavenly music and the animals you loved.