TW: #ChronicPain #Anxiety #SuicidalIdeation #Vent
I’ve lived with chronic pain all my life. Diagnosed with #ChronicMigraines at 6, #TemporomandibularJointDisorders at 14, #PsoriaticArthritis in all joints at 28, #Fibromyalgia at 29, #PolycysticOvarySyndrome at 30, #Cancer at 39, #ChemotherapyinducedPeripheralNeuropathy at 40. And countless other diagnosis along the way like #Asthma , #Diabetes , #sjogrens , #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome , #Cardiomyopathy , #CongestiveHeartFailure , #Anemia . All while dealing with #CPTSD , #MajorDepression , #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder , #DomesticAbuse , #ChildhoodSexualAbuse , #MedicalTrauma .
I’ve been in and out of hospital for both the cancer and my heart lately. The bile duct liver cancer is responding to chemo however due to a port that needs replacement and having been in hospital, I’ve not had chemo in a month. So it’ll be starting back up soon. I’m mixed about it, on the one hand what was meant to be palliative had turned out to be curative so that’s amazing. On the other hand the sickness and pain of chemo this time will suck because no meds!
No meds? Yes, no pain meds or pain management anything aside from “a” Tylenol if I really need it, not the prescription kind. Earlier this month while in hospital for my heart they decided 90% of the meds I was on were “heart toxic”, including my mental health meds and pain meds. So they had me cold turkey all of those and I can’t go back on them because they’re trying to give my heart a chance to improve and heal with the help of heart meds and off the meds that were bad for my heart. As well as lifestyle changes. My ejection fraction is 20-25% since April. They think it stemmed from a virus or infection and usually that heals within 6 months but the meds + weakness from chemo (my chemo meds don’t affect the heart itself) were not allowing it to heal. So now no pain meds, no pain preventing meds. No mental health meds aside from a Xanex to use in emergencies but can’t be mixed with or taken near my heart meds. Which means I can’t ever use it because I take heart meds 3x day.
Now I’m having pain flares of everything at once because no chemo for a while means my immune system is awake again and overreacting to literally all the things. I know pain, I’ve lived all my life with it and I have a high threshold for it. But I’ve never had to live with it in all its fury and all at once without help for any of it. The full pain with my untreated anxiety has led to almost nightly severe panic attacks at night because the severity of the pain keeps me from being able to sleep. I’m also freaking out at the thought of having to do chemo with no side effect help.
The intense pain/anxiety combo is throwing me deep in depression again and bringing back all the thoughts of ending things. It’s just so much to deal with at once, losing hope so quickly.
Thank you for letting me vent & for any support!