feelingaloneandlost

Been feeling really lost. Used to go through life happy and active.Very motivated to workout and enjoy art and nature. Outdoors. Lots of Traveling and very functional. Made some choices about work. Felt overwhelmed as a supervisor. Quit and went to different company then found myself laid off for a long time. Then conflicts between wife and my immediate family triggered a mental breakdown. Separation, moved out. Insomnia. Guilt. Self blame. Constant Suicidal thoughts. A week in mental hospital. A year and a half later, many meds, TMS. I still have trouble sleeping. Making simple decisions. Barely hanging on. Not thinking clearly. Feel like I’m in a constant fog. No stability. No roots. Everything is in storage. Alone in a hotel room, currently trying to work some labor job. Feel clumsy and everything feels wrong. Job is dirty and bad for health. At this point in my life (50) I feel like I should be so much better than this. Feel like a failure. Traveling and pretending things are ok. Not organized. Can’t seem to move forward. Can’t seem to create a change or a routine or a vision of my future. Can’t sleep well. No motivation or joy in activities or outdoors. So much confusion and self doubt. Want to be positive but feel like I have lost my way and my cognitive ability. I must make big decisions about divorce. About work. About life. Don’t know what to do or how long I can keep this up! Keep thinking like I want a do over. How to regain control of my life?

I sometimes regret telling my loved ones about what is going on in my head. I hide a lot of things but I scared off all of my friends and now I am scared of losing my family. #feelingaloneandlost #scared #SchizoaffectiveDisorder

I came home around 4:30 am, although being tired, I ended up not going to bed. My follow up for my mental health is coming up soon. My sleep pattern has been completely out of wack because I’ve been coming home late from work. I have been feeling better since being on medication. I still have dips every now and then, but other than that I’m enduring. I have been thinking about taking time off from work or asking for a doctors note for time off for a couple of weeks. I still struggle with emptiness from time to time along with my sense of identity. For the longest time, down to this day, I have zero perception of how people feel about me. What I mean is that I’m not aware if I person genuinely likes me, yet I can tell if someone dislikes me. Hopefully there will be more adjustments to be made, and some questions answered soon. #MentalHealth #Depression #identitydisturbance #lowselfesteem #LateNightThoughts #morningthoughts #feelingaloneandlost #tired #struggling

I think I have hit my limit. I’m exhausted in all fronts, I feel utterly and completely empty. I feel pretty broken inside. There feels like there’s no safe space, not even a place to hide. I wouldn’t mind if the ground swallowed me up at this moment. I’m just about at the point where I think that if I tell myself long enough to just give up on the hopes that I have, that maybe being numb to it all would make it all easier to deal with. Even though I shouldn’t, I just want to push everyone out so that I could just “be” for once. Every traumatic experience up to this point has came to the head of it all and I’m losing faith in people. I’m just really, really tired. #MentalHealth #Emptiness #Traumatized #Tiredofbeingtired #FeelingEmpty #feelingaloneandlost #Hoplessness #losinghopelosingstrength #deadinside

I just got in from work this morning to sit on the floor in my bedroom. I’ve just written a poem (as I sometimes do), only to be faced with the crayola markers and notebook in front of me. I’m physically exhausted, my mind is going around in circles over many different events and people in my life. I feel compelled to cry, but I can’t. I want to give into anger, but I can’t. So much time has been wasted on both of those things, and I feel like this is my body saying that it’s about time to give things up and stop hoping to be seen. All the while sitting with my hands in my lap, head hung low, the only noise heard is the fan going. I need to get up, but there feels like a disconnect from my brain and limbs. I seem to struggle with my self worth so much that I’ve come to realize that even my self image changes so often with different people along with different interests. It feels like I have a million different personalities for every specific thing. As much as I want to voice all that bothers me, it often feels better to keep a stiff upper lip at times because I’m very used to going through a lot by myself. Because of this, I find it very hard to ask for help. For many, many years, I’ve always felt that in some way something was/is wrong with me. As much as I crave community, I find myself wanting to separate myself from it whenever I feel trapped in. The same people that I’ve had deep admiration for are at times the ones I end up hating more than anything should things go south. I think all I’ve known in most of my relationships is instability. I come when I want your company, but I will leave without warning. Also making a point that I don’t need you. I’ve kept many people at a distance because of my wanting my independence and individuality above a number of things. But on the flip side, I could be selfless regardless of how you treat me. It’s moments like this where I feel everything and I don’t have anyone to share my feelings with because I feel that no one really understands the depth of my mind and the emotions I feel (which at times can be intense). So I do what I do whenever I get home from work... I sit on the floor feeling either empty or essentially numb. #MentalHealth #feelingaloneandlost #Thoughtspiral #numbness to everything #numb #Reflections #confessions #Splitting #Instability #feelings #Duality #Selfworth #Selfimage

Everyday has brought on a new meaning to the word “uncertainty”, and its all beginning to get tight. I find it very hard to vocalize what I want, but it’s basically this: a sense of safety, security both in the world and with myself, someone who understands me, and a good, solid reason to believe that things will get better. Also, to believe that love does win out in the end. I feel totally abandoned, very vulnerable, and completely lost and empty. #MentalHealth #overwhelmedbylife #FeelingVunerable #feelingaloneandlost #FearOfAbandonment #lostinmyownlife

Everyday has had its own new challenges and the like. Saying that “everything is getting too much” became a bit of an understatement as time passes. I do feel torn again. As much as I do want to reach out and talk to someone (anybody really), I also feel the need to isolate myself. I found out today that I will now live in a divided home, although it all hasn’t sunk in completely yet, I know that I’m gonna feel it in the worst way. It’s a little hard being separated from everyone at this time, I’ve also come to realize that this moment in time has been an eye opener to how I handle things as well. It’s also taught me that I as much as I like being alone, my life wouldn’t be complete without other people in it. I do feel that now I do need a “village” to help me, I can only do so much by myself. #MentalHealth #CheckInWithMe #feelingaloneandlost #ineedhelp #overwhelmedbylife #newreality

I’m at the point where the people I cared about now are on the other side with me. I want to distance myself from some of them, others I now severely dislike. I trust very few now and even though I feel this way now, it will all change instantly as if things went back to normal by tomorrow. And I’m forever in the middle. I want to let people in, but I find it hard to. I’d like to rely on someone, but after many experiences I’d rather strong arm my way then to do that. I’d like to have a relationship sometime in life, but I feel that not only have I been soured, but also it feels like keeping my distance from people is better then to subject myself to possibilities of meeting old ghosts with different faces. I can appreciate some darkness with the light, but I’m finding that I’m becoming more comfortable with the emptiness even when I’m no longer depressed. I’ll be seeing a psychologist soon. I feel I have to kill all of my feelings to survive, and that unfortunately, seems to be the kind of numbing that keeps me going sometimes. #MentalHealth #feelingaloneandlost #distance #Splitting #Emptiness #numb #CheckInWithMe