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When your nightmares are no longer dreams
#SeparationAnxiety #attachmentanxiety
My school counsellor has been my biggest supporter for the past few years, and she is also my FP. She is my role model and I have a really intense attachment to her, so it’s hard to wait more than even a week to see her for just an hour... she has been away for the past two weeks, and, and I also know that in the next half a year I will be finishing up all together with her... and it is a super scary thought for me. I have always had dreams at night that I have gotten pulled away from her, where either she abandoned me by choice or (most of the time) it is another force that pulls both of us apart - trusting now that she wouldn’t leave me sooner than she needs to no matter what happens... and when I had those dreams that I lost her, or that I got the news that I had would loose her, I’d wake up “It’s only a dream... fewf...” now that I and the rest of the city, and mind you, world, has been bombarded with emails from ( my) work and school that everything is basically closing down “Unil further notice” which could be weeks to months, I had one of those dreams again where I lost her... I could t see her anymore... only when I woke up this time, it was not only a dream...
I have been having a panic attack and meltdowns or 5 each day... unable to tame that child in me, after all the skills I’ve learned, despite all that I am doing (getting out to bike, creative stuff, to-dos to keep me busy, etc) and the separation anxiety due to not being able to see my therapist because of this COVID-19.... it’s super eating me up really badly and I am just wanting to “die” sometimes which is the start of unsafe thoughts or self harmful thoughts!!! ahhh I am trying my best!!! I just can’t do it without her yet! I miss my therapist I need her back!
