My mom calling my dad an Effing Coward, them calling each other names my mom especially putting him now, sister and mom fighting, me and my mom lately not getting along either or avoiding each other. It’s a little hard.
I saw this question in my Wife’s office this week and I instantly thought how profound and powerful it was.
“Why am I saying yes to this?”
How many times and situations would thought have been helpful. I hate saying no to people because I don’t want to disappoint them. Yet, often by saying yes I am disappointing myself.
I intend to start asking myself this question, often.
Pause for a moment and think about all the things that are being asked of you. When we give all of our selves to so many other people and things, we are often left with no energy, time and love for ourselves. Protecting your own needs is a critical part of honoring your self worth.
It's not only "okay" to say no to things that do not serve us, it is our obligation to our own self-care and peace to decide how to use our energy, time and resources. Boundaries are self-care in action.
Do you have some people in your life that are a bit “too much” to be around? They maybe a friend who demands a lot of attention. It could be a co-worker who has one drama after another. We used to say “that person has so many issues, they need a magazine rack.” LOL! Maybe your family member is jealous of your new apartment, your new smart phone, your new boyfriend, your new fill-in-the-blank.
I have someone in my life who is “too much”. During the first 5 or 10 minutes of the phone conversation, I feel as if I have been hit by a Mack truck. This person just talks about one thing after another, so fast and furious that I do not even know if she is taking breaths. I have even told her to breathe just to give my ears a chance to rest.
Boundaries are important in relationships. They define where you end and the other person begins. Sometimes people cross those boundaries. When that happens, sometimes it opens us up to triggers that could send our mental illness into a downward spiral.
I have heard the term “energy vampires” for people who suck the very life out of you which initiates poor mental health triggers. The examples of people above are energy vampires. They are the types of people who make you feel like you need a recovery nap after being with them.
Setting up appropriate boundaries with these people will keep you from experiencing triggers and keep your mental illness from spiraling out of control. The boundaries I have erected around myself to protect my fragile mental health from being sabotaged from the person I mentioned, keeps me sane.
Call to Action
1. Assertive Communication. Reminding the energy vampire that you are part of the conversation too by reiterating something you said earlier and saying you didn’t want it to be missed.
2. Asking for Space. It is okay to ask for space if you are doing life together like at the office. You can politely say their huge personality is a bit much to handle at the moment and you need a break.
3. Say No. It is okay to say no. Let me say that again, it is okay to say no. You are not a door mat for someone to walk over or to take advantage of.
#If you have any ways you handle these energy vampires, please email me at email@example.com or simply put your ideas in the comments.
“What Is an ‘Energy Vampire’ and How to Protect Yourself”
A silent yet raging sea-
A boiling pot brimming,
My dancing loon of a heart trips about upon a craggy cliff.
And it is at these times I feel a lack,
That alien void,
The dark wonder that creeps along my spine,
Is there anyone,
With a soul close to mine.
I’ve always had trouble with boundaries. I’ve spent a lotttt of time analyzing why but the right answer is probably the simplest answer. I have a hard time keeping and maintaining boundaries because growing up I didn’t have any. I didn’t have anything to truly call mine. Not even my thoughts and emotions were my own. My mom is a therapist and since I was young she had the power of pulling everything out of me and reinterpreting them in her own voice. I have a lot of family living all around the world and many months out of the year, my bedroom, that I share with my sister, would be lent out to people whose name I’ve already forgotten. Anything I wished to keep private, I would have to hide because again, my room belonged to whoever needed it most that month. Having two full-time working parents, I was taken care of by other families more than my own. Everyone had access to me and people abused that access. Boundaries wasn’t something I was familiar with until I went to college. And the thing about not understanding boundaries is that you consistantly make your presence unwanted. I’ve dealt a lot with feeling unwanted in my past, but that was not my “fault”. Dealing with being unwanted because you didn’t respect boundaries, yeah, that’s your fault.
A little while ago, I did for a friend what no one has ever done for me, and that was sticking up to a person who truly wronged her. See, I was wronged in the same way before. So yes, I had something deeper driving me other than seeking justice for my friend. I was personally invested. Thinking about it now, I really thought I would feel better about my situation if her situation was handled “correctly”. Maybe it would show me that you don’t need your own family to stick up for you, that you can create you’re own family who would do it without question. That a person, who’s place it’s absolutely not, to interfere in a family that’s ultimately not theirs, is actually a good thing. The best thing. Because what’s better than someone doing something nice for you, when they truly didn’t have to, when it wasn’t even their place to do so. Anyways, that’s what I was thinking. How wrong I was. The person who had done my friend wrong was her cousin. Yes, prior to this, this person was a good friend of mine as well, but more importantly she was my friends cousin. Again I was reminded how thick blood was compared to water. What I would have killed for someone to do for me, I was obliterated for. And looking back, now that I’m not in the emotional state I was in when I made the decision to interfere, how correct they all are. What the fuck was I doing lol? How many times do I have to learn that at the end of the day, people will always choose themselves. Their blood. Why did I put myself in a position AGAIN where I had to be reminded my place. It doesn’t matter how wrong family do each other, family stick with family. Not all family are mine. It’s so crazy, because this is so something a year ago me would do. I thought I had grown past this. Past trying to do right by others at the expense of myself. Past trying to deal with my own shit by fixing other peoples. It’s insanse how other peoples problems feel so much easier to solve than your own. Because I’ve been known to do that, you see. I’ve always been the one eager to put a smile on someone’s face. Eager to make someone’s day. Eager to take the shoes off my feet to give to someone else. Eager to feel like I am the reason someone else is feeling joy. There you go again. No Boundries. My dad at a young age would tell me I try too hard to make others happy. That I go out of my way to solve people’s issues, inserting myself where I don’t belong. I think I just need to realize that I belong in the bedroom that gets handed off to whoever needs it most, and accept it. I thought I was doing good, finally feeling comfortable being in my own company, trusting and committing only to myself. And I was, I really was. I've come a long way from the scared little girl I used to be. But as it turns out I need a little more work. Because wow, has life been teaching me lessons. It's not enough to create boundaries with people who hurt you; I have to remember to create boundaries with people I love and want to protect as well. #boundaries #Depression #ManagingDepression
For years, whenever something happens I always hear that inner voice that sounds like my mom that says:"Be nice." As a child, I did so, as a teen, I was reluctant yet I did, as and adult... I'm literally screaming "I DON'T WANT TO!!!" at that same inner voice. I can be a nice person, I care about people more than I really care to admit, but I realize that being nice to some people all of the time literally feels like I'm still holding the door open for them to take all of my time and energy. I am still learning to set boundaries and it was always hard for me to say "no" to people for this exact reason. I want to learn how to balance this because I really don't want to be trapped in this same narrative for the rest of my life. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #innervoice #boundaries