boundaries

My mom calling my dad an Effing Coward, them calling each other names my mom especially putting him now, sister and mom fighting, me and my mom lately not getting along either or avoiding each other. It’s a little hard.

#struggling #dysfunctional #Toxic #hard #Family #help #Relationships #boundaries #BadDay

I feel,
Within,
A silent yet raging sea-
A boiling pot brimming,
My dancing loon of a heart trips about upon a craggy cliff.

And it is at these times I feel a lack,
That alien void,
The dark wonder that creeps along my spine,

Is there anyone,
Anywhere,
With a soul close to mine.

#Poetry #Loneliness #alone #boundaries #Friends #Family

I’ve always had trouble with boundaries. I’ve spent a lotttt of time analyzing why but the right answer is probably the simplest answer. I have a hard time keeping and maintaining boundaries because growing up I didn’t have any. I didn’t have anything to truly call mine. Not even my thoughts and emotions were my own. My mom is a therapist and since I was young she had the power of pulling everything out of me and reinterpreting them in her own voice. I have a lot of family living all around the world and many months out of the year, my bedroom, that I share with my sister, would be lent out to people whose name I’ve already forgotten. Anything I wished to keep private, I would have to hide because again, my room belonged to whoever needed it most that month. Having two full-time working parents, I was taken care of by other families more than my own. Everyone had access to me and people abused that access. Boundaries wasn’t something I was familiar with until I went to college. And the thing about not understanding boundaries is that you consistantly make your presence unwanted. I’ve dealt a lot with feeling unwanted in my past, but that was not my “fault”. Dealing with being unwanted because you didn’t respect boundaries, yeah, that’s your fault.

A little while ago, I did for a friend what no one has ever done for me, and that was sticking up to a person who truly wronged her. See, I was wronged in the same way before. So yes, I had something deeper driving me other than seeking justice for my friend. I was personally invested. Thinking about it now, I really thought I would feel better about my situation if her situation was handled “correctly”. Maybe it would show me that you don’t need your own family to stick up for you, that you can create you’re own family who would do it without question. That a person, who’s place it’s absolutely not, to interfere in a family that’s ultimately not theirs, is actually a good thing. The best thing. Because what’s better than someone doing something nice for you, when they truly didn’t have to, when it wasn’t even their place to do so. Anyways, that’s what I was thinking. How wrong I was. The person who had done my friend wrong was her cousin. Yes, prior to this, this person was a good friend of mine as well, but more importantly she was my friends cousin. Again I was reminded how thick blood was compared to water. What I would have killed for someone to do for me, I was obliterated for. And looking back, now that I’m not in the emotional state I was in when I made the decision to interfere, how correct they all are. What the fuck was I doing lol? How many times do I have to learn that at the end of the day, people will always choose themselves. Their blood. Why did I put myself in a position AGAIN where I had to be reminded my place. It doesn’t matter how wrong family do each other, family stick with family. Not all family are mine. It’s so crazy, because this is so something a year ago me would do. I thought I had grown past this. Past trying to do right by others at the expense of myself. Past trying to deal with my own shit by fixing other peoples. It’s insanse how other peoples problems feel so much easier to solve than your own. Because I’ve been known to do that, you see. I’ve always been the one eager to put a smile on someone’s face. Eager to make someone’s day. Eager to take the shoes off my feet to give to someone else. Eager to feel like I am the reason someone else is feeling joy. There you go again. No Boundries. My dad at a young age would tell me I try too hard to make others happy. That I go out of my way to solve people’s issues, inserting myself where I don’t belong. I think I just need to realize that I belong in the bedroom that gets handed off to whoever needs it most, and accept it. I thought I was doing good, finally feeling comfortable being in my own company, trusting and committing only to myself. And I was, I really was. I've come a long way from the scared little girl I used to be. But as it turns out I need a little more work. Because wow, has life been teaching me lessons. It's not enough to create boundaries with people who hurt you; I have to remember to create boundaries with people I love and want to protect as well. #boundaries #Depression #ManagingDepression

For years, whenever something happens I always hear that inner voice that sounds like my mom that says:"Be nice." As a child, I did so, as a teen, I was reluctant yet I did, as and adult... I'm literally screaming "I DON'T WANT TO!!!" at that same inner voice. I can be a nice person, I care about people more than I really care to admit, but I realize that being nice to some people all of the time literally feels like I'm still holding the door open for them to take all of my time and energy. I am still learning to set boundaries and it was always hard for me to say "no" to people for this exact reason. I want to learn how to balance this because I really don't want to be trapped in this same narrative for the rest of my life. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #innervoice #boundaries