Goodbye to 2023 - Searching for hope & joy for 2024....
The last post I made was a year ago. At that time, I found myself engulfed by Depression, Anxiety, Exhaustion, Frustration, Isolation, Chronic Pain, Insomnia, Feelings of Failing as a Mom, Paralyzed by PTSD, blah blah blah.
Now, 2024 is here. Unfortunately, I would describe myself similarly, but I am trying my best to start anew each day. I finally have the formal diagnosis of Behcets. That validation is huge, but I don't feel functionally better. I am on tons of medications, in therapy and focusing every ounce of energy I have on my precious children. I have tried to explain my illness to them, but their father (we are separated), does not back me and seems to find enjoyment in throwing me under the bus to try to make him look like a "better" parent. I will not do that to him and my integrity is intact. I can only control my actions and reactions to others; not what others choose to do or not do.
One of my biggest frustrations is the unpredictability of how I physically feel. Time and time again, I have to cancel plans because I just can't find the energy to do whatever is planned. I have learned not to tell my kids if I plan something to avoid disappointing them. We spend more and more time at home and I want so much more for them and their collective experiences regarding travel, hobbies and joyful memories.
I have to accept that I will not be able to work again. Work was a huge part of my life and such a huge passion of mine. I miss working SO much. I was working as a licensed clinical social worker and have kept up my license for ten years, despite not working. My Doctor recommended that I apply for SSDI, but I think I have been delaying doing this because it hurts so much to actually put in writing that I am unable to work. I am seeking advice in how to best apply - using my other diagnoses or only focus on the Behcets? I am in CA, US. Please throw any advice my way. If I was to get denied, I don't know how much energy I have to fight to prove how "sick" I am.
Many thanks in advance! xoxo