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Urges to go back to church

So back in high school in my last couple years I started going to youth group and eventually church on sunday's too I really enjoyed it, felt welcome and felt good. I liked making friends there but after a while I found it hard to consider myself Christian with all the bs in the world and then went down different paths and strayed very far from it. I haven't been to a church in like 5 years and I miss that kind of friendship and community so much. Lately I've been thinking about it and I want to back to a church if i found one near me that seems nice enough but I also feel really weird about going to church again and don't know if I'd actually want to be there or if I'm only going because I want some kind of support group and not care about the religion side of it. Past few months my depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts have only gotten worse and worse, often when i went to church i spoke up about it to people and i want to believe it helped but i can't believe that it's actually true. But i still feel so desperate for anything to help. Does anyone have experiences with going away from church and going back or following different beliefs that are complete opposites to going back to church?

#Church #Anxiety #Depression #SuicidalThoughts #Christian #Religion #beliefs


What caused me to be this way? Nothing?

It's not unusual to hear that childhood influences and or/genetics can affect a person's traits later in life. During the first seven years in life that is when your core beliefs are formed by the environment, you know the ones that are difficult to get rid of because they're in the subconscious mind. But I seem to be a natural screw up. I used to have very low self-esteem in high school and I can't think of the reason why that is so (maybe a teenage phase? Nah). Whenever other people talk about these things most of the time they mention that they hear certain things from their family, were abused etc. I used to have these screwed up beliefs about myself and they seem to be out of nowhere.

From who did I hear that I was a failure? Stupid? Trash? It is either I do not remember or it never happened. Probably the latter. So I made it all up? Well I can't say I was raised in an abusive home because it's simply not true. I think from my upbringing I AM SUPPOSED TO be happy, more sociable, less prone to mental illness, resilient, perseverant and hardworking. But what happened instead? My social life in Junior High was total crap, there was a part in my school life wherein I became lazy, I give up easily, and now I get these negative thoughts for no reason. What the hell is wrong with me? Shouldn't I uh, be more POSITIVE since no one is yelling shit at me?

I'm supposed to be "grateful" that nothing "traumatic" (at least in conventional standards) happened in my childhood but instead I'm angry that I have these mental "problems" in the first place when there is no reason for me to. Why do I think I'm X when nobody told me I was X. Whenever I talk about family "problems" I feel like I'm exaggerating them. Same with my childhood. I'm so angry that I have become a screw up for a small problem.

#Depression #Anxiety #MentalHealth #rant #Childhood #beliefs