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God and Bipolar

I grew up religious. I went to a Christian school and to church every Sunday. When I went to college, I went to church there and also joined a student ministry.

My bipolar hit spring of my sophomore year of college in 2017. It manifested as hyper religious mania. I went undiagnosed for the rest of 2017- the whole time thinking my manic episode was a spiritual experience and people just didn’t understand.

My second manic episode happened that fall. It was also hyper religious mania, but this time I had a psychotic break that led to trauma and finally a diagnosis of Bipolar I and PTSD.

After this episode, I tried to remain religious and spiritual and not “turn my back” on God and Jesus.

But it was just too hard to try to reconcile what had happened to me with the idea of a loving God. The questions of why bad things happen and how does God fit into my life apart from psychosis were too big for me to ignore. I was also incredibly hurt by the church and their inability to help me through both my manic episodes and the aftermath. I felt so alone, how could God be real?

So I broke up with God. I told him I might come back one day, but I wanted absolutely nothing to do with him.

Fast forward five years. I was in my first year of grad school, finally doing what I dreamed. And I started to want to believe in something again. A higher power. Certainly not Jesus, but some kind of deity I guess.

It didn’t take long for me to realize I wanted to be a Christian again. It was what I grew up with. My family history. And I wanted it back.

I had my third manic episode a couple weeks after flirting with the idea of religion.

This one was the worst in terms of psychosis. Hyper religiosity once again, but with psychotic hallucinations of trauma.

I’m now healing and stable, but I’m struggling with discerning what was my sick mind and what could have been God.

It’s hard. But I want to know God.

I’m realizing my pursuit of God is not going to be the same as it was pre diagnosis. I have a lot to learn. But I’m learning.

This is a quote from C.S. Lewis’s the Chronicles of Narnia. It says, “you would not have called to me unless I had been calling to you.”

I like to think God had been calling me back this whole time, slowly melting my heart with every little reminder of him until I was ready to come home.

I hope it’s real and not manic musings.

#BipolarDisorder #Spirituality #Christianity

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Thursday Thoughts and Lunch

Thanks be to God that I was blessed with the energy to cook a solid meal for the first time in a couple of days. Scrambled eggs with olive oil, turmeric, sea salt, pepper, garlic powder, and rosemary; snap pea chips and white toast with sweet potato butter. It needs some work and may not look the best, but it was pretty tasty. Listening to music while cooking also really helped.

I’ve not felt the best in a minute, and my faith has suffered and weakened these past few weeks. I worked my first job recently for three days before my anxiety prevented me from holding it down. In a restaurant, too, to beat it all. All the while, I was struggling spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. It’s only slid further downhill from there. I haven’t read my Bible in a while either because I’m scared of what I might come across, and I haven’t been good at following its teachings in years.

I’m no good at self-care, but I’m trying to prioritize it more today. I went outside yesterday and sat in the shade while listening to music. It sounds hokey, but it made me feel a little better. I started picking up my room, as it was cluttered. I made my bed today and put some stuff away. I still need to do dishes and laundry and clean my drain. That’ll come soon, hopefully.

How do you engage in self-care?

#Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Sadness #Spirituality #Religion #Cooking #Selfcare

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What’s your experience with a karmic lesson? (If any).

Just found out what this is. Essentially it’s when you’re stuck in a cycle putting up with different people but the same triggers and attitude and the cycle won’t stop until you’ve learned your lesson. I’ve had to learn this the hard way. #checkin #karmiclesson #mentalwellbeing
#ChronicFatigue #Spirituality #checkin #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #imbalance #Depression #Anxiety #ChronicDepression #Karma #learnsomethingnew #thirdeye

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🌻 I'd need some strength, so I think I'm just gonna go with the flow.

#nativeamericans #Quotes #Spirituality

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Something that has really helped me stay on the track to better health is consistency. Staying consistent with treating your mental health (medication and therapy) is wonderful. However there are many other ways you can be consistent in your life too. Consistency has a lot to do with habits and while forming or breaking a habit can be daunting, it is possible. Treat yourself with grace, patience and kindness. You deserve it, especially if you are trying to break a toxic and unhealthy habit. Try to be consistent with your physical health too. Treat your body with the respect it deserves. I personally am attempting to have better physical health. I am making changes to my lifestyle. If you are religious (like I am) or spiritual then try to be consistent there too. I am trying to keep a prayer journal as well as my regular journal. When you are anxious or depressed, remind yourself that it is okay to not be okay but do not let them play tricks on you. You can and will reach your goals with consistency. One of my goals is to heal (as an abuse survivor) to a point where I no longer have crying spells or go into a mental health crisis. What is your goal and how will consistency help you reach it?

#SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Trauma #Inspiration #Motivation #CONSISTENT #Health #Anxiety #Depression #thankful #Hope #Religion #Spirituality #Lifestyle

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#Religion #witchcraft #Spirituality

#witchcraft my journey, obviously isn’t the norm and I’m OK with that. I just wish people would respect others when it comes to religion spirituality as long as nobody is getting hurt/killed I see no crimes committed.

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Navigating Nature, Community, and the Digital World as a Witch

I have a lot of difficulty with integrative practices, by which I mean my brain can be quite rigid and compartmentalized due to trauma, and it's hard to mash two compartments together.

One of the ways this presents for me as a practicing witch is my struggle to unite the natural aspects of the practice, which I find grounding and liberating, with the communal and Digital aspects, each of which I find independently triggering as well as inseparable in our modern world.

I feel the call of the hermit. My broken BPD heart just wants to be alone in the forest listening to the animals and the wind in the trees. And I'm actually taking steps to make my real life closer to the this, but I also know I crave community. This is the part that is harder for me.

Community is triggering. In my past, and particularly related to my religious trauma, community has represented a controlling force, mass enmeshment, and segregation from outside groups. The community I envision for myself is nothing like this, but I still find myself too afraid to engage much in any group of community members.

Individual interactions are also triggering. While I find it easier to cope with one person than with a group, I live with attachment issues, have difficulty reading other people, and carry a lot of residual shame that keeps me from opening up effectively. It's hard for people to understand this, and even harder to get them to stick around long enough to learn how to get to know me.

Which brings me to the Digital world, including here on The Mighty. Using screens and internet has left me feeling very ungrounded in the last couple years. I lose too much time, get distracted and unfocused, or see something triggering that could have been avoided. And then I end up thinking about all that lost time and energy I could have put into the "real world".

Can anyone else relate to any of these struggles?

Are there ways you have been able to integrate your spiritual practice into community and/or online efforts?

Do you have any other coping skills or tools you've found useful in these areas?

Thank you for reading. 🙏🌿🌙

#Disability #ChronicIllness #MentalHealth #CPTSD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #Depression #Spirituality #Nature #Community #MightyTogether

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Growing Pains

Back in the day,

We used to play outside till dawn

Now, we're just another government pawn

Back in the day,

We used to live, laugh & grow

Now, we are forced to work our asses off bro

What is this shit? (mind my language)

Death is a trap to try and get us to submit?

As kids, we couldn't wait to be adults

Now, I reflect and I am like that was truly nuts!

The days when we could cry and be comforted

Childhood turned to adulthood and those days plummeted

Now, we're struggling to make ends meet, Who would have thought, childhood was only a treat

But it's life,

So put away that knife

It is what it is -

God is good, all is his

Better days are ahead

So, go and continue to chase that bread!

#Life #resilience #NeverGiveUp #Suicide #SuicideAwareness #Selfharm #selfharmawareness #strength #courage #bravery #Independence #freedom #freedomwriters #useyourwords #expression #expressyourself #creativity #Deep #deepthinkers #bold #Spirituality #Meditation #Spiritual #calm #Zen #gowiththeflow #liveinthepresent #loa #TheSecret #manifest #manifestation #Positivity #PositiveVibes #GoodVibes #vibes #Energy #YouCanDoIt #Believe #Hope #Care #Empathy #compassion

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