God and Bipolar
I grew up religious. I went to a Christian school and to church every Sunday. When I went to college, I went to church there and also joined a student ministry.
My bipolar hit spring of my sophomore year of college in 2017. It manifested as hyper religious mania. I went undiagnosed for the rest of 2017- the whole time thinking my manic episode was a spiritual experience and people just didn’t understand.
After this episode, I tried to remain religious and spiritual and not “turn my back” on God and Jesus.
But it was just too hard to try to reconcile what had happened to me with the idea of a loving God. The questions of why bad things happen and how does God fit into my life apart from psychosis were too big for me to ignore. I was also incredibly hurt by the church and their inability to help me through both my manic episodes and the aftermath. I felt so alone, how could God be real?
So I broke up with God. I told him I might come back one day, but I wanted absolutely nothing to do with him.
Fast forward five years. I was in my first year of grad school, finally doing what I dreamed. And I started to want to believe in something again. A higher power. Certainly not Jesus, but some kind of deity I guess.
It didn’t take long for me to realize I wanted to be a Christian again. It was what I grew up with. My family history. And I wanted it back.
I had my third manic episode a couple weeks after flirting with the idea of religion.
This one was the worst in terms of psychosis. Hyper religiosity once again, but with psychotic hallucinations of trauma.
I’m now healing and stable, but I’m struggling with discerning what was my sick mind and what could have been God.
It’s hard. But I want to know God.
I’m realizing my pursuit of God is not going to be the same as it was pre diagnosis. I have a lot to learn. But I’m learning.
This is a quote from C.S. Lewis’s the Chronicles of Narnia. It says, “you would not have called to me unless I had been calling to you.”
I like to think God had been calling me back this whole time, slowly melting my heart with every little reminder of him until I was ready to come home.
I hope it’s real and not manic musings.