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I just wanted to get this out of my head.

When the only word that fits is despair.

Despair. Loss of hope. Someone or something that causes hopelessness.
Hopelessness. Beyond optimism.
When your life as you know it, is taken from you.

When being you is no longer an option.
No longer viable.
No choices.
Chained to the idea of overcoming the unconquerable.

Your body and soul detach.
Your mind is the only part of you left.
Your heart clings to hope.
But it's hopeless.

A tear as you slip under this force committed to drowning you.
Acceptance as you are pulled under.

And despair.
True despair.

When the life you know, is no longer.

#Depression #ChronicIllness #brainstem #neuro


Ideas for a stay at home date #ChronicIllness

We were only a new relationship a few months before I got ill, we used to go out for drinks til late, carefree..
He just turned 23 last month I'm 27. We just did whatever we felt like.
Now.. we sometimes go out to eat or go for a small walk on the weekend and I haven't had an actual night out for months. If we stay in, we watch films or documentaries.... He must be bored by now, there must be something else a bit more fun that we can do? Do you have any ideas?

I have inflammation in my brain stem. And so I have problems with any kind of movement, dizziness, tiredness, thought processes.... The list goes on. Not to mention the self loathing from the disgusting steroid side effects.
It's just not fair, he didn't sign up for this mess.
#DatingWithAChronicIllness #Anxiety #Prednisolone #Inflammation #brainstem


my last post wasn't anxiety at all

In November and December I was admitted to hospital when I lost control of my own body.
To begin with, the doctors and nurses at hospital and my gp told me it was anxiety.... Until I ended up in a wheelchair...

Double vision, paralysis, couldn't hear or speak, numbness.... I eventually felt like I was just 1 single eye on a hospital bed.

A scan showed inflammation on my brain stem.
Things went from bad to worse, it got to the point that I felt ready to give up. I told my mum "by tomorrow I won't be able to speak anymore, so if this is permanent, I'm not doing it"
I came face to face with the possibility that I was going to lose my life, or at least my life the way I knew it.

From being pushed in a wheelchair, to walking up hills in my favourite rural spot, in just over a month, seems like a miracle, my life was handed back to me.
There's still a long road to full recovery and I'm not safe yet.

But I'm so thankful to the doctors and nurses who helped me.
In a strange way, I feel as though I've been given the chance to live with a new perspective.

And with this new outlook on life, I'm not looking back.

#brainhealth #brainstem #neuroscience #neuro #live #Life #itsnotanxiety #bepersistant