Burnout

I vent… On a social media platform, I’m quiet new too…
And even though I’m scared to death, I just hope to find some understanding, maybe even support…

I‘ve got multiple disorders… I’m sure of this…

Social Anxiety is just the tip of the iceberg.

But for now it’s the only thing diagnosed.

I battle Depression for months now.
There were multiple times were I seriously thought about ending it all, had multiple plans and all the means but couldn’t carry it out…
But my therapist hasn’t diagnosed it yet…
Still I’m on antidepressant, from my psychiatrist, and they work a little…

For months now I tried to get help…
But it never worked out…
(Therapy helped a little but there were too many fires that needed to be put out, so we never got to work on the real issues. It was always just an intervention of the current crisis…)
Getting into a mental health hospital has been an odysee so far…
(Mostly because the only diagnosis I have is social anxiety and it doesn’t match with all the extra symptoms I experience… Also I’m still waiting for a reply on the current one…)

I’m also quite sure I have C-PTSD.
I have all the symptoms and multiple traumatic events in my childhood beginning with my premature birth…
I’m also deathly afraid of everything medical (yes, that includes my therapist’s office)…
Last year I was retraumatised by a dentist appointment…
The pain and glaring light opened up depths of memories I had repressed, stored as flashes of pictures and deep emotions of helplessness and despair…

In the past months I’ve been triggered multiple times. Smells and sounds trigger flashbacks. Mostly emotional, sometimes visual.

I couldn’t function properly at work because I was triggered multiple times a day.
A screaming infant.
My own hunger.
Disinfectant.
A child’s toy, an ambulance that I needed to repair.
The intimacy of changing diapers.
The sirens of a real life ambulance.
First responders.
The tiling of a bathroom.
The list is endless…

Then there are the triggers of all the bullying…
The smell of a deodorant sends me back into a memory.
Teenagers talk about me or laugh at me and I feel like a child again even though I’m an adult.
Teens laughing make my heart race and search for anything that could make me look bad…

Triggers are everywhere.

But through it all I still keep surviving…

Once again my problem is high functionality…

My therapist is still in training and is too unsure to diagnose me. She says I’m too complex…

She won’t even diagnose my Depression.
Just because I’m still „functioning“ she doesn‘t think I have it.

Even though I quit my job because I couldn’t function anymore… I lost weight because there were times where I just couldn’t eat…
Suicidal thoughts were a constant background hum… Now they occasionally visit…
I’m apathetic, I can’t move…
I isolate myself because I just can’t face people…

Putting on a mask has become so normal that I can’t even lower it around my most intimate friends… But luckily they can see through it…

I hate what I have turned into…
For months I felt like someone else has taken over my life, it felt like I stumbled into a parallel dimension of my life…
I depersonalised…
But I accepted that this is it…
It’s all my own doing… And I hate it…
I feel ashamed. I grapple with the question if I deserve to exist… it often feels like I only get to exist if I give something to people…
I have dreams for my future but they seem impossible to reach…
I feel hopeless…

I feel joy, it comes in small doses but every time I’m genuinely happy I feel as if I don’t really deserve it, I feel like an imposter…
Every time it gets bad I feel like all the good times never happened and every time I feel happy all the bad things feel like a dream…

Too escape it all I read…
I distract, I never seem to stop…

But to my therapist says I’m functioning just fine…
I reach out and get help when it gets bad.
I have a plan for emergencies.
I cope with negative emotions, sometimes the strategies are healthy sometimes they’re not…
I derealise often…
(When the emotions get too bad I self harm…
I try to stop but even then I scratch it open…)
But also I distract myself from everything.
Mostly because I don’t feel safe at home and want to address everything in a professional setting…
So for now I can’t do anything but wait and survive day by day…

Anyone else feel like they’re too high functioning to get the help they need?
And has any tips on how to go on?

[I know I will be beating myself up for posting this later on but I just need someone to listen…]

#SocialAnxiety #SocialAnxietyDisorder #Depression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Burnout #CPTSD #PTSD #MentalHealth

I fell off the map for a few days - I hope I didn’t worry you, and I apologize if I did. Thank you for checking in on me even when I couldn’t respond. I was able to get back to a somewhat manageable mental “normal” at least for the time being. Work is still a lot, the collective task list is a lot, home life is a lot, but I’m trying to not think about it for just a little bit. I just need to turn my mind off and get some (very long overdue) cleaning done. I’m not ignoring your texts, I swear, I just couldn’t handle my thoughts for too long on this. Please don’t stop reaching out - I do read your messages, and when I’m in a better head space, I will reply. Thanks for being patient with me. I’m doing my best.

I know we’ve talked about how I don’t necessarily fit the typical autistic or ADHD stereotype, but if you think about it, I’ve have at least the last 30 years to perfect my ability to hide my real self - I’m an expert. I’ve even fooled myself, but now, it’s become a problem because the pressure is too great to handle alone. I’m embarrassed, self critical, angry, and ashamed that I can’t handle it alone, that I’m not strong enough. I resist help even when it’s the only way out; I am trying to recognize when I need help and learning how to allow myself to ask for help - it’s more difficult than I expected. I appreciate you, your help and for thinking of me. I’m working on getting out of the trenches, but, for now, I’m hopeful. I will be in touch when able 🤟🏻

[if you don’t have the words to text a friend for help, feel free to copy and paste to at least let your loved ones know about your situation. As someone who works in the medical field, I can say that everyone is different; bodies, minds, needs, etc can differ greatly from person to person. Help for one person may adversely a/effect another. Something you may not think to try could move you in a good direction.
What do YOU need?
Ask for that, aim for that, it’s easier said than done, obviously, I’m struggling as well, but I want to be able to feel like I’m allowed exist, not just trying to survive, and I think that alone is worth the struggle. I’m rooting for you.]

#MentalHealth #AspergersSyndrome #AutismSpectrum #AutismSpectrumDisorder #ADHD #ADHDInGirls #Anxiety #Depression

I had more pictures to choose from this week for my #photodiary
I've been more focused on capturing those little moments of gratitude and glimmer:
- A message from my dad from Shiba saying thank you for dog-sitting me. With a picture of her enjoying life in the tall grass
- A verse that really spoke to me
- My mom's airfryer that I've used A LOT while house sitting at their place
- Freshly baked cold-risen buns. They smelled so good
- Rainbow on a cupboard in the kitchen
- Study time
- My books and journals
- View through some trees to the sky
- Cold drink on a warm day. At one of my favorite spots in my parents' house; at the top of the stairs to the garden.
Thank you for letting me share and helping me focus on the good and the beautiful in my life.
#MightyTogether
#Support
#MentalHealth
#Trauma
#QuietBDP
#AvoidantPersonalityDisorder
#Depression
#Anxiety
#Burnout
#Healing
#HighlysensitivePerson

It's Friday, some would even say Fri-yay.
Which means we've made it another week.
And however you got through;
You got through.
And that's the most important win of all.
Do you want to take a moment and reflect on another win from your week?
It can be anything that was a win to you.
You're more than welcome to share with us in the comments to spread good vibes and inspire others.
I'll get us started with the sharing.
And I wish you the best possible weekend you can have.
#fridaycheer
#weeklywin
#MightyTogether
#Support
#MentalHealth
#Trauma
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder
#AvoidantPersonalityDisorder
#Depression
#Anxiety
#Burnout
#Healing
#HighlysensitivePerson
(Picture from Google, layout made in Canva)

It's glimmer time!
So I invite you want to take a moment and reflect on a glimmer from your week?
It can be anything that was a glimmer to you in your every day life and under your circumstances.
You're more than welcome to share with us in the comments to spread glimmers and inspire others.
I'll get us started with the sharing.
#Glimmerthursday
#MightyTogether
#Support
#MentalHealth
#Trauma
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder
#AvoidantPersonalityDisorder
#Depression
#Anxiety
#Burnout
#Healing
#HighlysensitivePerson
(Picture from Google, layout made in Canva)

A bit late today due to technical difficulties.
But here's my #photodiary
I had a hard time finding enough photos this week.
Since I am struggling a lot due to the summer vacation.
But I did capture:
- My mom's dog, Shiba, enjoying the cooler grass
- New nails, summer edition
- Saturday candy and a movie
- My youngest that always tucks his teddies under the duvet when he gets up
- A new sticker book (love stickers)
- A glass of coke with lots of ice cubes
- Time on the garden stairs with a glass of chardonnay
- A delicious breakfast and great coffee
- Shiba snoring and living the good dog life.
Thank you for letting me share and helping me to see the good in my life.
#MightyTogether
#Support
#MentalHealth
#Trauma
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder
#AvoidantPersonalityDisorder
#Depression
#Anxiety
#Burnout
#Healing
#HighlysensitivePerson

Good morning and good Monday.
Do you want to start the week by reflecting on a win from your weekend?
It can be anything that was a win to you - big, small, or in between.
You're more than welcome to share with us in the comments to spread good vibes for the week ahead and inspire others.
I'll get us started with the sharing.
And I wish you the best possible week you can have.
#Mondaycheer
#weekendwin
#MightyTogether
#Support
#MentalHealth
#Trauma
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder
#AvoidantPersonalityDisorder
#Depression
#Anxiety
#Burnout
#Healing
#HighlysensitivePerson
(Picture from Google, layout made in Canva)

"And then I said it's time for me to do things that are good for me".
To do things that are good for you.
Not one of my strengths.
But I've learned in therapy how important it is.
So I have a habit tracker on my phone filled with habits that are good for me.
Rome wasn't built in a day...
But we can place a stone or two in our wall of healing each day.
What is one thing you can do this week that's good for you?
I am going to do the same as last week and allow myself longer naps.
#MightyTogether
#Support
#MentalHealth
#Trauma
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder
#AvoidantPersonalityDisorder
#Depression
#Anxiety
#Burnout
#Healing
#HighlysensitivePerson
(Picture from Pinterest)