cancellingplans

One of my biggest struggles with #BPD is fear of abandonment. Growing up my family was always there for me, but I had a lot of friend issues. That’s where most of my trauma is; toxic relationships. For a little over 2 years, I’ve grown into different, more “mature” relationships. The relationships I have with women are now so empowering rather than my shallow ones used to be. I feel like I have an idea of what a good friend looks like, but because of my #BPD it’s very easy for me to only look at the good on someone and can become obsessive early on in my relationships. Since I moved, I really only have one close friend here and my boyfriend. I’m #unemployed so I have too much time on my hands and my boyfriend is a workaholic so I hardly see him. My friend on the other hand is busy with work and moving, so I decided to branch out. I have a friend here, who I’ve only hung out with once but we had a really nice time. I asked her to come over to my house and we could order in, but then I started to think “what will we talk about?” I certainly can’t be open with her in the fact that I have manic depression and bad anxiety. I don’t have a job... what will we talk about? I ended up #cancellingplans because I was too anxious. I then texted a good friend of mine, who I deeply admire & look up to. She is in school practicing herbal medicine & flower essences. Shes very wholistic & I wanted her opinion of me starting #Abilify since I haven’t taken it yet & wanted to somehow tell her I’m not doing well. So, she asked what my symptoms are & I told her how I’m just stagnent & depressed & have suicidal thoughts. I haven’t heard back from her. I know hearing that information can be stressful & maybe awkward but I expected something, especially from her. I can actually see my poor #MentalHealth slowly killing my friendships. I hate being like this.

#invisible #whenanxietymakesyoufeelselfish #lettingpeopledown #sometimesyoujustcant #selfcare #cancellingplans #ifonlytheyknew #emotionalpain #physicalsymptoms #Guilt 

Invisible

Hello

Here I am.
'I'm OK' I say.
My smile tells you 'I'm normal'
It tells you, 'I'm coping. I'm thriving'

But you can't see in the dark.
You can't see me gulping for air
As my lungs compress and I shrink.
Tiny, I am.
A big world surrounds.
I'm not who you think I am.

I am lead.
Heavy, sinking down, down.
Noblood in my veins just pain
Oozing through my body.
Organs twist.
Mouth dries.
Cheeks are moist and eyes are glazed.

Here I am.
In the darkness.
I'm calling.

But you can't hear silence
The screams inside my head.
I'm so afraid, confused and numb.
Tiny, I am.
Shrunken.
Alone.
Behind the smile,
Under the skin.

A world unknown.

Here I am.

That moment you realise you’ve made plans and you are in hide away from the world moment.
I feel like a let down.
#BPD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #cancellingplans #Depression #hermit #safeplace