This is what my husband tells me when I talk to him about my fears and struggles with my depression. I know he means well and wants to help me feel better, but it’s such an unhelpful phrase.
I haven’t had a job since June 2019 when my teaching contract with my school district wasn’t renewed. At the time I had confidence I would be able to get another teaching job. What I didn’t know was that the toxicity of my admin was capable of permeating to other schools and they effectively blacklisted me. I tried to do a long term sub position the following school year, but that’s like doing the work of a regular full time teacher for a third of the pay. I quit after one month.
Covid hit and I was thankful that I wasn’t teaching when it did. Then my prospect for future employment changes as I don’t think I would be able to handle teaching with the current restrictions in place for schools. Besides, with all the budget cuts I probly wouldn’t get hired anyway.
So what do I do? I’ve applied to jobs I think would be good matches for my experience and skills. Teaching gave me several transferable skills that work for management positions. I revised and reformatted my resume, updated my LinkedIn, look for jobs daily on Indeed, try to get a couple applications in each day...
I decided to start my own business and had been planning to partner with my sister in law (probly to have some built in support). Last night and this morning I started to get the feeling that she wasn’t as interested in a partnership as I was. That triggered immediate doubt in my abilities to be successful. I’ve failed at everything else I’ve tried to do so this will probly fail too so why bother?
When talking to my husband this morning I shared some of my worries and I could tell he was getting frustrated with me. This is when he said “you gotta try not to think so negatively.” I would love nothing more than to just “not think so negatively”. I hate that I talk so badly to myself and it destroys my self confidence. I hate that I can’t feel happy about the prospect of being my own boss. I hate that the fears become so much that I become paralyzed and unable to do anything.
I’m trying to ignore the voice in my head calling me a failure and am trying to focus my attention on the steps I can take to make it work on my own. Today ended up being very productive and my hope is that it will continue into tomorrow. Trying to not think so negatively. #Depression #unemployed #CheckInWithMe